Talking To Your Children About Ptsd

[Britt.f7]

Okay, I haven't told my children, age 14 & 17 about the PTSD, since the flashbacks are usually when I have sex and no teen wants to hear about that from his mother. Both boys. They do, however, know and understand about my depression and have since they were little boys because I tried to explain it over the years in language they could understand. The main message being that they are not the cause of it and there is nothing they did, to cause it. Last year they dealt with their mom being hospitalized. I have to say I was surprised that they wanted to come and visit. They didn't ask me much about it.

Now, that all being said, I did tell them, without a lot of graphics, about three of the traumas of my life when they were young teens. Since one of the traumas involved a group of boys about their age, I felt the need to tell them. What those boys did to me they thought it was funny. I explained how it wasn't for me, but I didn't explain all the consequences of their actions(like the sex). My boys were too young for that. I think it was difficult for them to hear, and a bit difficult(thankfully) to understand why people would do that. Maybe it helped them understand their mother better. Both of them know I am not a huggy type mother. One is more like me in that department, the other continues to hug(which I appreciate). I thought I would have a difficult time when they went through those ages of the boys that attacked me. I think talking about it helped.

My 17 year old doesn't ask many questions. He keeps many things to himself, but knows he can come to me and I will be straight with him. My 14 year old is a curious but rather matter of fact type of child. I think you know how your child would react, for the most part. Sometimes I think it is good for them to know that not every adult is perfect, but that we have the strength to get help.

 

[digger]

Sometimes I think it is good for them to know that not every adult is perfect

Definitely. I'm a big fan of not expecting perfect from children or adults. It's unrealistic and sets them up unfairly to fail.

 

[eav]

I have only told my teenagers that I have PTSD and am in therapy, I haven't told them why or explained much. The reasons are pretty awful, and I don't want them to have that picture of me in their heads, they seem to think that the PTSD stems from my family experiences, which is partially true. They have not asked any questions about PTSD or what happened. I constantly struggle with whether I am telling them enough. I noticed my daughter listening in as I talked with a friend about EMDR, which only leads me to believe that I'm not talking directly with the kids enough.

I can't even tell my husband everything that happened, I just don't have the words for it. And even if I did, I wouldn't want him to think of me like that. He knows some things that happened, and is shocked--I'm afraid the full truth would be too much.

 

[Eleanor]

Sorry, didn't mean "return to tell" but "which truth to tell." :whistling:

It is not a one size fits all world. The best way forward depends on figuring out what you and your boy both need. Don't despair, there are lots of options.

Thankfully, there are points given for effort in parenting.

 

[Candleflames]

So I have three kids, the oldest of which is 15 and the youngest is eight. All three of my kids know I have PTSD. It's not something I am able to hide from them. They have witnessed a couple of severe panic attack. Though I do minimize the symptoms I can around them. While my diagnosis has been fairly recent my older two children have known for a while that their mommy isn't like the other mommies. My daughter will be noticing that pretty soon. Kids are pretty astute and really want to make us happy so don't let us know quite how much they know.

I never sat down with them to explain it all. The explanations just kind of happened in little increments when something around us became a talking point that led to a deeper discussion. It started with grandparents. Other kids have them and go over there and stay for visits and mine don't. So I explained to them that not everyone is safe to be with. They know now that I grew up in a violent household and had been abused. That turned into a conversation about what kids can do if their friend is in that kind of a situation. I never gave them any details of my abuse. They just know that I was hit and that's all they need to know.

So when I got the diagnosis it was a little easier to talk to them. We talked about what it meant, what they could expect to see or hear and that this is something that we as a whole family can help each other deal with. I told them that this in no way meant that they would need to take care of me, that it is my job to take care of them and that I may just need some help to do that for a little while. I have a few good friends that have stepped up and done just that, too. I also told them that at some point having a mom with a mental illness could be difficult for them and that they may want to talk to a therapist to help them sort out how they feel. My 15 year old is wanting this option now.

I have a friend with Multiple Sclerosis and this is very similar to how she has approaches discussing her illness with her children. When I was diagnosed I went to her for advice.

I just wanted to add that kids know when something is off. They may not know exactly what and they probably won't say anything for fear of rocking the boat, but they can tell. They will also fill in the blanks when we don't talk to them about what is going on. Your therapist is going to be a good resource for how you can tailor a conversation starter that fits with yours and your son's communication style.