Survivor

[invisible survivor]

OK so my therapist asked me why I don't like the word survivor. Its not that I don't like that word it is far better than victim. But what I can't get people to understand is that I don't fell like I survived yet. I still fell like I am fighting the battle even all the years later. And a pat of me feels like part of me died as a little girl and the other part has just existed since then. Am I the only one who feels this way? I hope that one day I can call myself a survivor and truly feel like one.

 

[The Sentinel]

On one hand, I can genuinely see where you're coming from. I'm still fighting myself and I'm not out of the forest yet. However, I can say that I survived the abuse itself, whether or not I survive the aftermath remains to be seen. So you are an abuse survivor, but that doesn't mean that you're not still fighting the aftereffects. I don't know if that made sense or was even coherent, I apologize if it wasn't.

 

[flyingfree]

I feel the same way. Just because it happened and I lived doesn't make me feel like a survivor. I'm actually struggling with defining what surviving this means-when all the thoughts go away? When I feel like I am 'normal', that the past doesn't affect me anymore? It seems kind of impossible... I agree with you, survivor is a better word than victim but I still feel like I haven't survived this all-I'm still dealing with this everyday. Today has been a rough day for me with PTSD. I felt like I was doing fine for a month or so until I had an awful dream a couple days ago. I can't wait until I'm approved so I can talk in the dream forum because they have such an impact on my progress.
I read your earlier post and I feel I can relate to you, this happened when I was 5-7 or 8 and I felt totally brainwashed in forgetting it until I turned 16 and its tough to look back on my childhood without the tainted memories. My whole life story is confusing. I do feel like the little girl I was is ruined, that part of me is missing. I'm only 18 and not that far from childhood but find it so difficult sometimes to be playful,take things lightly,etc.. unfortunately everyone just thinks I'm being a drag. So how can I be a survivor? I don't know hopefully more people post on this topic.

 

[Audrey]

I used to feel the same way too. I mean I preferred survivor to victim, but I knew in my heart that I was not a survivor. I spend all my time running away from myself and my demons, sometimes literally running away into the forest at night. People told my I was a survivor but I knew that it was not true. Then one night I went to a take back the night rally and it was one of the most amazing things I have ever done. We walked around chanting to bring awareness to sexual assault, and then went back to a room to talk. I spoke at the meeting and had my coming out as a survivor/victim to the whole crowd of people. I told them that I felt as though I had finally become a survivor that night because I was now facing my past and being open about it. But there was also a reason that I cannot quite explain, but I know that there was something else that night that made me become a survivor rather than a victim.

I see what people are saying when the call all people who have experience abuse survivors. I mean just having literally survived the abuse is huge. I would never disagree with that. For me personally though I needed a little more to feel like a survivor. I think there will come a time when you are comfortable with the term and when you are ready to use it. For what it counts I think you are a survivor already.

Audrey

 

[onlybygrace]

I think that itself, the word survivor is a straight forward term that can only apply to anyone that walked away, lived. If you take it literally then you get it. I feel that the term can actually help a person to move on. I realize Invisible Survivor that you don't feel that you survived but you did! What you are feeling is quite normal and it's a process but moving on and applying "survivor" to your life can actually be the catalyst to healing. I get what you are feeling and saying, been there done that. Boy, that seems to be my favourite term lately. I'm sure you get my point though. If you pick it apart too much, it loses the original meaning.....much hugs to you! God bless

onlybygrace

 

[Tinyflame]

I've heard " 'survivors' are the people left standing when the smoke clears".

Maybe sometimes that's a start, no matter how we feel.

 

[invisible survivor]

Thank y'all so much. Like I said I am new to all this. And I have no support system. Except for my therapist. I am glad I found this place.