Relationship Supporters, What Helps?

[Justmehere]

What helps you to sustain being in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer when symptoms are high?
I am wondering about this for all types of symptoms.

I am especially wondering about these 3 symptoms:
- isolating and/or shutting you out and/or need space without expressing they want to end the relationship
- have lots of anxiety about things that may not always make sense to you or seem realistically worth the anxiety
- or struggle with anger about things that may not always make sense to you or seem realistically worth the anger

What helps? What can a sufferer do (beside eliminate the symptoms and get therapy of their own) that helps a supporter stay in the relationship?

I'm asking because I'm dating again, and I'm wondering what I can possibly offer to do with the person I'm dating that might make it easier for them if/when these things come up for me. I would like to say this stuff will never come up, and I am working my butt off in therapy, but realistically, it's probably going to come up, especially because I'm still processing trauma in therapy and sometimes it stirs symptoms up and I'm trying so hard, but I have tough moments. If I'm going to invite someone more into my life, they could see me in these moments.

 

[mary1979]

For my husband I think its his ability to still see me through my symptoms.

He recognises that the part of me thats being symptomatic isn't the real me.

He will often during those times remind me of the parts of me he fell in love with, my good points.
I usually suck at hearing those things at the time though and reject it.

All you can do is make sure to show your true self as much as possible when you can.

You are worth it though and I hope the right.person comes along soon to show you that xxx

 

[Sweetpea76]

Communication communication communication... As a supporter, not knowing what is going on is the hardest. You've probably seen the supporter guessing game going on here on the forum. A lot of that can be eliminated with good communication.

If you need to isolate, warn your supporter if you can. My vet shoots me a text saying he needs some alone time etc., that way I don't worry and I know not to try and contact him a lot if he's not feeling it. In fact, explain how isolation is a coping mechanism that you need to use sometimes, and that it has nothing to do with them or your relationship, and have this discussion in advance of any symptoms. The first isolation period is rough on a lot of supporters. They assume they got dumped or did something wrong.

The same goes for any other symptom... Talk about it. PTSD is baffling for outsiders. Printing out the stress cup explanation is a good visual.

Also, if you find somebody who is compassionate and patient most of the time, cut them a little slack if they mess up sometimes... It takes awhile to get the hang of it. :)

 

[Mytime]

I agree so much with sweetpea. The hardest part is guessing, if your withholding affection because you can't be close to anyone. Then communicate that, so the rejection isn't so painful. It's hard to kept moving forward when you don't know if your loved. If it's hard to say "I love you, then come up with a code word or something. When you can, let us know that you see us. Sometimes we feel invisible. We are here because we're supporters and we love the person you are. we wouldn't be here if we didn't want to be. So please stop trying to make that decision for us.

 

[catlover26]

It says a lot about you because you are asking this. That you are willing to work at it and do what you can for a relationship. That is 99% of it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I echo @catlover26 ... Being proactive is great!

 

[hangingon]

Being crystal clear, communicating your needs honestly. Always letting supporter know how you feel. For me the wondering and guessing is hard.

 

[Milo's papa]

@Justmehere, as a supporter I would recommend you re-read @Sweetpea76's first post over and over. She really hit the nail on the head, If you don't have great communication, it will be twice as hard for your supporter to support you.

As far as starting a relationship goes, you need to have great communication even if both parties are 100% healthy.

I wish you the best of luck and a lot of happiness in your new relatioship.

 

[Justmehere]

I want to be someone that is good partner. I worry so much that I won't be.

This thread is encouraging to me. Maybe if I keep trying to communicate, and keep learning how to communicate even better, maybe it will work out...

 

[Mytime]

JMH if you can communicate with someone like you do wit us on chat. You could have a great relationship. Your a beautiful person (woman) don't sell yourself short my friend. He will be a very lucky man. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is a bonus to having a PTSD love, even if a lot of sufferers read the supporter threads on here and get worried. Besides having been with a great guy, if something would ever happen to my relationship, I've come MILES with learning patience and communication skills.

 

[Justmehere]

You know, that's one of the reasons I like working with other sufferers and one thing that keep me trying in finding the right person to be in a romantic relationship with - I become a better communicator along the way and I learn how to love better too.

Thanks for the encouragement @Mytime and @Sweetpea76