Survivors Guilt.

[Deleted member 12723]

I have had a long relationship with my sister who has personality problems. She is not emotionally abusive to me but she does so many things that drive me up the wall. I just do not like her.

The problem is that I have had to cut her out of my life two times. Now she is sick and dying. I am having a hard time sorting through this experierience. with her. I cannot cut her out of my life although I would like to.

I feel alot of guilt with my sister because I survived better than she did. I think it is survivors guilt.

Does any anyone know how to best deal with survivors guilt?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I forgot to say that my sister is arrogant, full of herself and patronizing. She is abusive with her temper and only showed it to me one time. I have such a hard time with her. She is a big gossip too.

 

[Aribear]

I feel the same way about my younger sister. I feel so guilty for disliking her and feel like if I had done a better job protecting her, she wouldn't be acting cruelly towards me. I often feel like she started treating me that way to try to protect herself from my father. Sort of an "If you can't beat him, join him" sort of thing. Then maybe it made her able to feel less guilt about or make it easier to live with what was happening to me.

But that was then. She is an adult now. She decides how she acts and what she does. And yes, some of her choices may be influenced by how she experienced our family, but she still has a choice. When I feel that guilt creep up (usually after she has been awful), I try to tell myself that it may not have been her choice then, but it is now.

I hope this helps at least a little with the guilt part. I'm sorry she treats you like that...

 

[Britt.f7]

I would like you to do something for me. Please remind yourself that you have worked hard to get where you are and you do not deserve to feel bad about that. Remind yourself that your sister also had choices to make. She chose differently. She chose not to get better. You are not responsible for this. It is unfortunate, yes, but this is not something you should take blame for. You are worth more than that. Things were not just handed to you.

Keep your head up. I hate guilt, it can eat you inside out even if you do not have a reason to be guilty for. I know it plays a larger part in my life then I would wish. I hate to see it do the same to you.

Hugs, Gizmo. (Hope this makes sense and is not offending. I think my meds are kicking in and it's time for bed! Good night & sweet dreams)

 

[Abstract]

Hi Gizmo,

So sorry that this is all so painful for you. I can hear your distress. :hug:

When I can't separate the emotions and go around and around in circles with distress then guilt then compassion then I find the only way I can deal with it is to separate it all. I know T's dont really like that as in the long term we are supposed to be able to hold the good and bad of someone in our minds simultaneously and not split it but I see it as a step in the right direction.

So what I do is look at the compassion I have and the understanding I have for the person and I acknowledge it and then put it aside. I then just look at how I feel and remind myself that I am putting the other stuff aside for now. Lastly I look separately at what the behaviours are that bother me and keep the rest aside. It just helps me to focus as otherwise I cant and go in never ending spirals.

I then look at what I need to do to stay safe. What I can do to feel safe from the behaviours that bother me.

You sister sounds like she has had a really hard life and was treated very unfairly by your family. But that does not mean you need to put your own needs and safety aside to compensate. You have to do what you have to do. There are more gentle ways one can out boundaries up if one looks.

This is a very difficult situation for you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you for your well thought out responses. I really needed it alot.

Aribear when you said she decides how she acts and what she thinks. I need to take a good hard look at these things.

I so appreciate what you had to say. It means so much to me. I can look back on this when I feel weak.

Britt, you are so right on the mark. I have worked very hard on myself and my family with no support from my brothers and sister. They were in denial and did not believe me.

I have been giving my own power away. To people who have not been there for me. They took. They used me to make them feel good.

It is a fact, my sister did not choose to get better. She is only doing better now because she has to deal with social services coming to check her home and situation out. If they screw up he will go up for adoption and they do not want that. So as long as someone is watching them they tow the line.

thank you for pointing out to me that I have no reason to feel guilty. I will have to really hang onto this one. No worries on offending me. I really appreciate what you had to say. Thank you so much.

Astract thank you so much. I will do what you say and focus on keeping me safe with boundries.

This situation has tormented me and tortured me for so long. I am beginning to feel alittle better. I do not want to get hooked into the drama or the crazymaking.

I really appreciate what you guys had to say. I have a plan and a path I intend to follow. I will let go of this guilt. It is only hurting me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of this.

I do not like my sister at all. I have not liked her in years. I am getting fed up with her nonsense. I would never have her as a friend. I am only on the beginning stages of this.

But with being armed with new information, I may be able to overcome this one as well.

 

[Britt.f7]

You're welcome, Gizmo! Hugs! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I called my niece today. My sister got on the phone too. Then the grandson got on the phone and would not get off. My niece said he does not like her on the phone. So I did not get a chance to really talk to her.She is not too worried about her mom.

So either she is in denial or my sister is not as bad off as she claims. Hared to say what is the truth. It was not a very good phone conversation. The boy is spoiled rotten and and a handful. He was doing better in foster care.

Either way, I feel stronger and it is more manageable. They are living their own lifes. They spent Thanksgiving waiting for my flaky half brother to show up and he never did. She was in for a big dissappointment. But she sounds like she survived it allright.

All I know is that I handled it alot better. I got off the phone. Too crazymaking for me.

The daughter and my sister both sound like the exact same person. It was eirie. But I managed to hang on to myself this time, so there was some progress.

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

You shouldn't feel guilty about being strong, especially when someone is as good as you are gizmo.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Marine. That was a very sweet and kind thing for you to say about me. I appreciate it alot.

 

[Abrasky]

I don't know how to answer, but I have the same problem. You are not alone :) and I hope that is comforting.

 

[Abstract]

But I managed to hang on to myself this time, so there was some progress.

Gizmo,
Well done to you! I know how hard that can be. But it makes all the difference doesnt it?!

I am sorry they are so difficult and it is such a difficult situation.

You can do this and are strong. :hug: