Supporting Another Survivor

[Laure]

Hi there.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5yrs. He is aware of the childhood sexual abuse i suffered, and has been endlessly supportive. We are very strong.

Last year I found out his mum had also been through this, after my boyfriend opened up about my own situation. I was quite devastated, as my own mum has been through abuse as well. It just felt so overwhelming.

She offered me much support and I was grateful for it. Last year however was my worst year re. treatment for my PTSD & depression. My doctor was negligent and prescribed me up to 200mg-300mg nitrazepam a night (only supposed to be 5-10mg!!!), meaning i became heavily dependant on them. I wasn't having therapy and was living alone supporting myself for the first time. I had my most serious suicide attempt this time last year, as the drugs had lowered my inhibitions so much I just couldn't care anymore. I have spent all my time and efforts since getting clean off benzos and rebuilding relationships I shattered & pushed hard whilst I very, very poorly.

My BF's mum has also had a hard year. I am really aware that I have not been anywhere near as supportive as she was for me, or as I would have wanted to be. I saw her last christmas and I think she was having a difficult time.

For the first time in my life, I found it really hard to communicate my love and support. I would suppose this is because I'm deeply sorry for being absent, AND for putting her son through a lot of difficult times last year, as he essentially became my carer and it hugely disrupted his life. I also just can't find the words to say "I'm here for you", and "I think you're great". She is a very tough and brave woman, and because I care so much what she thinks about me, I would guess maybe I feel quite intimidated by her.

I spent ages choosing and bought a card for her 2mnths ago and still havent sent it. I just don't feel like it's my place for some bizarre reason. I know this is stupid, as when I am going through things, supportive messages from anyone are a huge bolster and I feel loved when I realise somebody cares, no matter who they are/how they tell me.


My question (s?) is - how do you think is the most sensitive way to write somebody in a supportive way, but upbeat and a positive message? This is an amazing person, but who I originally had the impression didn't like to be reminded at all of her history, and strongly empathises with 'survivor' as opposed to 'victim'.


I know this might seem silly to ask for help with; I just really care about getting this right.


Thankyou.

EDIT: The reason I would like to offer my support and show I am thinking of her right now, is that I saw her around christmas time and she seemed to be going through a much more difficult time then I had previously seen.

 

[GwenDR]

My wife and I are both survivors. Not exactly the same as as your situation, but there are times when our emotional needs seem to conflict. Sometimes it's right to put your needs aside and support someone else, sometimes it's right to not be able to, and to take care of yourself. We support each other when we can, take turns, and sometimes we're both in a bad place, and just can't help each other, and both feel worse because we want to be able to help.

She sounds like an awesome woman. You sound like an awesome woman as well. As for the card, it's okay to tell her that it's hard to tell her how you feel. I don't think she's going to be upset if your card isn't "perfect," whatever that means. Could you write the letter that would help you, then address it to her and her situation? If she doesn't like to be reminded of her history, you can talk about how amazing she's been, how much it's helped you, and how much you love and want to support her too, without going over her past.

Would it be possible to get input from your boyfriend? He knows both of you, and might be able to help you express yourself better. You don't have to at all, if you don't want him to see it for any reason.

The card is a wonderful idea, and she's going to love it.

 

[BlueOrange]

When I feel really stuck, and the message is really important, I tend to describe my ambitions for the message, and let that be the message. "I want to say something supportive, that shows that I care, but nothing I can think of sounds good enough." That can come across really well sometimes, with someone who understands me well. And it has never backfired.