Surrounding Myself With People Who Can't Help Me

[EveHarrington]

This is the next step in my journey of being able to ask for help. Tonight I cannot sleep. Oftentimes on nights like this I have these thoughts that come to me and so now I'm writing this post so I can remember; so I can make these thoughts "real".

I realized that I tend to surround myself with people ("friends") who don't have the ability to help me or support me. I'm not asking for mountains to be moved (or anything even close), but I do have to ask myself "what is the point?" when you have these friends who provide zero support? Yes, I do realize that there are different types of friendships. These are in no way friends of circumstance i.e. people I only know at the gym or at church or at work. These are people I incorrectly assumed to be close friends.

I try to reach out to these friends when I need support and I am denied time after time. It's not a matter of not asking in the right way (as I discussed in my last thread). This is more a matter of these people being nowhere to be found when I need something from them. When they need something from me they're right there looking for me to give. No, I cannot do it anymore. I cannot be the friend of convenience who is only your friend when you need something from me.

I cannot help but feel that I am reliving the past over and over and over again by surrounding myself with people who take and never give. I'm so tired of it. It hurts. I haven't let go because I figured that one way friendships are better than no friendships. I was wrong.

I am posting this to help keep myself accountable. I tend to make space between myself and others for a few days before giving in and going back to these sad friendships. I don't want to do that anymore. The next few days will be very hard. But, I realize that no support is better than the illusion of support. Out with the bad so I can make room for the good.

Now I must go have a good cry.

 

[Suzetig]

I have friends like this too. Or used to. I found that when I wouldn't give them what they wanted from me they soon fell away, leaving space in my life for people who mattered to me and who would be there for me as much as I was for them. It's hard realising that people aren't who you thought they were but very freeing to let them go.

 

[bluebird]

It´s good to write such stuff; I guess it allows us to see things and relationships more clearly. One side friendships - any one side relationships - are not healthy for anyone. Not even for those on the "always receiving" end.

Out with the bad so I can make room for the good.

Sounds like you are feeling stronger and decisive. I support that :)

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you for your support!

The first few days weren't so bad. Today is rough. I get mad then I get anxious then I have a lull in the storm, only for it all to cycle again.

Now isn't so bad...Friends are used to me disappearing on them. It's the next few weeks that will be rough when they start to wonder if I'm really coming back or not.

I wish I didn't have such friend struggles. I think I'll be ok though.

 

[oneday]

I can relate so much to that. Sometimes friends aren't who you think they are and we are better off without them. It is so hard to reach out and then be rejected just when you need them the most. I have had this happen recently with people I thought were close supportive friends. They say they have had enough even though I have always gone out of my way to help them and hardly ever asked for help. I hope you can find true friends they are a rare thing but the only friends worth having in the long run. Be strong, best wishes to you and I hope your pain does not last too long and you find some joy by finding real friends. Take courage my friend you are not alone in this battle

 

[Bloomy]

@EveHarrington - I went through this process myself some years ago. It really really hurts deep inside. And I also thought why do we people talk so much about only love realitonship and how they dont work? Why we dont focus equally much about friendshp and talk about it and its value? And if it doesnt work? One can google relationship problems and tons of pages comes up. With friendship? Nope.
On my own behalf it dawned on me that not only did I choose partners based upon the destructive models I grew up with, but actually I also subconsiousnely choose friends that were built on the same recipe. Friends that werent loving and caring and supporting. But that confirmed all the things I grew up with namely me as a not worthy person to care about. Do you think you can also have some of the same patterns?

To me you seem to be an awesome person. Wise, warm hearted, kind, gentle and a person that stands up for others. Thanks for being you :happy:

And I hope we can sort this out both of us. We certainly deserve better :-)

 

[oneday]

@EveHarrington - I went through this process myself some years ago. It really really...

Bloomy you are spot on, I married a man because he was like my abusive parents and it felt familiar and I have often chosen hard hearted friends. The hard ones have rejected me and the soft hearted ones have become invaluable,my good friends I would take a bullet for them and they for me, pity they live so far away but I treasure them greatly because they will always be there. Now I would only ever become friends with people who have a gentle nature, who aren't loud and insensitive and who have a manner which shows consideration right from the start anyone else I would steer clear of because if they don't have those traits they probably wont make the type of faithful friend a person with ptsd needs. We need long term not fair weather friends

 

[Bloomy]

@oneday oneday I hope I will have friends like that too. And one day I also hope Eve will have it too. What you write reminds me about something else namely its so much easier to slip into a friendship then a love affair. With love affairs we tend to look more critical into the matter and to judge if we want to involve or not with this person. With new friendship we tend to just become friends and then think that so we are. Which is certtainly not the fact of the matter.

 

[oneday]

@oneday oneday I hope I will have friends like that too. And one day I also hope Eve...

Yes Bloomy it is easy to just accept anyone that comes along and that we feel we get along with as a friend but I have found that the there are certain people who make awesome friends who stick by you through thick and thin. They are the people who make a real effort to see you, who will turn off the TV when you call in even if it is their favorite program, watch out for those that don't or say things like "I'm busy at the moment can you call back later, I am never too busy to take time for a friend and its a bad sign if they are too busy to take time with you. A friend with a caring nature will always respond. My 2 close friends will always go out of their way for me and always check that they haven't offended me if they just cant make contact at the moment for a good reason. They never hurt me as a result because I know they genuinely care. I do the same for them and they tell me that they would hate to be without me so it goes both ways. The best friends are the sensitive, gentle, caring type personalities and regardless of a persons interests I now only intend to pursue people like that. I am sure that one day you will both have friends like that as you are people with a heart yourselves you understand what caring means. Best to you. I feel your pain

 

[Deleted member 541]

@oneday, I am going to disagree with you about people not being available to drop everything to be at someone's beck and call. People are busy, and if a person can't wait for someone then it's not the other persons issue, it's the person that wants that person to drop everything. That's just not a reasonable thing to ask of others.

 

[oneday]

@oneday, I am going to disagree with you about people not being available to drop every...

Ah but would you rather clean the house watch TV or be with a friend, it's a matter of priorities, people come first to me, which is why my close friends are exceptional. These type of things can always be done later. You do not have to be a slave to them there is a balance you do not have to "drop everything" as I have said sometimes my friends can't respond but it is not because they don't want to and that is the difference. I should have explained in more detail as I do not allow myself to be "used" but relationships are the most valuable asset in life to my thinking. Wealth, status, etc pretty worthless. I had in mind as a sample a hard hearted friend who I rang recently after trying to catch up for the previous 4 months to no avail, they were always too busy and were again when I made the call. Strangely enough they have no close friends, even though I was trying to break through their hardness but I have given up now as they refuse to let anyone interrupt their TV, housework etc. I hope you understand what I mean.

 

[shimmerz]

I was a narcissists dream come true. A magnet for them. Call me? I am THERE!

So, it was a natural thing that as I got healthier, I recognized the dynamic for what it was. Me being involved with people that were not suited for me.

Back in the day when I had boundless amounts of energy it fed an affected part of me to help all. It made me feel good. Now? Not so much. I have nothing left to give. So I am forced to look for more balanced types of relationships.

I think, at the end of the day, you are now seeing what you couldn't see before. That you are deserving of help as much as your so called friends do. They may not like the new rules. Good for you for seeing this though. It takes guts. Onwards! Keep moving through it!