Teaching self safety?

[Earthcuddledragon]

I don't know where to put this, sorry.
I think I'm having a flashback for the past day or so? where I feel things from back when my grandparents first got custody. Whether or not it is, I'm supposed to be able to comfort the inner child stuff, but I'm not sure how. It's this sense of there not being any safety, I don't understand how to counter it.
My therapist talked me through it initially with an example but I don't remember what it was... really need it now

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Whatever you do or say to your inner little do it as an adult and tell your inner child that it is now safe and do some self comforting things for yourself so that you may actually feel a little more secure and better.

I am still new at having my own little and I am slowly finding my way. I live alone so I am free to do whatever I want without being afraid of upsetting someone around me.

Are you able to discuss more of what was going on back then when you were small or not?

 

[Justmehere]

Flashbacks are when someone relives the past as if it is really happening now. You may not be having a full on flashback. What you are describing sounds more like an intrusive memory with the thoughts and feelings that come with it.

To comfort the inner child - think about what would you do or help a child do they were feeling the feelings you have now.

I get times where I feel the feelings of being a like small kid who is upset. So I’ll grab a blanket and wrap up in it or go be with friends who are safe. Or I’ll remind myself the door is locked or how I can get help of danger happens. Sometimes it’s physical comfort like drinking warm tea.

What your therapist might be getting at is to do things that would help a child feel safe. It’s tough to do when the feelings are strong, but it can be very effective.

Other times, when this kind of stuff comes up for me, I just can’t do the self comfort stuff, so I’ll ground instead. The feelings are about the past, and grounding brings someone to the right here right now, and this can lower the feelings from the past. Some common grounding techniques: mindfulness, strong safe sensations like eating mint candy or holding ice, or physical exercise.

 

[Earthcuddledragon]

When I was small was more a lack of what happened, no one took care of me usually (exception of grandparents having me for a week/month) though there was shelter around and I think there usually was food. I think acknowledging that when I was younger I wasn't just making stuff up for attention helps a bit.
I don't know if this would be just a response to an intrusive memory or what, but yesterday I would be in and out of a really old thing I would do when overwhelmed, I don't remember it much except startling back out of it. I know it's basically a different world, and going between leaves me really confused at which is which. I don't know what that would even be called, I've never heard of anyone else doing that. Usually it's only after I have a series of nightmares but yesterday was the middle of the day. It was several cycles later I finally found a way to ground, still extremely upset from what started it though. Hopefully I can use enough self care today that it doesn't repeat, it feels like it's gonna start again.

 

[EveHarrington]

How old is your inner child?

What would you say to and do to make a child that age feel safe?

 

[Friday]

It's this sense of there not being any safety, I don't understand how to counter it.

IMO there’s no such thing. Safety is a feeling, not a reality.

So what drives the feeling?

I used the example, recently, on why all my alarms go off when there are dead cars on the side of the road. (Ambush). How do I counter that? >>> WHERE am I? If I’m in certain parts of the world my alarm bells SHOULD be going off. Okay. Am I in any of those places? <<< That’s the counter.

When you don’t feel safe? Ask yourself why.
And then follow up with the next piece.

Dead car on the side of the road! :eek:
Why?
Ambush, roadblocks, K&R.
Where am I?
Kansas.
Are any of those things likely, in Kansas?
No.
Okay, then. We’re probably safe. From the dead car.

Essentially, you tease out the foundation of the emotion & the logic that counters it... because emotions don’t logic so hot, it often has to be done manually. It’s a kind of reality checking.

To be honest... raising a toddler is what helped with ^^^ the most. Because you’re CONSTANTLY breaking down what’s safe, and what’s not, and what to do, and what not to do... 10,000 times a day. Repetition is KEY, because they’re learning. Why is one street safe, and another not? What do you do, when, where, why, how? Over and over and over and over. That’s the normal way people learn brand spanking new things. Whether they’re 2 or 20. (Ever taken a foreign language? That level of brand new. It’s not a hear it once and understand completely. It’s 10,000 kinds of repetition. And that’s right/normal. Expect ANYTHING new to take a lot of repetition.) Breaking things down so my toddler could understand them? Taught me to break things down so *I* could understand them.

 

[Ann Barry]

When I was small was more a lack of what happened, no one took care of me usually (exception...

Writing this "Neglect IS Abuse" was mostly enjoyable Therapy for me today. Challenging self-expression + Social sharing.
Most of it I wrote in a new, spiral notebook that I'll fine tune in coming days just as a sort of project for my rusty, dusty self.

Some people don't agree that Neglect IS another form of serious abuse. It can be life changing & life threatening. Failure to Thrive is
the example of the most extreme neglect: Death.

Attachment injury creates a cracked foundation: an unstable launching pad for future flight-of-life. The younger, the more fragile the base. Being vulnerable because one started developing on an earthquake's fault line -versus- Being resilient via secure attachment. could be
the deciding factor on a future event causing PTSD or not. Perhaps CPTSD takes root from a sterile, but stable & silent, but stressful home.
Some will disagree, strongly. I know. This is my opinion only.

I believe that a big part of WHY some neglect-abuse victims are/have been DENIED the accurate DIAGNOSIS of PTSD by some "experts"
and disrespectfully dismissed by some fellow "sufferers" is because the histories aren't nasty enough and/or the memories aren't disturbing enough: Symptoms just aren't meaty enough like real abuse of real victims who have been indisputably Traumatized.

Not being seen, heard, held, valued, welcomed or attended to is Neglect Abuse, an insidious rejection & abandonment. Pieces of the brain don't form, connect, strengthen. Brain blanks. Soul holes. Malnourishment.

What can a neglected child feel, become? Empty. Lonely. Numb. Shy. withdrawn Introvert, sort of Invisible-mute. kind of ghost/Zombie. Depressed {sad, grieved} Confused. Anxious {fear-filled}. Clumsy, Clingy. Hypervigilant. Guarded. Insecure. Defensive. Shame-based. Masked pretender. A human doing {vs a human being}. Egocentric. Identity Disordered. Character Disordered .Deprived. Impatient, Impulsive. Rebellious. Daring. Angry. Desperate. Drinker. Drugger. Gambler. Shopper. Codependent. Love Addict. An Adult Child.

Somebody less than whole/healthy with few tools/skills to meet life's demands in our complex world. Prime prey for deception, domination intimidation, manipulation, A pre-victim of abuse, probably. Somebody with limited & deformed capacity for well-discerned commitments, mutually satisfying intimacy who will most likely exist with a never-ending, hunger for someone/anyone or something/anything to fill the void, to bring light, warmth into the bottomless pit, to often provide abundant deposits of attention, affection, validation to the sick & starving Soul
and to end the constant craving.

Determined desire for recovery, Time & talk to nourish that lost, lonely little girl of long ago, Writing positive affirmations every single day,
{not located yet} qualified, engaged Therapist, Support from a Few & this Forum plus for me, the grace-filled Guidance from good, mighty
God above - all blended & balanced, taken step by step, by step - I Believe can bring this kind of old, not frozen, but bone-chilled cold,
mostly immobilized, pack-a-day stale smoking, stinking-thinking, none too groomed, unexercised showing lumy/bumpy, flabby/fatty when
I must glimpse in the mirror. unscheduled, disorganized among the time-to-get-rid-of clutter, eating too much bread & peanut butter self out
of this state of apathetic fog - Instead, looking, walking & really wanting the better, brighter, warmer place & season in this life I have...
...to do what I can with what I have.. then...finish well - how sweet.

"Constant Craving", song by K.D. Lang.
Book "Running On Empty" & YouTube webinars by Jonice Webb

 

[Earthcuddledragon]

I guess that could be why I get upset when I can't have food, I stopped growing correctly around 4.
There are so many things that cause me to not feel safe, but generally I don't know what it was till hours or days later, this was an exception as something specific provoked it. The lack of feeling safe can also be so vague that I don't realise it's causing my anxiety that time.
I don't think there's a way for me to know an age since it changes, it's been from 3-8 so far. Those ages are really different with how you handle things maturity wise... I don't have any idea what a kid is supposed to have growing up, my gmom gets upset over a time she remembers when visiting where I would get frozen veggies from the freezer (as a 3 year old) and not try to ask anyone for food? I think it's the fact that I didn't expect anyone to help me when I was hungry, but it's not a good thing or something.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

when visiting where I would get frozen veggies from the freezer (as a 3 year old) and not try to ask anyone for food? I think it's the fact that I didn't expect anyone to help me when I was hungry, but it's not a good thing or something.

I think that is extreme horrible neglect of a tiny child at age three. I am so sorry that you went through times of such deep hunger back then.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Ann Barry]

I guess that could be why I get upset when I can't have food, I stopped growing correctly aro...

Such severe Neglect PLUS in your early life! I'm feeling SAD for You & MAD at your Abuser{s]/Neglectors.
Just sent up a quick prayer for you. I wish you peace.