Talking About Sex

[Meadowsweet]

I was surprised when I cried, mostly because I've felt shame, self-hatred, disgust and all the other nasty emotions about myself. But I've never felt sorry for myself.

I don't mean self-pity, I mean feeling like I'm on my side. There was just one bit I'd written where I saw this vulnerable woman and felt sad that she was going through that. I think that's a good development.

Shell, I hope it goes well with your therapist. I'm rooting for you.

 

[maddog]

That's such a good point MS, self pity and self compassion (advocating for yourself) are very different, and I do think it's amazing progress to have experienced some of the latter, even if only momentarily, while reading through your account to your T.

I arranged with my T today that next Monday, when we next meet, I am going to attempt to talk him through some very difficult, extremely traumatic, recently accessed memories of sexual abuse myself. We've been skirting around this for some time now, but now is the time. I told him I wasn't sure how I would manage or even if I could, but that I had to try, and I asked him to bear with me in that struggle. Naturally, he was affirming and validating, as I knew he would be. We'd discussed the merits or otherwise of going through such memories in detail, weighing the potential for retraumatisation against the benefits of sharing.

For me, and based on previous experience with other traumatic memories, the benefit is not so much in sharing the details of the incident or event, and nor is this the point at which the experience is either healing or retraumatising. It is the process of having those horrific memories received and held by another safe person, validated, explored, discussed, debriefed, integrated, or whatever other word you choose to use. This is the healing, therapeutic part for me, and alternatively, the absence of this part of the process is what can make prolonged exposure techniques retraumatising, as is stated in what seems to be an increasing volume of current trauma literature.

As I told him, so much of the trauma of my past surrounds my utter aloneness, abandonment and isolation, and the horror of knowing that nobody knew or cared. Invalidating and disproving that belief with a safe person to share and help me to process my secrets is a gift I never thought I would be given, or would be in a position to give myself, and so I know that I have to fight through the nauseating terror of talking, and see through to the place on the other side where I am not so alone with the truth, and not so isolated with its impact, and can hold onto the validation of someone who I intellectually know will not shame or judge me.

I'm going to tell myself all of that a dozen times a day for the next 6 days, and then I'm going to hope I have the strength and courage to see it through.

Maddog

 

[shell]

I did it, I won't say I was able to face it straight on, but I did the best I could. I spoke for as long as possible, got lost in the emotion, but was able to control my reaction in a way I felt comfortable with.

We spoke about my inability to feel comfortable with being vulnerable. I felt heard, accepted and my feelings validated. I only managed half the session, before needing to back away, but it was a start.

I want to thank you all for your support, it may have only been a small step, but for me it was a giant leap of faith.

 

[Meadowsweet]

where I am not so alone with the truth, and not so isolated with its impact

This is something I can relate to very much. I still sometimes get the urge to run back to people who were around at times of abuse. I call it fairytale thinking, because I imagine this happy ending where suddenly someone is there to support and understand and make everything magically ok :(.

But also, I find sharing validating for my own disbelief. My memories are there for the most part, but not quite connected to the emotion or to my sense of reality. Somehow sharing with someone who doesn't minimise or disbelieve it, helps me in accepting it as real.

Shell, I'm so pleased that you went for it. Really well done.

this thread has really helped me feel less alone.

 

[shell]

This is something I can relate to very much. I still sometimes get the urge to run back to people who were around at times of abuse. I call it fairytale thinking, because I imagine this happy ending where suddenly someone is there to support and understand and make everything magically ok :(.

But also, I find sharing validating for my own disbelief. My memories are there for the most part, but not quite connected to the emotion or to my sense of reality. Somehow sharing with someone who doesn't minimise or disbelieve it, helps me in accepting it as real.

I did this exact thing, I thought I was going crazy, I couldn't believe the memories but my brother was able to give confirmation. Unfortunately the magic wand never existed, so I'm still stuck with them, I guess.

 

[maddog]

It's not a small step Shell, what you did today... it's a massive, death-defying leap of faith. It humbles me, gives me some strength to fight harder to go there. And a bit of progress, and some of the story, is more than ok at this stage - I think it's actually better and safer to move through this process slowly, to dip our toes in the water first and be sure of the support and stability on the receiving end before we try again.

MS, I think I indulged the fairytale thinking for a long time too, perhaps not even consciously, but there must have been some reason why I stayed connected to my family and lied to the world about who they were and weren't... the desire to somehow make it different and find a different ending has at times felt like an obsession to me. It at first seems so hopelessly defeated to acknowledge that nothing will ever be any different, but somehow that's the place of peace and closure we have to strive for. I take a couple of steps forward, then a few backwards, then a bit of a crawl forward, etc. Maybe it will be this way forever, or maybe one day I will truly feel that separation and be at peace with it.

This thread brings me unspeakable comfort. It has made me cry, made me smile, kept me hanging on, particularly at times like now, at 1.42am in the morning when most else in the world is very very dark.

Thanks to everyone here.

Maddog

 

[TeddySue]

I felt forced and was upset etc. But it's sharing the detail, like he touched there, did this etc. that I'm struggling with.

Sexual abuse is about control, and maybe this situation seems controlling to you and you want to feel like you have some say in what happens to you, unlike when you were abused. Just a thought.

 

[anthony]

How exactly is that going to help you with your recovery?

When shame is a huge mountain of an emotion to get past, and the person is struggling with it, then the technique of exposure is absolutely ideal to deal with such strong emotions within a safe and confidential environment.

 

[Ice_Fire]

(((Shell, MS))) well done! This thread has helped me feel less alone and less trapped by my own shame and self loathing about the SA. I'm hopeful now that I can tell my T.

Also, thank you Anthony, your practical, to the point posts really help. Yes, I'm sure talking about it is the way to deal with the shame around it. Now I've just got to find the courage to do it!

 

[Meadowsweet]

Sexual abuse is about control, and maybe this situation seems controlling to you and you want to feel like you have some say in what happens to you, unlike when you were abused. Just a thought.

Yes, this is certainly part of it. For me, it's not just about others control. It's also a problem with me giving up control by dissociating from my own feelings or thoughts in the face of fear.

So I sometimes have to work at sorting out what I want to do, from what somebody else would like me me to do.

 

[Meadowsweet]

When shame is a huge mountain of an emotion to get past, and the person is struggling with it, then the technique of exposure is absolutely ideal to deal with such strong emotions within a safe and confidential environment.

Yes, my therapist seems to work in the way you have outlined regarding exposure in the diary section of this site, ie starting with the most distressing traumas first and working through.

But it is gradual exposure, I've shared what happened, then outlined it, then gone into more detail and looked at my cognitions during the trauma. Then next week she will take me through 're-living' a specific part of the trauma and work at re-adjusting my cognition. And I guess, eventually we'll get to looking at ways to adjest my behaviour to get me back out into the world as a whole person.

Even though it is very difficult and obviously I'm having moments when I don't know what's what, I find the clear logical structure used by my therapist, helps me to trust the process.

 

[maddog]

MS, we have done exposure work on traumatic events in exactly the way you describe. My T has me start with a summary account of the event (to help him create an outline/timeline etc), followed by in-depth discussion of the event sequentially, followed by even more in-depth exploration of specific hotspots, over a period of sessions if necessary.

The eventual debriefing sessions, during which the meaning of the event, my thoughts, feelings and ongoing experiences of it are discussed, analysed, debated, reframed etc, is, in some ways, the most distressing and yet without doubt the most validating and meaningful for me. That's where most of the tears are shed on my part I have to say, but it's also where the healing comes, and the words and validations from him that keep me going through the dark times.

I've come to find a lot of comfort and security in this routine, ever distressing though it is. It helps to understand the process and what is expected of both of us, and by now I know his reactions and interaction style well enough to be able to anticipate how he will react and in some way, the experience feels like a painfully familiar little dance we do with each other.

It's a good thing we're old hands at it by now, cos we're going to need all of that resilience next week.

Maddog