Survivors Of Abusive Marriages

[Little Flower]

Are women who need support and find it here among similar people just whining about their ex s?
Should we just shut up unless we have childhood abuse. Is it less important than combat PTSD
Talking about an abusive spouse may be some people's cry for help
Really confused and a bit out off

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

'Here' as in the forum? Why do you think it might be 'less important' and 'just whining'?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Why? Did someone in chat give you that impression? I don't think its just whining. I think it is a valid trauma and you have a valid reason to be here on the forum and seek help.

 

[Little Flower]

Yes they sorta did
Good. It was not the beginning of my PTSD but it definitely play a major role in my depression

 

[Fadeaway]

I am sorry if someone made you feel that way. I am a CSA and Domestic Violence survivor. I don't think you can say one is worse than the other. I do know that DV is complex and causes damage on many layers and levels that requires strong support.

 

[macbeth]

PTSD can come from many causes, none more or less traumatic than any other. I don't think it is wise to compare.

 

[desiderata310]

Well.. let me think about that... There are a number of us who had visible bruises and scars as a result of our ex's. I try hard not to think or talk about him. UNFORTUNATELY he invades my dreams and quite frankly, even with a restraining order I figure he is going to be hiding around the next corner.

The things I went through as a kid... I am still struggling with describing. I sometimes think I am whining but my therapist calls what I went through 'torture' and it makes me wince when he says that. I have recurring nightmares of things that happened. Things that shouldn't happen to little kids. And... I don't know. I try hard not to think about that stuff but even though my father died years ago, I don't really feel safe when I go to bed at night and I still have flashbacks about what happened. There are times when I really AM 8 years old again, not 41 and it's not 2014 but rather it's 1981

So... I don't TEND to think of what I write or what folks here write about here as whining. The post I wrote today I read back over and I am ashamed because I feel like it was the writings of a whiny person. I didn't FEEL whiny at the time. I felt ... desperate... I still do but I am in a slightly better place and have a slightly different perspective from earlier.

And finally, the thing that I am clinging tightly to right now when I am feeling most.. out of sorts and anxious and scared that I don't belong on a PTSD site is the validation I got from a combat PTSD sufferer I know in person who found out I have PTSD and as I mentioned that I have a strong aversion to violent movies he said:

"I TOTALLY get that, you've spent your time in the trenches"
I protested and said that what I went through wasn't really the same as what he did
"yeah, but you served your time fighting too. It was just a different fight"

Not sure if someone said something that was invalidating to you or not but yeah... there it is.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sometimes you just need to ignore certain people while only listening to others. Sometimes people get started on the "my trauma is MORE than your trauma" kick and its best to disengage from these sorts of discussions. Don't get me wrong, I have no delusions about some people suffering more or going through more trauma, but at the same time I don't think anyone can say that domestic violence trauma is "less" than childhood trauma or combat trauma, because it isn't. (The only time I argue that something is less traumatic is when someone whines about something like getting dumped by their boyfriend being "traumatic" and there was nothing that qualified under criterion "A" of the PTSD diagnosis.)

I think you can get a lot of support here on the forum, so don't let one person (or discussion) scare you away.

 

[desiderata310]

@Solara where is the "super like" button?

 

[Glara]

I was also in a domestic violence situation, but I wasn't married. He stalked and terrorized me. Fortunately for me he moved on to someone else. He abused her and their daughter and ultimately ended up in prison. As for me, I had nightmares and couldn't listen to certain music or watch horror movies for about a year after. After that year I became ok again, it's just to me that's a year that's blurry and kind of lost. I was lucky to get away because I know what he went on to do. If it had gone on longer I don't know how I would have reacted. He was severely abusive both physically and sexually. Right now it's hard to talk about, I rarely ever do. It's why I think I have insight to other peoples' depression and suffering. It's why I went back to school and got my BA in psychology and I'm a social service caseworker. Not a therapist or counselor, I basically guide clients through the system. What I'm saying is it did impact my life dramatically, fortunately I was able make it a positive impact.

I think childhood trauma is different in that it effects the brain development which makes it harder to treat. And combat trauma is something completely out of my realm. My Dad was in Korea, in medical unit. His whole unit died in a bombing, he is the only survivor because he was in training on Japan. He never told anyone in our family about this until his brother passed away a few years ago. He's the oldest of 4 and outlived all of them. This isn't even a combat trauma he experienced, but rather a profound loss. I know nothing of this type of trauma related to war. But is that "worse" than being stalked an abused by someone who is supposed to be a partner in life?

It really doesn't matter how you experienced your trauma, what matters is how your brain dealt with it. If you have ptsd from a traumatic experience, you have it. You have to deal with it, and how you got it is irrelevant.

I'm sorry some people don't understand domestic violence, I guess it's the culture. But domestic violence is certainly traumatic or my former abuser wouldn't have landed in prison.

 

[Blue Survivor]

Trauma is trauma. No one can have complete understanding of another person's life or experiences. None of us are 'better' or 'worse' than the rest.

I am too a survivor of domestic abuse from my ex husband. Let's say that I meet a soldier that has ptsd...would it be fair for me to say that my ptsd is 'worse' than his, because I lived with my abuser and that soldier 'only' experienced trauma in another Country and then got to come home? Of course not. Could someone tell me that they have 'worse' ptsd than me because they were abused as a child, where as I was abused as an adult? Of course not. Trauma is trauma, and it affects all of us differently.

I walked away from my ex husband, and I often feel sad that I left that environment only to be left dealing with ptsd. I did not expect this and it makes me so mad sometimes! At times I think it would have been easier to stay, because then I was in 'survivor mode' and now I sometimes still feel like a victim instead of a survivor because of my nightmares & flashbacks. But I know that some with ptsd cannot drive, or work, or do a lot of things that I am thankful that I can do. So am I better or worse than those people? Of course not.

I think that in domestic abuse, your feelings about things are minimized so you feel like they don't matter. That could be where you're getting this from; this feeling that you're only whining and that there are bigger/better versions of ptsd that are more important than yours. Only you know how you feel. But just know that YOUR trauma is NOT LESS IMPORTANT than someone else's.

 

[Rose86]

I am new to this site. In a desperate place, suffering from CPTSD which is effecting all areas of my life and wellbeing as well as my new healthy relationship. I was so suprised to see the forum being used to compare the severity of indiviuals experiences and soldiers in action. CPTSD is not the same as PTSD although some symptoms overlap. When I have spend nearly a week feeling exhausted, shaking, sweating, vomiting over an emtional flashback at the weekend I can tell you its very real and people with CPTSD DONT like talking about their past experiences in fear of a trigger. Which again amazes me by the level of info so far. Would it not be better to help and support individuals when they have a tough day, feeling suicidal, practical help. This is not a competition.