Talking About Myself Has Me Start Falling Apart - Trapped.

[quaintpapercut]

And then I have a moment of clarity and realise that so much is still not ideal.

It can be a scary time when you experience a moment where you notice or feel that things are not as they should be. It seems like you are still able to contain a lot of your symptoms, but that also its almost like waiting for a pot to blow. I know thats why I was such a control freak before, still am actually, but my world is just smaller now. When you notice that things are not ideal, do you yearn for something that is?

And it isn't as if I don't want to! Thats what makes it so painful. Like being frozen in a block of ice. Trying to get out.

I agree. Like wanting to crawl back under a rock and pretend like it didn't happen. The urge for me to run away any time I reveal myself borders on pathological.

All I can say is that for me on the receiving end I don't mind if someone doesn't come back. As there is obviously so much that could be happening that I don't know about.

Same :)

 

[Abstract]

Attempting to hold myself accountable as I have still not gone for the check-up unfortunately.

 

[JustBe]

I know how hard it is. I think you're very brave (((abstract)))

 

[Abstract]

Thank you ((Movinon)). I feel the most cowardly thing in the world but shan't shoot down your words and shall try to let them in.

 

[Abstract]

An old thread was just bumped and it was one I discussed the lump on. It seems its longer than I thought. The post dates back to the 11 th of November but I know I had it for months before that. So probably over 8 months.

Silly.

 

[warathome]

I was drawn to this thread becasue of your desire to NOT share. I am the same. I have been told sharing helps you wor thorugh things. I read this because this is the exact issue I have been working on. I have been talking about starting to talk about my shit. I know that sounds like a run around, but I have avoidance down to an art form. I also think it doesn't matter what the trauma was, what matters is that we are here in this spot now and need t manage the PTSD. So I do not feel the need to share the traumas. I also think not every deserves to hear it. Someone said something about feeling safe with yourself. That is well said I do not feel safe with myself. I feel like when I start to actually talk about these things it is gonna knock me out and I won't be able to get up.

 

[Abstract]

I have avoidance down to an art form.

Relate to much of this warathome and I too have it down to a artform. Lots of practice!

I am doing quite well at present and at least talking quite a bit on the board. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Abstract]

I might as well discuss this here and dont want to start a new thread. I went and had the lump checked. Ashamed to say it seems it has taken me over 9 months. I need to not do that again.

Managed pretty well I think. Much better than I thought. It helped that it is above the breast and dr did not check everything as I thought would be done. Referral to breast clinic so that will be more demanding and involve the whole thing and an ultrasound etc.
Will probably be soon too.

I have an interesting tendency to attract professionals directly connected to my private life when I am most vulnerable. A tad annoying.

Arrived and discovered the dr I was scheduled to see is someone I have both had professional dealings with and is my neighbour. I still have dealings with her occasionally that are not linked to socialising. Running through my head was not only having the examination but also me possibly freaking out as well as her seeing my medical fine with all the psych meds and history on there. Yuck.

Anyway. Receptionist and a kind patient resolved the situation as he did a swap with me.

After I managed pretty well. Dissociated but was there enough. Had this new (I think) one where I was floaty and couldn't feel body and feet but then felt like I was walking in a slow motion way but going backwards and not leaving the clinic.

Did not go to work today and let a client down as well as not doing multiple urgent things. Grateful I have the choice and can allow myself to do that with minimum self flagellation. Feel a bit pulverised but OK ish.

Thanks to anyone who gave me support to do with this if you read this.

 

[Abstract]

I have come so far since I started this thread. Am talking up a storm in comparison to how I was then and with much less backlash.

 

[Abstract]

Feeling exhausted and have a very busy long day tomorrow. I can't shirk again.

Also suddenly have multiple people hounding sorry contacting me checking on me. Have been withdrawing more and more. Couldn't face it today or yesterday but need to answer. My mother is one of them and that is complicated.

Some very weird stuff is going on. All of a sudden, with me now being 45 years old, there is a whole lot of apparent concern about me. I don't know what to think.

 

[maddog]

Going to that appointment was huge Abstract, really really huge. I have some understanding of what a big deal it was for you to do that. I'm sorry I have no energy for words, but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and sending gentle comfort and support.

Maddog

 

[heidi]

Congrats on getting that looked at. I am very impressed. I think I sort of understand that problem. Let us know if you need extra urging or support before the next appointment although it sounds like you might not.