Contacted old T

[Muttly]

I was in therapy for a lot of years. The therapist I did the most work with was really great for me for a lot of years. She was always a bit flakey but it was offset by how good she was and how generous she was. She is the only therapist my parts (I have DID) would come out for. She then had a lot of life stuff happen and her flakiness increased. I also was in a very different place in my life. I don't think we were connecting as well. This T had a reaction to something in a email conversation that was way off the mark and kind of extreme. We talked it out and she apologized. I lost trust though. Scheduling with her was getting harder too, so we decided it was time to part ways. I saw a T after who was ok, but nothing special. We didn't do much deep work. I moved and found another T who was good in therapy but she no showed for two sessions, cancelled at the last moment for another, was late too a few. It was like my good-T but worse and with much less of a relationship. I was also the most stable I'd ever been and super busy and stopped therapy. That was december

Fast forward to now. In a lot of ways, I'm still way healthier than I've ever been. However, the last few months have been filled with stress. And Friday, my dog died. There's a lot of signs that I'm not ok. We are also moving towards a PTSD anniversary. Insiders were thinking a lot about good T. They want to talk to her. She used to do remote therapy and do it for out of state folks. We sent her an email the other day asking if she still did that and if she has openings. *I* don't know if that was a good idea. She hasn't replied. There could be so many reasons she hasn't replied. *I* know that. Now insiders are feeling the same feelings we used to feel when T was being flaky. To me, this suggests that dealing with her is a bad idea. At the same time, I know that she could be on vacation or whatever and still end up replying and that emails are not the best form of communication. (We all hate the fun).

I don't really want to start over with a new therapist. I won't go back to the therapist we found here. It's also really early in the grieving process for Old Mutt and maybe we don't even need therapy. Thoughts?

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

Your story sounds so much like mine except that I have only been out of therapy since the spring and going back to my old one is not possible. But ditto on my dog dying (July for me) and increased stress and insiders just wanting to be back in therapy.

A few things I keep thinking about that might be helpful:

First, I keep thinking about how I’m afraid of becoming unstable, but that doesn’t mean I’m actually unstable.

And second, therapy itself can be helpful but it can also be destabilizing. And for me at least at this point, therapy with a bad therapist who doesn’t get DID is worse than no therapy at all.

It sounds like the old therapist was good but also destabilizing in some ways, yeah? Perhaps better to leave the memories as good ones than dredge that up again? Another option I keep thinking about is the option to do therapy without doing parts work (not sure if that’s possible) in order to just have a safety net of sorts.

 

[Midnightmoon]

So good T is the one you've done the most work with/ who gets the needs of you all as a whole?

I'm guessing to reach out in the first place someone thought it was a good idea...even if they can't voice that now and the panic has taken over instead. I recognise this on so many levels. My youngest one will seek attachment reassurance and as soon as it's happend others jump in like what the hell have you just done that for. (Cue shame spiral of need/ want blah blah blah, all the usual lovely stuff)

The need for support seems to make sense on many levels, the trauma anniversary and losing your dog are obviously very tangible reasons but this...

There's a lot of signs that I'm not ok

is probably the best indicator of needing some more help on board and stuff isn't going right.

Now you've reached out, is it worth waiting for old T to get back and see what they say. If it's a no, you've lost nothing by asking and maybe then you re think what other options might be. If it's a yes- speak to them, see what they're like now, what they can offer for you all now and see how it feels after (for insiders as well as you)?

I don't really want to start over with a new therapist

I really really recognise this too at the moment with my own stuff. I continue to limp along with a T that really isn't working because, well, I don't know, the overwhelm of starting again. No bright ideas on how to make this feeling any easier but I get it and it's a horrible spot to be in

 

[Movingforward10]

Really grateful on so many fronts:
That you recognise you need additional help/support right now
That you reached out to old T, after doing a great assesment of what would suit your needs best.
That you're aware some parts are panicking and that *you* are taking control and reassuring them.
That you're aware of attachment/panic/logic/etc

How long has it been since you emailed T? How long would she usually take to respond?
It is holiday season.

Do you and parts feel able to look at other options too? I get that it's a effort to sletalisj new relationships, but it might help with feeling like you have options?

 

[Muttly]

First, I keep thinking about how I’m afraid of becoming unstable, but that doesn’t mean I’m actually unstable.

Yes, I have been thinking about that. It's part of why I mentioned that it's still early in the the grief process. I know that is skewing my perceptions.

And second, therapy itself can be helpful but it can also be destabilizing. And for me at least at this point, therapy with a bad therapist who doesn’t get DID is worse than no therapy at all.

Definitely worth considering

Now you've reached out, is it worth waiting for old T to get back and see what they say. If it's a no, you've lost nothing by asking and maybe then you re think what other options might be. If it's a yes- speak to them, see what they're like now, what they can offer for you all now and see how it feels after (for insiders as well as you)?

Well, she answered. Some parts inside already feel relieved? It sounds like T may not be available anyway. She did ask for more information. I really don't know what we want. I might have to be better about communicating inside. I think maybe if we start with someone new, we will go the route of not dealing with parts work/DID and just dealing with current stress and grief

. I continue to limp along with a T that really isn't working because, well, I don't know, the overwhelm of starting again. No bright ideas on how to make this feeling any easier but I get it and it's a horrible spot to be in

I've been in that position. It's not great. I think the good thing is it helped me realize I was reading to take a break from therapy as it felt like I was doing all the real work on my own.

How long would she usually take to respond?

This is a hard piece. She was really inconsistent in the past. Sometimes she'd reply immediately, sometimes it could take days to a week and sometimes she didn't. It was hard but I learned to ride it out and if it was urgent I would text her.

 

[Muttly]

I thought I'd update. We had a bit of an email exchange. Got caught up on each others' lives in a general sort of way. She is unavailable though.

I am clear I don't want to go back to my last T. Logically, I'm struggling and a T probably would be a good idea. Right now though. I just don't know where I would find the time/energy. I'm going to slog along for a while and see how things go.

I guess on the positive, there's lots of signs of how I've grown. I have not returned to self-destructive behaviors. Well, my eating isn't great but it's also not truly disordered. Thoughts of suicide flit through my head on occasion but they are just passing thoughts. I think so much of my life, that was one of my go to mechanisms that it's just habit. Also, I have Tat (my husband). I'm not putting the responsibility on him, but I also know that if he thought I really needed therapy he would tell me. He has told me he's concerned about me, but he's not at the "we need to do something" point.

I guess that's all. I appreciate everyone's thoughts
be well or if you can't, be gentle on yourself

 

[arfie]

I guess on the positive, there's lots of signs of how I've grown.

to me, this is the holy grail of psychotherapy, both pro and peer. even a therapy attempt done badly adds fertilizer to that growth process. as i see it, therapy is never a failure. i either learn or i succeed. either way, growth happens.

steadying support while you find your next step. keep growing.