Supporting My Supporters?

[Alice Rachel]

Hi all,

How can I support my partner more?

I love him so much and he's so kind and caring and supportive of me it makes me sad to see how much of a burden my suffering causes him. He has his own problems with anxiety and has suffered with depression in the past too.

Sometime I think that he would have been better off if he hadnt met me and had fallen in love with someone a bit more stable and things.

Ive suggested a few times that seeing a councillor to help him help himself more. Ive had 7 years of therapy so far and I've tried to share what ive learnt but he has a distrust of therapists because of bad experiences he had with them in the past when he had depression when he was younger.

He doesn't have anywhere near the support that I do. Im lucky to have built a supportive network of friends over the years but he struggles making friends because he's quite shy and anxious in social situations.

I really dont like the affect my suffering has on him, I can see how much he's missed out on in life because of his support for me, he will always choose me over his own opportunities when I need help. My insomnia disrupts his sleep no matter how hard I try to be quiet, my emotional volatility when im not coping so well affects his emotional stability &The stress of looking after me stresses him out. I know there's going to be some extra stress on the horizon at some point in the near future because I will find out whether the man who abused me will be taken to court or not, never mind the usual day to day stress of money & things.

He's going to start his 3rd year at uni in autumn and I want to make things as easy as possible for him to do as well as he can. So If anyone has any ideas for helping to support him please let me know.

Thank you
Love
Ali
xXx

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think he would be the best one to answer your question. It sounds like you're doing your best to cope but still rely on him which he sounds willing to do. When both partners have issues, codependency is often a by-product of that. I think evaluating that possibility would be a good idea. Working on your individual challenges always improves your relationships with others. You're very kind to think of his needs. Not knowing his hobbies or personality I just couldn't recommend anything else. Welcome to the forum!

 

[Firelamb67]

Hi Alice,
I am not sure I can offer you suggestions but I can tell you what I do. My partner has some issues. A lot of physical pain and she suffers depression. She has taken such good care of me and stayed with through all the trouble I caused.

Anyway, I do little nice things here and there, simple things. I will give a foot massage, or back rub with good smelling oil, take care of the pets, cook a meal, sing her a heart felt love song, take care of putting away groceries, and always tell her how beatiful she, how much I love her, and thank her for everything she's done for me. Another thing you might be able to do since you have trouble sleeping is hold him and stroke his hair and let him sleep.

I know that doesn't sound like much but she REALLY appreciates it. She says she feels so loved when I do those things.

So maybe one or two of those things could help. Oh and also tell him how proud you are for him going to uni. To me that's a big deal specially with his issues, it can't be easy for him. They invariably make you do group work and it's always stressful, at least to me because there is always one a-hole in the group who makes it hard on everyone else.

Hope this helps.

 

[Springer80]

How about you just pick times when you do relaxing stuff together and for each other. Make time for love. PIcnics in the garden, or trips away camping. Or you could make a compilation of study music for him.

If you have insomnia a lot, do you have somewhere else to sleep? And then when you're feeling better for sleeping you could make it special.

What about finding out his reference list before he starts, it should be on line for the course nowadays and sourcing the material for him.

I honestly think little things that show you care are more of a tonic for picking someone up.

You could find out when his deadlines are and plan some nice things around them. Or cook good stuff to help keep him going etc.

 

[Firelamb67]

I meant to say let him sleep in your arms.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't think you should determine was is or is not a burden to him. He is an adult and that is his choice. I also don't think thinking of yourself as a burden is very healthy to begin with! You bring things into the relationship too and it's great you are thinking of him too but on a bigger scale such as 'wish we hadn't met' you just can't think for him.

I think before supporting him, your mindset needs to be healthier.

Best wishes.

 

[FabulousEnding]

I have a philosophy with my boyfriend that I do what I can when I can. I'm terrible at cleaning and I'm too disabled to make money and what not. He's learned to be far more gentle, respectful and supportive with me, and in return I'm triggered significantly less. He does a physical job for a living and gets severely knotted up sometimes, so I'll go massage out the painful knots until the muscle relaxes. I'm starting college again in the fall, and I'm giving a portion of my loans to help us get caught up on bills. If your partner sees you trying when you can, that should be enough. I give out sweet compliments and affection too. Oh and I do the grocery shopping. I have a knack for finding good deals and getting all meals and snacks for cheap. Or like today, I typed up a resume for him to take to a job interview this evening. Little things help.

I know having flashbacks that I don't remember in the middle of the night doesn't make it easy, but he's finally developed the philosophy that I have it tremendously harder than he does. You both do the best you can. It's like I tell my bf... He could have all of the support I do if he chose to go to counseling, but since he doesn't want to... he's on his own. ;)

Just do what you can where you can and be realistic. Neither of you should have expectations that set you up to fail or disappoint. It's okay to say, "This is too much for me, but this I can do right now." It takes A LOT of stress off getting to realistic expectations.