General Telling Her Family

[SammyKline]

My partner, who suffers from chronic ptsd, has never told her family about her condition, nor about the attack that led to her condition. She insists that her father, who already lost his wife to cancer, must never learn about her attack as this would be too painful for him to endure.

She is adamant. Meanwhile, as far as I can tell her condition is worsening, her treatments are not working, and I am feeling more and more (with substantial evidence) that there is a real possibility for a disaster in the not too distant future. She has recurrent panic attacks, gets hurt on a regular basis, from falling, and goes through cycles of increasingly risky behavior.

One the one hand i feel that I cannot betray her and go behind her back to tell her dad or brother. On the other hand i am convined that one of the main impediments to her healing is that her family is not able to come together to give her support since they do not have any idea what has been going on for so many years. I am the only person she has ever confided in her whole story, and therefore i feel a tremendous burden to do the right thing. I am torn right down my middle.

I would be tremendously grateful for any advice from people who are facing or have faced similar situations.

If something really awful happened to her, in adittion to becoming even further heartbroken I would be besides myself with guilt for not having informed her family of the situation when it is my instinct that healing cannot begin without the family support.

please help me

 

[Luthien]

I know this is a rather late reply, but I thought I would contribute my thoughts on the matter.

I know you are thinking of her best interests, and you may be right that her family needs to know about this, but you really should not go behind her back to tell them about her attack and PTSD if she doesn't want them to know.

It is her decision to make, and if you were to this, she may view it as a huge betrayal. (Something that may be a severe trigger)

She may say that she is protecting them by not opening up to them about her attack, and the PTSD that resulted, but there may be other reasons as well.

I really advise against going behind her back. If you feel so strongly that her family needs to know in order for her to heal, then you should tell her this and tell her why you feel that way. If after this conversation she still chooses not to tell them, it really is her choice and it is not in your hands.

I don't ever recommend betraying her that way...you have PTSD as well, and know that a sufferer can view things in a very odd way...It just spells danger for me, what you suggest.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sammy, you know what comes to mind reading your post?

She knows her family the best -they may not be able to support her or understand in the way that you hope. I can understand that as I am in the same situation.
You know best if it's just a question of "protecting them" or an underlying knowledge on her part of what to expect.

Then again, you mention "your instincts" tell you this; perhaps with some time, your support, therapy another "option" will unfold for you both. Perhaps there will come a "redefinition of family"; that is, the presence of "others" who can contribute to that role. Or, perhaps it can be "framed" to one of her family members (her initiating it, I mean) as something more easily understandable that they may be more familiar with, such as "depression". I've heard some people say that worked for them.

The one thing you don't want to do is risk damaging her speaking openly to you- I am sure that is her greatest help now.

But similarly you must take care of yourself to help both of you.

I'm sorry, it must be a terrible burden to weigh on your mind.
My best wishes to you both.

 

[SammyKline]

well i am reluctant to tell and of course do not want to go behind her back.

the only reason i would is if it would save her life. that is it.

she has been engaging in very risky behavior, at times even prompting or teasing further abuse and even death (mostly before our relationship, but to some extent, during as well, just not while i am around)

there are strong signs abound that she could actually die from one of these aftereffects, and this is why i would risk even her never speaking to me again if it would help her. i know it would destroy her trust in me.

there are also special circumstances here that i cannot post about. several.

the last thing i ever want to do is hurt her...

YET.. what if she really DOES die or becomes further abused or permanently damaged and i had the foresight to prevent it?

because i can see some very dark outcomes based on her pattern..


think about this (this is not factual, just a metaphor to get you thinking about what is going on..)

we have a beautiful girl, small frame, multiple abuse survivor, alone, on a lonely road, late at night, she is tipsy, short skirt, hitchhiking, again and again...

this is happening, but in other ways.

eventually her luck will run out.

and if/when this happens both she and her family, and I, will be destroyed.

 

[SammyKline]

i should add that when she engages in risky behavior there is serious disassociation going on, and she refuses medication so her symptoms are severe, she faints frequently, has frequent attacks that go on and on, she has been picked up off the street multiple times, by strangers. she lives in midtown Manhattan and always on the subway. she does not have a lot of money and cannot pay for cabs, even when she is having an attack out and about.

 

[kers]

It sounds as though yu have lost faith in her treatment team. Have you tried sitting down with her and the therapist/doctor in order to discuss your concerns?

Just in my opinion, if someone told my family what was going on with me, I would lose trust in the person forever. Yes, perhaps it would be better for my family to know, but I am not willing to expose myself in that way. It's my choice. Particularly when someone has been abused or assaulted, choices and control have been taken away from them. Telling her family without her permission would be taking her control away. Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her about how you feel and what your concerns are.

 

[A-RON]

Sammy,

From a guys perspective, I would actually have to agree with Luthien, Junebug, and Kers. In fact, I strongly agree with them.

Telling her family could create major problems. You WILL lose the relationship if you tell them, and it won't be in a self-sacrificial, loving way. It might seem like the difference between logical decision-making and emotional decision-making, but I promise the emotional decision is the most logical in this situation. There are too many unknowns and variables that could make your self-sacrifice a vain attempt at fixing the problem.

If you love her so much that you would be willing to betray her trust, there's something wrong with the picture. Talk to her about it, and tell her exactly why you are concerned, and tell her how you feel about it. If you don't know why she wants it to be a secret, ask her. If she doesn't want to tell you, don't push it, and only talk to her family if you first get her permission. Maybe that's all it would take? Permission.

Also, maybe you don't know the whole story? Don't be offended if she doesn't completely open up to you.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I hope you will take the advice that four people now have told you on this thread. I really think it's the right answer. And I'm sorry if none of us have taken YOUR feelings into account here, but it really is about what's best for your partner, correct?

Take care,
Aaron

 

[SammyKline]

yes, as I said - its a difficult situation, but I cant go behind her back, one way or the other it feels wrong, but thanks everyone for helping to confirm this for me - you're really a huge help. sk

 

[A-RON]

Hey Sammy,

I'm really sorry for having been so pushy and harsh with my last comment. I really didn't mean to be on the offense. On a seperate unrelated note, I'm glad to hear you came to a good conclusion about it.

A

 

[becvan]

Risky behaviour is a very common aspect of uncontrolled PTSD. I have partaken in it, more times than I care to admit, myself.

You can not stop her, prevent it or anything else. Only she can. I'm sorry but this is simply out of your control at this point.

The suggestion of speaking to her and possibly with her and her therapist are really really good suggestions. I would not go anywhere near speaking to anyone about her PTSD without her permission if you want to be a support to her.

Hang in there.

bec