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T and vacation


We hate when our t takes vacation. There is something deeply programmed into us when it comes to saying bye. Not bye forever but it feels that way too the parts. We have tried talking with the parts, reassure them, and the list goes on. I hate this the most of all my issues. It's sad, and lonely, frustrating, lost, etc. and it's not something anyone can really understand and and it sucks.
I understand it. Mine used to tell us and we have no clear idea why he does not tell us anymore. Now it is a missed appointment but since we only go every 4 weeks it becomes 8 weeks. Most parts feel abandoned and unsure that he will come back. It is a high stress time for sure. We have two weeks left of our 8 weeks, so we keep saying we have survived 6 weeks already. It makes reconnecting difficult.
Could you maybe try rather than focusing on your therapist being on holiday/missing - what you can build into your life as a support during that time instead?
See it as an opportunity to develop and use the time to try new things, meet new people, new hobbies - put yourself out there a bit?

A therapist is just one person at the end of the day, they will be back & perhaps it might make you feel a bit less lonely if you had more of a village?
It's so painful. The intensity and overwhelmingness of it. I'm sorry you are in it.

I think I have learnt that it is something to do with this theory of 'object consistency' ' thing. And feeling abandoned. .for me anyways. When I learnt that I could carry my T around with me. And that I didn't fear that in each session she would potentially terminatr me because of something I said. Or that I would have to learn to reconnect on each session. When all that fear and anxiety settled a bit and I had developed a 'felt sense' of T and her care: it was only then that the pain of her having a break reduced.

It's a lot to work through.
But: it is possible to work through.
And it can get easier.

Have you spoken to your T about it?

I would need reassurance from her. Words. Words helped more because I had no 'felt sense'. Had no idea what a 'felt sense'' was.
Hearing you, completely get this from my last T, and trying to disconnect and reconnect and all the panic that goes with it. I second recordings- Ex T recorded a story for the little ones and it really helped (completely unexpected, I thought she was mad when she sent it to me, turns out it worked!) Transitional objects too- especially if they link to T/ the room/ sensory stuff.

Definitely trying to broaden support is something I've consciously tried to do since ex T left. I realised very suddenly that all my eggs were in one basket, and her instantly terminating left me with nil help overnight. So, this time round I'm trying to build a 'team' or network that I can utilisie to support when a T isn't about, yet still gives me a level of holding .(I get nothing will ever be as good as T if you are doing relational/ attachment work, and that sucks) For me this has been some equine assisted therapeutic time via a charity, an OT and an art therapy group.
So I have this thing, where anyone I don’t have eyes on, I genuinely believe to be dead. And every goodbye, even if it’s just to another part of the house (no eyes, unless I can hear them, includes 20 feet away), could be the last thing I ever said to them. Even if someone is standing right next to me? It’s more of a 50/50 kind of thing, because they could be gone, in an instant.

This kind of belief structure? Worked VERY well for me, until I had kids.

Before kids, I was very Joie de vivre & fatalistic & enthusiastic/sparkly (or more rarely, somewhat miffed/disappointed) upon both leave taking & returns.

AFTER kids? I couldn’t just write a person off as dead unless I knew for a fact that they weren’t. >.<

It took some doing, and a whole helluva lotta false starts (Nope. THAT doesn’t work!) before my kid’s preschool teacher stumbled onto the answer that did work, for me.

“You’ve decided to trust us.”


Now THAT? Worked. Every single little facet, tumbler in the lock, slid neatly into place in my heart & mind. Including my baseline for ANYONE/Anywhere I would leave/entrust my child to, and all manner of repercussions should they fail.


Now, I have no idea if deciding to trust your T -or reminding yourself of what you have decided- would work the alchemy necessary for you to be okay with them being away, and rather suspect not.

The point of this story is not that what worked for me would work for anyone else… but more along the lines that it took me a few years of the same thing happening over and over and over, again… until I found the right key to slide into the lock that made it okay/good/right. That met ALL the conditions that allowed children in my care to exist “outside the rules” of everyone/everything else in my life.

I suppose I could have gone after the Core Belief, instead, if I knew what core beliefs & cognitive distortions were at the time (I didn’t). And, for a lot of people that might be easier/faster/better. But, even now? It is FAR easier/faster/better for me to find “an exception to the rule” rather than to change the rule, itself. Shrug. Different strokes.