Supposed Support

[KwanYingirl]

Why do people think they're helping when they say things like "everything happens as it's supposed to"? Who on earth would think that trauma is a welcome event that we should cherish. Arrrggggg!!!

 

[Suzetig]

I don't think trauma is a welcome event to be cherished but I do believe that I'll have grown and learned about myself in way that wouldn't have happened with my experiences. That's not to say I wouldn't have preferred a less traumatic existence but I'm the person I am because of my lived experience. In that sense I do think everything happens as it should - it doesn't mean I don't wish it were different.

I can however see why such a statement might feel unsupportive, glib and dismissive.

 

[GWhizz]

I doubt anyone who's experienced trauma view it as welcome. Though I agree with @Suzetig, I am the person I am because of my life experiences. Both my partner and I have had trauma in our upbringings and we would both consider eachother genuine and sensitive individuals, streetwise and attuned to others feelings. We've both chosen caring professions as we really want to help people who go through tough times. I am not happy that I don't have a real family in any sense of the word. But I am happy that I can be the bigger person and not carry on another generation of abuse. Because of my childhood, I do everything in my power to promote a healthy balanced well rounded childhood for my son. I'm not sure I would be the same way if not for my past.

I am sorry if anyone came across as insensitive with such a statement to you though. It would take a very narrow minded individual to assert that abuse or trauma is in anyway a blessing, of course it would be better had it never happened. Though I assume the meaning behind it, is to take the positives we can from the shit life throws at you. I know it's easier said than done, especially when dealing with a diagnosis such as PTSD.

 

[Ti Vu]

Yeah, I've had a few people tell me that. I suppose they mean well, but they're a bit far-sighted. As if they're only thinking about the destination and not the long road ahead. They think it's a plane ride in first-class when it's more of road trip. Sometimes we get traffic, car may overheat from time to time, we've gotta make stops, take it step by step. That probably made no sense.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

That's like saying "you were meant to be traumatized." Such crap.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thanks all. I am super anxious today. Usually am when it's therapy day. I really have a great therapist, but I get triggered and it takes me a few days to recover from it. I'm better than I used to be, I am learning coping skills and reaching out to you all, which is a huge leap of faith.

I really appreciate that you take the time to respond to my distress. And I also have a rewarding job and two well brought up children who are very happy and functional and loved. But, today it all feels overwhelming.

I wonder if I'll just dissociate at therapy or manage to stay present and learn a thing or two!! It's so hard to talk about.

 

[Go Hungry]

Oh I hate when people say that.. Around here the favourite version is "God has a plan.." What a bunch of crap. And somewhere down deep they know it, because they always look before crossing the street, they buckle their seatbelts, they drive routes outside of the bad parts of town. They say it because they don't know how to deal with trauma, and the fact that bad things happen.

There is this psychological phenomenon called a 'Just World' fallacy, wherein some people tend to try and find some explanation for avoiding the reality of bad things.. If they can't avoid it, they make up reasons why it happened. And if that doesn't work, they'll blame the person that the trauma happened to. They'll do anything to rationalize and push away the idea that bad things happen to decent people all the time.

Maybe because they don't see themselves as bad, and think that if they lead a proper life they will be insulated from bad fortune. So many people try to rationalize things like rape by asking what the victim was wearing, or how drunk they were. They do this because they cannot abide the thought of powerlessness ever being a part of their lives.

This is why so many people hate the homeless, the poor, the disabled, or anyone who is disadvantaged; because they can't stand the possibility that it might happen to them. Unless of course, it does happen to them, at which point they scream bloody murder and come up with every excuse possible as to why in their case its 'different'. Only when in pain do they acknowledge its existence.

Sorry, went to rambling. Point is, yeah it's rotten. :sour:

 

[Laura 2]

@Go Hungry - excellent summation. I have been very injured by this 'blame-the-victim' syndrome when it becomes clear to the purveyors of 'God-has-a-plan' and 'everything-happens-for-a-reason' claptrap that, in reality, really, really bad things happen to good people without any sort of improving divine plan behind it all.

Mostly, it feels to me like people come out with this twaddle almost as a protection so that they don't really have to think about what we're suffering.

In retrospect, many of us see that we've very painfully and painstakingly made lemonade of the lemons - but we could have been supping champagne with our feet up all the while. Just like those who 'know' God-has-a-plan and have been blissfully untouched by disaster.

@KwanYingirl - thanks for raising this, have you had a recent experience of this Pollyanna self-protection stuff?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well I take yoga now and the teacher has us fold into a pose and she asks us to just breathe and relax. Very often, she reads quotes from Buddhism and other books of affirmations and mantras. The majority are wonderful, but my skin creeps and crawls when says something about every step we've taken was meant to be. Everything is at it's place.

She is clearly trying to teach us mindfulness. I agree with everyone's statements here. I just struggle with the "why me". Try to come to terms with my life. Well meaning friends just want me to snap out of it

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think anyone escapes trauma of sorts or suffering, but for some it's worse, for some it's later, etc. Sometimes people have told me they are thankful for 'having had it easy". I am thankful for parts I've been spared, but life is long. Suffering is a powerful equalizer.[DOUBLEPOST=1402422940,1402422836][/DOUBLEPOST]I don't think 'why me', as I think 'why not me'. But mostly it has destroyed 'me', really. Much as anyone talks about much 'good' having come out of it. JMHO.

 

[Laura 2]

mostly it has destroyed 'me', really. Much as anyone talks about much 'good' having come out of it.

:hug::( Yes.

Very often, she reads quotes from Buddhism and other books of affirmations and mantras

Thing is like most Eastern practices, in brief it's based on 'the noble truth' that 'all life is suffering' and that one must embrace this with grace and look to a happier life after you die.

Buddhist mindfulness, IMHO, has been hijacked and bastardised by the therapy industry which just uses a diluted version of it to help people quell their anxiety. In fact, it's only one part of a whole, multi-faceted understanding of the human condition and an all-encompassing lifestyle.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, the destroyed "me" feeling. The ego being so greatly damaged that it's like we're ghosts of the people who we used to be. Or worse, living with some phantom idea of 'what could have been'... It's like a saudade for yourself...