Sufferer Surviving My C-ptsd ''alone''

[Moon]

Thank you for your words and the reference, its interesting to read about trauma bonding. My psychologist did refer to co-dependence already when speaking about the relationship with him.
I did have non dependent relationships as well, where my partner was more or less dependent on me. I just realized that..
My ex always told me I had lifelong unsolvable attachment issues, which I started to believe.
I have a therapy session tomorrow, and going to ask about this.

In the past period, being alone already (we were only in contact via skype) I think I already went through part of a detachment/healing process..
I find it easier to be alone, and on some moments started enjoying it. The relief of the constant pressure, I've been living with for such a long time. Finding that I'm not only a sad person, some people seem to like me.
What I don't understand is why he is trying to destroy me, by trying to undo what I gained, if he already decided to leave me.
Is it hate, revenge, money..?

He has someone else already too.. denies it being his girlfriend but they are constantly together. Even during our last meet, he spoke about her all the time.
It hurts.. but somehow I manage to see it for what it is. His new obsession.

sorry for my randomly written down words, it felt more like thinking out loud

 

[Bliss]

Write away! It helps so much! great to hear what u wrote and counseling tomorrow:) I came back on because it hit me that u may have meant u have to figure out what he was doing by breaking up, distancing, not what was going on with u:). I get impulsive still when I relate:). I am camping all winter in Florida will have limited battery, but I like to read on here, then I see something like your post and hurry! Anyway, yes it hit me when I logged off what u were saying, I my life they distanced when I asked more of them, wanted them to address something, or I couldn't be there all the time for them. Ok u are a smart, resourceful woman, gotta go,

 

[Canticle]

I don't even know at this moment what to write

I already let him go, yes out of love, but I did.
Why does...

Moon, I am si very sorry for what you must endure. In fact; it makes my soul rummble deep deep down, and compells me to reach out and shelter your storm.

My ex broke me down with storms of sorrow, lies and fake smiles. I became co-dependent and allowed her to control hiw I felt about me.

I had endured the dark despair and the hell fire of endless trauma as a child; so the constant indifference of her unkind acts and deceit began ti fester my old wounds.
I began to disassociate again and was time warping into the fade.

After ten years of lost hope, I knew that my love and light within could not endure the constant triggers and unkind acts. I fought hell fire and dark despairs to break through her untruths and enbrace our love. There was nothing more I could do other then allow her to put her demons on my soul and paint my world black.

Thank God for my therapist that was there every step of the way and helped me to escape the cycle of pain. She prepared me for the utter cold and beyound cruel process of meeting a true narcissist head on.

I lost everything in regard to assets and finacial security. I was to terrified of her to go to the divorce proceedings and face her lies in the public eye. I prayed that she would be hinorable and allow me a modicum of dignity and my hard earned assets. Unfortunately I lost it all; but, I retained my love and light within.

I can close my eyes and see the light within and feel the greatest blessung of love. This is priceless to me and of greater value. With that said, I am happy to be rebuilding my life. I am affraid at times and deal with cycles of despair yet; but, I know that I am on the right path and will ultimately be blessed with love and happiness.

Please do not give into the undertow of the sorrow moon. Allow the love and light withib to shelter and guide you. Trust in the outcone and adhere to that faith. I know how strong you are and that you are a beautiful one. I would take this burden off your back and throw it beyound the universe if it within my power. It hurts my soul to know that you must edure the indifference of a fallen one. You are not alone moon and you are loved beyound measure.

 

[Moon]

Thank you so much for your kind words Canticle. Its almost unexplainable to anyone who hasn't experienced it.
But as much as its a relief to feel recognition, it is so sad to see such similar story. Same goes to aut555.

However much I have loved my ex, and still do somewhere (do I..?), it felt that the moment he started talking, my reality just started bending. Shifting. Getting lost in endless complicated arguments and reasons behind reasons. Intentions, implications. Picking out words. At the last moments my brain even started buzzing with such pressure, that I could only stare in the distance with numbness but still anxiety pressuring through my whole body.

Until the moment he started lecturing me about the reasons my ex hit me. That is the moment I exploded in rage ending up in hysterical crying. While he sat calmly next to me humming on the music that was playing and casually chatting on his phone in between.
When thinking of it now, it doesn't even feel like it really happened.

Somehow I have to pull myself together


The only other person in my life who knows what's going on is my therapist. He knows my ex via many sessions as well.
He is one of the kindest and most involved persons I have ever met. He has always available to answer in between for questions or a short talk if i am really not feeling well. During those insane nightly hours last week, he was there and kept re insuring and supporting me via text/app. I don't even want to think how much more I would have been damaged without his presence and support.

 

[Canticle]

Thank you so much for your kind words Canticle. Its almost unexplainable to anyone who hasn't experienced...

That is the answer within you Moon. It is the light, love and kindness that helps to pull you away from the undertow and cold indifference that the fallen ones inflict on our soul. That dark place is where they belong; yet, it is an undertow of sorrow that seeks to deatroy the beautiful ones and the light within. So close your eyes and look towards the light within. You are loved beyound measure Moon and you are the light within.

 

[Silver.]

I haven't used this, but it is a benzodiazepine, which is going to come with your body being dependant on it. Adjusting to having it in your system so if you skip a dose, then you certainly will have more anxiety.
I weaned off a benzo this year and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I was only on it nightly and then if I needed it during the day. It's really a personal choice if you want to go on it full time or not.
Have you tried other strategies for coping with the anxiety? Meditation, distraction, breathing, self soothing etc?

 

[Moon]

Hi thanks for your answer, (I see my double post disappeared not sure if I should still answer here but here it goes)

Yes I tried, and its not working. I don't sleep, when I do nightmares, constant anxiety up to almost hyper ventilating. No concentration at all, I'm forgetting words even.
Of course.. is because of the recent trauma that should fade, but I can't break down now. Too much depends on it.