Talking To Your Children About Ptsd

[digger]

I guess my question here is 'Do you?' or 'Have you?'

I am a lone parent. I have one, fifteen year old son who lives with me full time. He gets the best of me, because I make sure that he does. I do my absolute best to keep things together around him and save the falling apart stuff for when he's not around. But I can't deny that my problems have had a negative effect on my ability to be present for him in the ways I used to be. We still have a good relationship, but I know it is not what it would be if I didn't have so many problems.

Since I started counselling, I think this is probably becoming more of an issue. As I am working my way through problems, I am needing time and space to deal with the things that come up, and obviously there are days when I am very down about stuff.

The thing is some of the issues stem from my relationship with his father, which thankfully he doesn't remember any of the bad stuff about. And my other issues stem from things that I wouldn't want him knowing about in a million years. We have discussed depression before. After my dad died I hit a massive low and we talked about it then and he gets that. But that was three years ago and it's hard now to explain things to him because there is no recent cause to set it against if that makes sense, and I can't and wont tell him about what has caused it. But I still kind of feel the need to explain and apologise for how I am right now. I just don't know how to approach it with him without having to go into details.

 

[nomedic1]

I tell my kids my PTSD is a disease and sometimes it makes me feel bad and other times I will function properly , I told them at times I will need alone time to sort things out and other times I need to go visit my therapist.

 

[digger]

I tell my kids my PTSD is a disease and sometimes it makes me feel bad and other times I will function properly

Do you tell them why you have it? I guess that is more my problem. He would understand that, but I can't go into the why's with him and don't kow how to tell him without going into the why's. <<<if that makes sense??

 

[macca]

Hi Digger, I have 3 teenagers, and I have told them about the PTSD. It's hard for me to hide it at the moment, as I am currently getting triggered just by night time (among other things), though like you I'm trying my best to hide my reactions. (Luckily it doesn't seem as bad as usual tonight). All I said was that several things have happened to me in my life that led to it developing, but I've kept it very general. They didn't ask questions though. If they had of done, I had the "out" of telling them that I nearly died from an asthma attack in bushfires at 14yrs, that I nearly drowned at 11 years old, or a couple of other near misses like that. They don't have to know that these things aren't the real reason I have PTSD. I would not and will not ever tell them what that is about, never ever ever. But it was my card up the sleeve. I kept it as general as possible, and they didn't ask. I don't know if that helps or not.

 

[digger]

It's hard for me to hide it at the moment,

I feel it's getting harder for me at the moment to hide it as well with things getting into things in more depth in counselling, it has a knock on effect. Which is why I think I need to talk to hi about it now.

They don't have to know that these things aren't the real reason I have PTSD

I think that's probably a good way to go. It would mean having to make something up in my case though and I hate lying to him, but I kind of feel like I'm lying to him anyway at the moment by not telling him anything.

I feel so guilty that I'm not functioning as well as I 'should' be for him. It sucks.

 

[macca]

I hate lying to him

Yeah I know, I feel the same about what I had intended to do. I wonder if you need to. Maybe you could say that you have PTSD from things that have happened in your life, but being honest about not wanting to talk about these things, and explaining that it's part of PTSD to not want to talk about it, and partly because you don't want to pass on the fear. According to the new DSM V criteria, a trauma can occur Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. So that's an excuse not to tell him too. I don't know, I think that's what I might say.

 

[digger]

According to the new DSM V criteria

In some ways that raises another issue for me. I think I would probably find it easier to approach the issue with him, and possibly with other people too, if I had a formal diagnosis. I don't at the moment and for various reasons, I am wary of going down that route. I don't know. I really need to think this stuff through properly, but it seems there's never quite enough room in my head to do that!

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

Take care of yourself. I would look at what I need.. I would need to be understood and therefore need to be as honest as possible. My kid is 3... I am trying desperately to make a head start on grasping my emotional self so I can be present, more present. I already have the same pain of feeling I am not connected to this child how I could be, even though real authentic interaction with her occurs with great ease for me as compared with anyone else it has been a huge struggle.

Do we need to explain why these symptoms happen in order to be understood? I don't know.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi digger, from my perspective this is a boundary issue. He needs (?) to know you have PTSD to understand what is going on. He doesn't need to know the gory details. Unless he is a complete dolt he has already figured out that bad stuff has happened to you. Tell him, if he asks for details which he may not, that it is not something you can discuss outside a therapeutic context. Which is pretty much true, right?

You don't need to lie. Just figure out which return to tell.

Sending peace and comfort for you both.

 

[macca]

Does he know you go to therapy? If so, then maybe acknowledging to him that you're doing it tough right now, as you're working on some things in therapy, but that's how you process things and try to get past them, and difficult things are difficult to process - but it's worth it. You're setting a great example to him too, in seeking help for your symptoms, it makes it more "normal" to seek help. That ignoring your symptoms isn't helpful. It might also be a relief to him to know that it's a healing process, not something new going "wrong".

 

[Meadowsweet]

I would talk about this with your therapist first. the word 'should' is kind of an indication that this is you feeling guilty - which doesn't necessarily mean that your son thinks you 'should' do any more than you are doing.

I've been worrying about something similar - my son is 14 and I feel guilty for spending less time with him. I've talked to him about my worries about this, and we have always had conversations about parenting and our relationship, so I trust that he does tell me when I'm getting it wrong. And at the moment, he reassures me that I am not getting it wrong - it's simply that he is a teenager and WANTS to spend his time playing games and talking to his friends on his xbox.

He is becoming independent of me, and that's a natural stage of development. It's just hard for me as a parent to adjust to the change, and I worry a lot that I'm a failure. But that worry is part of my mental health issues, and not so much to do with any real indication that my son is giving me. I get sad as well that I'm not connected to what's going on, I depersonalise and am watching this woman bring up my children, and missing the full experience. But my son is happy and well adjusted. And I want him to be able to be independent, without worrying about me.

My children know I suffer with anxiety. They know this, because I have had to explain why I can't do something, or why I need to leave somewhere. But I do it in a light way, saying I know it's daft, rather than telling them that I'm terrified. And they know that I see someone with the aim of helping me relax more. My daughter saw that I was on the domestic violence forum once, and asked me why, and I explained that I was in that situation once, so I'm interested in it.

So I guess I explain a little bit at a time, as and when it seems necessary. But I also try to deal with my guilt and 'shoulds' because I don't want my children to be worrying about my feelings.

 

[digger]

Does he know you go to therapy?

He doesn't, no. But I think that is probably the way forward with it. I know that he understands about depression to a point as we have had conversations about that before, so I may just go down that line rather than the PTSD one with him, and explain that I've decided to see someone to do with that and that in the meantime it may mean getting a bit worse before getting better kind of thing.

It's just getting so much harder to keep a mask on at the moment. To some extent I am able to pass it off as other things as I also have a chronic pain condition and so he is quite used to me not always being able to go out and do stuff or needing to take some time out to rest, but physically I'm actually a little better at the moment and as I said already, I hate lying to him.

it makes it more "normal" to seek help.

Good point and I would like him to think if he was ever in a situation where he needed help that it is ok to ask for it.

He is becoming independent of me, and that's a natural stage of development

Yes that's definitely a part of it too, and I'm quite happy with that. He is very independent anyway and that is something I have encouraged. I think I worry though that if he did need me for anything he might not feel able to come to me for fear of adding to my worries or finding me too distant. I think possibly it also has to do with having no-one I was able to turn to for advice or support at his age and not wanting him to feel the same.