Switching From M To F Therapist

[quaintpapercut]

I really like my T and he's very good at what he does. I trust him and he has consistently shown that he's in my corner and is invested in me getting better. I'm really happy with the pacing of things and am grateful at how far I've come from just 8 months back.

That being said we're getting to a point where it is necessary to discuss more sexual content - behaviours, patterns, terrible awful things that have occurred. We've touched on them briefly before but more stuff is coming up and I feel like I have a lot of ground to cover. Thing is I really don't know if I have the comfort level to discuss these things with him because he's a male therapist.

I've thought about looking into switching to a female T but I worry about the time it will take to build the rapport necessary for an effective therapeutic relationship. Not to mention I'm worried about having to try multiple T's to find one whose approach I can work with. Feels like I'm stuck - I know I have to talk about these things but there is a lot of shame and embarrassment.

After writing that out I'm thinking maybe the issue is not the male/female therapist but my own discomfort with the content? Would it really be that different if I had a female therapist? It's not like I would feel comfortable discussing these things immediately with a new therapist anyways.

I guess I'm looking for any experiences where people have discussed difficult issues related to sexual assault/abuse with a therapist of the opposite gender.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've always loved my male T's.... But, I had to settle for female ones as most trauma therapists around me are female. So perhaps I had the opposite issue? (My abuse was sexual, at the hands of a female.) when it came time to process, I was told to put my faith in the treatment, not the gender of who's administering the treatment. This got me over my hump so to speak and I was able to process with my non preferred gender. I wish you luck.....

 

[piratelady]

I have never had a female therapist. The thought of talking to a woman about my abuse, just feels off to me for some reason. That being said, I have also never discussed the details of my abuse in therapy. It is largely due to shame and embarrassment. I don't know if that would go away if I switched to a female therapist. Anyway, I hope you find someone you can talk to.

 

[cherryblossom]

Honestly . . . I don't think it would make any difference whether your T were male or female. I think the difficulty lies with subject, not the gender of your therapist.

I saw a lot of different therapists, before I found the right person that I could open up to. It turned out to be a female therapist, but in all honesty, I think it could have just as easily turned out to be a male. For me, the only important factor was building rapport and trust.

Talking about the details of sexual abuse is embarrassing - there's really no escaping that, whoever you talk to. If you have a good rapport with your male T, then I would stick with it. It could take you months or years to find a suitable female therapist, and build up a rapport, only to find that you are still just as embarrassed to talk about details.

There's no getting away from it. It IS embarrassing to discuss intimate details of sexual abuse, but you have to consider the pros and cons. What's the worst thing that could happen if you tell your T everything? Nothing bad will happen from speaking the truth. Best case scenario - you speak out, you feel lighter and better for not holding secrets, you feel empowered because you no longer hold that secret. You get the opportunity to process all your emotions around your trauma(s). End result - you have the opportunity to deal with your trauma, process thoughts and emotions, and have a significantly better chance of managing PTSD.

Trust me, the thought of speaking out is scary, but if you bite the bullet and just go for it, you will reap the rewards.

Good luck, I hope you find the right person to open up to. :hug:

 

[quaintpapercut]

Thank you- your right. It is embarrassing and shameful and all of those things to speak about sexual abuse. That's the issue really if I think about it. For me, all of my abuse came at the hands of males who have exploited my vulnerabilities and weaknesses.

Even though we have established a strong foundation in our sessions a part of me is still waiting for the inevitable sucker punch where a boundary is breached or something inappropriate happens. I know this is my history talking though as he has consistently shown that he is trustworthy. I agree that the right approach is to put faith in the treatment and not the gender of the therapist.

It's all a process. Sometimes it feels like I'm retraining my brain or like I'm a toddler learning how to walk for the first time.

Thanks for the replies :)

 

[Tinyflame]

To me, it's quite unfathomable to bring up some things, gender wouldn't help. Even a police report is difficult. On a personal, this-can-be-avoided issue, the words don't come out. However, I don't have a T, and that being said it's not like they haven't heard it before.

Because I am Roman Catholic, and go to Confession, well it always has to be a man. But then you're confessing what you've done wrong, not whats done to you. But it still took 25 years to confess suicide attempt(s), or SI. I have never gone into SA, even if it was (also) my fault. I suspect I'll take it to my grave.

That being said however, I think without trust and respect for the reponse it's useless. I do know that when I've heard men directly say that something is wrong, I am shocked but feel better because, well, they've said it is wrong. So in that way, it might be very helpful for you to find out 'all' men (even T's) don't view it as maybe you have viewed it.

I guess without saying, one never gets new input or guidance. It's a bit like being in a prison.

Although to be able to say anything, is a big burden taken off your shoulders.

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[Shellbell]

I think everyone is different and yes it is the subject that is difficult, but I could not talk to a male therapist about certain issues. I was referred to a femal therapist specifically due to men being my abusers.

But, if you have built up trust and a rapport with your current T and you have confidence in him, then it may be worth trying to talk about these issues with him, rather than changing to a new therapist and having to start again.

Only you know whether you can talk to a male and if you can't, then decide whether to change.

 

[anthony]

I think if you can talk about it, openly and honestly, with your therapist that you have rapport with, then that is beating the very issues of shame from the get go. Running to a female therapist is letting shame win IMHO... you aren't the offender, you are the victim. Shame belongs with the offender.

 

[Shellbell]

I agree the shame should be with the offender, but that's not how it is for many people, particularly women who have been repeatedly and severely sexually abused from a young age.

I did talk about some of my trauma's with a male, but there is no way I could discuss details of the abuse, or discuss intimacy issues. I'm struggling to discuss any of that with a female therapist. It would be impossible for me with a man. My mental health doc knew I needed a female therapist and I'm glad as switching to a new one would be very stressful.

 

[Lucycat]

I have a male T.

There are somethings that I just could NOT tell him, so I sent an email. He was brilliant - I got both an email reply and the opportunity to discuss in the next session. He did not go into the detail of the email, but just the general points so that we could both discuss it without feeling embarrassed - actually I was kidding myself that I was sparing HIS blushes, but I'm sure now that he has heard it all before.

As for the shame part - well that was really hard. I had seen a psychiatrist who decided the shame was blocking my therapy. T was with me during that consultation so T and the psych together came up with a plan. At a future session I had to look T in the eye while having EMDR. It was incredibly hard but very rewarding. It was amazing just how much better I felt after that session.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Anthony - trust and rapport are so important and when looked at objectively trump the issue of gender completely. It doesn't matter if the therapist is male or female if you don't feel like you can be honest with them. Lately I've also been thinking that its been helpful for me as we talk a lot about boundaries and safety and I think the context of those discussions would be different if it were a woman.

Shellbell-it is hard to talk about, especially when those thoughts have never seen the light of day. I'm glad you knew to initially request a female therapist. I started seeing my therapist for an entirely different matter but strangely enough he specializes in trauma . I feel like I was almost sending myself a message in a bottle.

Lucycat-I like your email solution- writing is much easier for me than speaking. I just got a referral to a psych (female) and I was wondering about how the two could compliment the other. It took me so long to get to know my therapist and I know its going to be really difficult for me to open up and be truthful. The fact that she is a female does nothing in helping the rampant fear I feel at talking to a stranger. I already don't trust her and I haven't even met her. How wrong is that?

 

[TeaLeaf]

paper cut-
Do you think that talking with the male therapist about the difficulty in discussing the sexual issues would help? Maybe he can provide some reassurance to you.

I have a sexual abuse history and have always seen a female therapist, there is no way, no how I could have discussed my sexual abuse with a male therapist way back when I started therapy. It would have been too giant of a leap for me to take. It took me years to discuss the details of my abuse to my female therapist and I felt really comfortable with her. I agree that shame belongs with the offender. At the same time if you can't talk about the sexual content that you need to talk about because of their gender, it would be best to switch to a female therapist and take the time to build a therapeutic relationship with them.

After many years of therapy, I probably could see a male therapist if I needed to and it actually may be beneficial in dealing with my triggers but that is just where I am at right now. Everyone is different, honor where you are and listen to what you need.