Taking On The Perpertrator's Guilt

[Queen Boudica]

My pyschologist told me the other day that because my mother never felt sorry for anything she did, that she always thought she was right, that I feel sorry instead, I am the one who feels guilty and sorry for my existance.I can see what he is getting at:

I have been feeling guilty for all the horrible people around me and their actions. Like it is my fault because I could not stop them. I could not make them see they were wrong or change things.

And I am ashamed that they could not feel guilty or sorry, so I feel that guilt and sorrow in their place, because someone should.

Because what was going on was horrible. Someone should feel guilty so it has to be me.

Does that make sense?

 

[Ted Moen]

Awww Lizio ... emotional reasoning makes perfect emotional sense. And it feels so right.

You need to explore this a lot with your therapist. No, you do not need to feel guilty about things other people did, or about the things that seemed to happen around you.

Ted

 

[Tinyflame]

... emotional reasoning makes perfect emotional sense. And it feels so right.

Oh boy- that's a mouthful.

I think that Ted is right, that may be very so.
And even then add shame as you said Lizio or valuing a person's opinion in other areas. Or 'feeling' you should.

 

[amy]

Oh god, I can understand this so much .... as it is a mirror of the way I think and feel and what I have gone through with my mother and family. It is so hard, and I can not offer any advice as I too struggle with these feelings .... but I had to reply to your post, if only to show you that you are not alone in this .......... I wish you well and send you hugs. xxx

 

[Kim]

Yes, I feel guilty and ashamed as well for not being able to measure up to other peoples' expectations of me.

I can relate.

 

[Queen Boudica]

but I had to reply to your post, if only to show you that you are not alone in this .......... I wish you well and send you hugs. xxx

That's good to know I am not alone. Although very sad that we have had to go through all this.

So many of us are suffering because of other people's shitty behaviour.

I do feel very lonely here. No-one to really talk to about this. It turns out my husband of nearly 25 years is one of those perpertrators and I was too messed up and have allowed him to abuse me further. And absorb his guilt. So not someone I want to talk to this about.

And my other pseudo friends. Well they, I am sure, do not want to hear all this stuff.

So it is good to have this forum.

 

[Anna]

You are not alone. My therapist said to me that my mother caused many bad things. I have learned now to forgive and understand her behaviour. She really neved meant to cause harm. The man that hurt me many years ago was also disturbed and it has taken me many years to realise that I am not guilty, I was the victim.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I can't forgive her.

She is 84 now and I am still afraid to go and see her and have every excuse not to as she is on the other side of the World.

I am still afraid of her. Even if I weren't I'd be afraid I'd tell her exactly what she had done and that somehow she would finally realise and break and that would cause her to die.

So I think she will die a lonely death.

And, the thing is, it will probably be the last breaking point for me when she dies. But I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I survived her (sounds so horrible doesn't it).

 

[Mercy]

Hi, Lizio.
No that does not sound horrible at all to me. I can really understand your still being afraid of her. It was the same for me. When I came home from her very small funeral, I remember singing softly, "Ding dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch." Some child part of me was very relieved. Another more angry part of me wanted to go to her grave and cover it with grass adn weed killer so everyone would see how poisonous she was. Of course, I didn't but the thought was oddly comforting.

You may find that when she dies, you will be able to begin to shed that nasty role that was forced on you. Children are like sponges. They soak up whatever threatens the peace for deeply instinctive survival reasons. There will come a day when you can shed the shame and guilt which is not yours, and never was yours. Also you can shed the shame you may feel about letting yourself carry that role. Even if there were things you may have done that you feel guilty about, look at the circumstances, really look back with a child's gaze. You can see, you will be able to see that it was not your fault, it never was. You didn't have a chance to learn anything different. You can learn to become the person you want to be, active in recreating yourself as someone you are proud of and can love.

 

[Queen Boudica]

When I came home from her very small funeral, I remember singing softly, "Ding dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch."

Oh my God, that is so what I was thinking of singing when she dies.

Thanks for the kind words Mercy.

 

[Froggie]

And, the thing is, it will probably be the last breaking point for me when she dies. But I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I survived her (sounds so horrible doesn't it).

To this sounds normal and natural. Just to anwer your question, yes I felt guilt and shame because my efforts to denounce what was going on to help those kids caught with pedophiles was sabotaged. I felt that I had let them down. This guilt and shame stalked me for years until a therapist managed to undo that behavior of taking on that guilt complexe.

 

[Mercy]

How are you doing? Thinking of you[DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/javascript:;"]:rolleyes:[/DLMURL]!