I am new here and taking full advantage of the diary section as I know I analyze everything. But I have a question that maybe some experienced Carers could possibly add insight to. (Sorry, it's long with build up 'why' then questions :/).
My relationship with my sufferer is very new tho we've known each other a long time. We are still in a young stage of our relationship which pretty much completely stopped about 3 weeks ago when he started his therapy full fledge.
Though I was supportive of him getting help, I have struggled with my emotions on letting him be and getting some closure... I guess best way of thinking about it, that door for understanding everything he was about to do was not completely open because I didn't understand some of the steps he was taking to start it... such as really talk to me and just cutting me off completely minus texts now and then... and not about us. After the first week of tears, I've been trying more days than not to put into practice the understanding that this was his road and fight - not mine - but where do I fit in at the present time?
Well, the door finally was pushed all the way open last night as we had our first unemotional conversation about it and saw each other for the first time in 3 weeks. He was very open with me, I was able to ask him questions, we talked about general stuff we'd been doing in our lives like books we were reading and pets. He was very open about his feelings for me and what he understands he is trying to do with his therapy. He explained some things of how it works. One of the things is they want him to be alone. They don't want him to "see me" or anyone especially at night - so this was really not allowed. He's supposed to turn his phone on vibrate after a certain time and only answer if it is "an emergency"... big boundary for him in his life. :tup: So I was excited to hear he was really finding peace with that - so far he already sounds a lot better and positive about the direction he's going. *More thumbs up!*
After hearing all this, and understanding 'being alone' and empathetic to how hard that is for him... I asked him when the last time he was alone was. He told me about Iraq. Being a Sgt of his troop, they would do their work during the day and then at night he would sit in his corner and the rest would be together on their side.
His last relationship was a perfect relationship for his personality because it wasn't about attraction or emotion. It was more like a roommate.
So I provoke intense emotion in him. Good stress, mostly, right now, but the emotional stress he doesn't know how to deal with. And we talked about this. We talked a lot about what happened between us... when things flipped. I was very fortunate to be present at this raw and rare time.
So my question(s) ...
After the lonely talk... I realize 1) why his therapists are having him do what he has to do. He's not allowed to watch t.v. The phone. He has to be alone. He can't go out and socialize. He can't have me over. He can't have family. After a certain time... he has to be alone and read, or work out. He's not allowed to even play video games. I believe - this is a re-creation of Iraq for him in present form.
2nd part of this) I'm an addiction. It's very clear. I make him feel good and he wants to protect that... I do believe that, because he does love me.
So I think I need to support what his therapy is trying to do for him. I know it will be hard, but ...
- how do I support him when he wants to talk to me and see me but I know it is going against his therapy??
- What are some things I can say directly if he asks me to come over but without hurting him or playing into his pity/self bashing games??
I don't want to "reject" him, or give him that feeling. And I want to be there... like talking on the phone, the rare occasion he will call because I do believe he is very serious about his therapy, then can I do that?
Being around him at night is not a good idea. He is trying not to tell me he misses me or that he loves me. We talked about it last night, but it is clear this is a mushy area for us both and one boundary I'm working on in therapy... controlling how fast my heart wants to soar.
I really don't want to make excuses for him, but I also don't want to push buttons accusing him.
Any words of experience would be much appreciated :)
I know that this part of his therapy ... this extent is not more than a few months. I think these few months of us keeping it very minimal will set us both up for success of any direction our relationship could take when he gets to that point, for us to have a strong foundation if we can maintain and build our boundaries now.
Thank You. ~May
My relationship with my sufferer is very new tho we've known each other a long time. We are still in a young stage of our relationship which pretty much completely stopped about 3 weeks ago when he started his therapy full fledge.
Though I was supportive of him getting help, I have struggled with my emotions on letting him be and getting some closure... I guess best way of thinking about it, that door for understanding everything he was about to do was not completely open because I didn't understand some of the steps he was taking to start it... such as really talk to me and just cutting me off completely minus texts now and then... and not about us. After the first week of tears, I've been trying more days than not to put into practice the understanding that this was his road and fight - not mine - but where do I fit in at the present time?
Well, the door finally was pushed all the way open last night as we had our first unemotional conversation about it and saw each other for the first time in 3 weeks. He was very open with me, I was able to ask him questions, we talked about general stuff we'd been doing in our lives like books we were reading and pets. He was very open about his feelings for me and what he understands he is trying to do with his therapy. He explained some things of how it works. One of the things is they want him to be alone. They don't want him to "see me" or anyone especially at night - so this was really not allowed. He's supposed to turn his phone on vibrate after a certain time and only answer if it is "an emergency"... big boundary for him in his life. :tup: So I was excited to hear he was really finding peace with that - so far he already sounds a lot better and positive about the direction he's going. *More thumbs up!*
After hearing all this, and understanding 'being alone' and empathetic to how hard that is for him... I asked him when the last time he was alone was. He told me about Iraq. Being a Sgt of his troop, they would do their work during the day and then at night he would sit in his corner and the rest would be together on their side.
His last relationship was a perfect relationship for his personality because it wasn't about attraction or emotion. It was more like a roommate.
So I provoke intense emotion in him. Good stress, mostly, right now, but the emotional stress he doesn't know how to deal with. And we talked about this. We talked a lot about what happened between us... when things flipped. I was very fortunate to be present at this raw and rare time.
So my question(s) ...
After the lonely talk... I realize 1) why his therapists are having him do what he has to do. He's not allowed to watch t.v. The phone. He has to be alone. He can't go out and socialize. He can't have me over. He can't have family. After a certain time... he has to be alone and read, or work out. He's not allowed to even play video games. I believe - this is a re-creation of Iraq for him in present form.
2nd part of this) I'm an addiction. It's very clear. I make him feel good and he wants to protect that... I do believe that, because he does love me.
So I think I need to support what his therapy is trying to do for him. I know it will be hard, but ...
- how do I support him when he wants to talk to me and see me but I know it is going against his therapy??
- What are some things I can say directly if he asks me to come over but without hurting him or playing into his pity/self bashing games??
I don't want to "reject" him, or give him that feeling. And I want to be there... like talking on the phone, the rare occasion he will call because I do believe he is very serious about his therapy, then can I do that?
Being around him at night is not a good idea. He is trying not to tell me he misses me or that he loves me. We talked about it last night, but it is clear this is a mushy area for us both and one boundary I'm working on in therapy... controlling how fast my heart wants to soar.
I really don't want to make excuses for him, but I also don't want to push buttons accusing him.
Any words of experience would be much appreciated :)
I know that this part of his therapy ... this extent is not more than a few months. I think these few months of us keeping it very minimal will set us both up for success of any direction our relationship could take when he gets to that point, for us to have a strong foundation if we can maintain and build our boundaries now.
Thank You. ~May
