Sweet Relief

[piratelady]

Since my mom visited me, my depression snuck up on me, until I was in the throws of some seriously bad depression. I harmed myself, cried incessantly, isolated. I have not been depressed like that in a long time. I didn't tell my therapist about how bad it was, but oddly enough, he was still able to help. Between him and some perspective here, I am bouncing back, in record time!

It is amazing how depression can start to lift almost as quickly as it creeps up. I have focus now, a goal, and some hope. I have learned something from this. My lack of self-esteem seems to trigger my depression. My mom came here, pointed out everything that is wrong with me, and left. She left me with a pile of self-doubt. I held on to that until it dragged me down.

Therapist tells me that we have to build my self-esteem. He says if I put myself out there, make some friends, interact with people, that will help to build my self-esteem. I am not sure exactly how the two are related, but I'm up for anything. Apparently, if we first build my self-esteem, it will help with all the other healing that is necessary. So, rather than trying to "fix everything" and becoming more depressed because I can't - instead I will focus on getting back out into the world.

I am not 100% and I fear that this new found perspective can be ripped away as quickly as it came, but I am thankful for it now. I was able to get what I really needed in therapy and from the friends I have made here.

Hopefully this was the correct forum. I know I am not currently depressed, but I was...and now things are turning around.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's great PL! :hug:

 

[maddog]

Yes, this is fantastic, a really healthy refreshing perspective on the topic of depression, which is, naturally, so very depressing, but which, as you've pointed out, can lift and allow the light back in as quickly as it descends in the first place. And how often is it true that while down in the deep dark places, we find something worth bringing back to the surface with us when we come, just as you have this time round.

I don't want to hijack or detract from this fantastic thread, but your post did bring up something for me - the issue of self esteem. The concept has always bothered me for the very reason you outline, the fact that it is very dependent on the input and influence of others, and is thus very prone to rise and fall markedly depending on the quality of our interactions. Of course this is fine when we can surround ourselves with healthy positive people, but this isn't always possible, and when toxic or even just generally deflating people are in our circle, self esteem can drain away quickly.

I guess for that reason, I've always preferred to try to focus on building concepts such as self efficacy, self concept, self compassion and self confidence, which are inherently more stable and influenced by internal rather than external factors.

And hell, I'm still working at it, no platitudes from on high coming from here, but somehow this has always felt like what I want to be focusing on, rather than self esteem, which feels scarily dependent on others.

Not sure if that makes sense, but as someone who also struggles badly with the enormous pendulum swings of depression and ok'ness, I am always desperate to try to stabilise as much of my life as I can, or at least to try to.

But I do agree that engaging with the world is a really really positive step overall, because no matter what we build within us, we are inevitably destined to interact with others and to be social animals, so the quality of our social network really is critical.

Maddog

 

[piratelady]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply! You are not hijacking or detracting at all. I always appreciate the insight.

I guess for that reason, I've always preferred to try to focus on building concepts such as self efficacy, self concept, self compassion and self confidence, which are inherently more stable and influenced by internal rather than external factors.

When I say "Self-Esteem" I think I mean what you have said above. My therapist thinks, and I am inclined to agree, that I need to learn to be confident in who I am. Not to let criticism from others take me from feeling OK to...well where I have been lately. I still don't fully understand it, but he believes that by interacting with others and getting out into the world will help me learn to believe in myself more and will help to stop me from basing my self-worth on the opinions of others.

We have discussed my prior abuse and how I didn't leave my ex when he initially became abusive. I didn't trust my instincts, instead I believed what he told me - how horrible of a person I was and I needed to do everything he said. I am scared to form relationships (whether friends or romantic) because I worry that if I meet someone like my ex, I will not turn and walk away. I do not trust myself. Somehow, getting out there will fix that.

I don't really get it, but I am still hopeful. It is something to try that may take me in a positive direction. I am going to go along for the ride and see where I end up. I am ready to get off the roller coaster :)

 

[nimkekaa]

Therapist tells me that we have to build my self-esteem. He says if I put myself out there, make some friends, interact with people, that will help to build my self-esteem.

Well I'm not sure if your T's advice to make friends will work for you but I'm glad it was a recommendation because I am sure glad to have you as a friend.

 

[Shellbell]

piratelady - this is so great, so uplifting to read, so positive and gives hope to those who are struggling in the same ways, of which there are no doubt many on this forum.

Thank you so much for sharing this and I am so happy for you that you have been successful in achieving something that is really challenging.

It also shows there needs to be a real desire to change the situation. I believe positive change only happens when the person really wants to change it and takes the necessary steps to change you have done this so well.

Good on you!!! Fantastic!

 

[maddog]

And you *will* change PL, because you want to, you've decided you're going to, and I do truly believe that that's the biggest part of the battle.

Good on you!

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am both happy and so proud of you. I just love it when the depression lifts. I am glad your therapist was able to help you. Good for you. I hope it lasts. I want off the rollercoaster too. There is always hope. You have so encouraged me. big hugs.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you Gizmo and Maddog. I am still doing well. Honestly, I expected these happier feelings to have worn off by now. I really did think it was just a short break from the cruddy feelings. But, so far so good :D. I was able to get out and have lunch with my friend and I am looking into joining a local group of people my age. Hopefully, by building some more relationships I will continue to feel better. I am really looking forward to change.

I was thinking more about how this might help me in the long run, and what my therapist was thinking in suggesting this would help. It is almost like I will have new friends and relationships, but with a safety net, so to speak. I told him repeatedly that I am scared to meet new people because I may make the same mistake I made with my ex. I saw who he was, but did not turn and walk away. Now, I will have the therapist to help me learn to walk away if these relationships are not in my best interests. I am facing one of my fears that stems from my trauma. I don't know, maybe I am reaching. Either way, it is something to try. I really hate being in therapy and not "doing" anything. Now I have something to try.

 

[maddog]

I know that for me, it was hard to accept that I really did need someone to coach me in how to do relationships - how to spot safe people, how to initiate and sustain friendships, deal with conflicts in a healthy way etc, but I did, and still do, absolutely need a guide and mentor in this process, and my T has been invaluable to me in that way.

I really hope you can have a similar experience, because while it might seem like a small thing, connecting in a healthy way with the human race is one of the biggest aspects of reintegrating with the world after trauma, and you have a right to all the support you need during that process.

Fingers crossed it all stays on track for you, and know that your safety net is there and strong if and when you need it.

MD