Telling Too Much, Too Soon.

[Philippa]

Anyway, I realise I can be a bit reckless and impulsive at times, and this is a dangerous way to be. I'm not sure why I am this way? I think I just get bored and as I don't have many friend and it takes so damn long to make close good friends, and haven't had much luck with that in this city, as everyone is more concerned with getting wasted and high than making close connections, it can be hard to find people who aren't drinking or on drugs to have fun with. I do know some people and hung out with them for a while, and that was ok but I got bored. I've spent so much time on my own specifically to avoid the drug lifestyle I was once a part of but it's been years since I've had any real friends, and it gets pretty lonely after a while. Sometimes I just want to get drunk and party too.

 

[Seagreen]

You said you have a habit of telling too much too soon. So do you feel it is a problem for you?

I dont think there is necessarily any shame it but there could be consequences you should at least be aware of.

It's difficult to make a good judgement of character just hours after meeting someone. You are putting yourself in a vulnerable position by sharing these details about your life. Some people would be ready to take advantage of knowing such intimate and sensitive information about another. If you say you do this often, you are at Increased risk. You also you don't know if they will then go on to tell others.

When you feel you need to talk about these things can you do so with your councillor instead? At least you have the protection of client confidentiality.

 

[Philippa]

You said you have a habit of telling too much too soon. So do you feel it is a problem for you?

Well, it hasn't had any bad consequences so far...at least not to my knowledge. I can see the potential for it to though. I don't think what happened has been too much of a problem...more just made boundaries a bit messy between us, and that might cause some trouble unless I speak to him about it, which I intend to do tomorrow when I visit to pay him back for petrol and food and other stuff he shouted me while I was there.

Some people would be ready to take advantage of knowing such intimate and sensitive information about another.

Thanks. Yes, I'm aware it isn't the wisest thing to do and I am trying to learn why I am ignoring my instincts and choosing to take these risks, knowing that there are consequences? I wouldn't say I do it that often, but sometimes I do and it's usually when I feel comfortable with the person, or like I can speak to them about things...especially when they start sharing things about themselves that make me feel that way, as in this case.

For the record, I did not share details of my life with him hours after we met. I shared stuff with him a week later at a party he drove us both to, and had spent hours in a car conversing with him, talking about all sorts of things and learning about how his minds works, and vice versa.

You also you don't know if they will then go on to tell others.

Yes, this is true.

I also don't know any of the people he knows that well, so would it really matter if he did?

We got along quite well and I felt somewhat safe around him. He was nothing but respectful towards me the entire time I was with him at the party, but he is the one who shared personal stuff with me hours after us meeting. If it turns out that he does share the information I shared with him with his friend then I will speak to him about it and it will be my own responsability.

He's a very responsible person and even called me out on throwing my cigarette butt out the window during the drive. He spent a lot of the time at the party picking up everyone elses cigarete butts and beer cans as well, and we didn't leave when we were meant to because he wanted to help clean the entire place up for his friend, who's property it is.

 

[Philippa]

I did read on a forum just before, a young woman had written a thread basically saying she was behaving in a reckless manner and being impulsive, in much the same way as I have been, and a couple of people suggested it was because she was feeling angry, lonely and being self destructive.

I definitely have been feeling lonely lately. Angry, I'm not so sure, but it's possible I am responding to feeling hurt from the rejection of someone I thought was a friend recently...as ms spock spoke about earlier? I'm not too sure, but it's certainly a worry.

 

[Philippa]

I just read over my original post and I just wanted to clarify to the people who responded initially that I was speaking about my blood relative brother being on ice...not the guy I was over sharing with! I couldn't work out why some of you were hinting towards him being on ice, but now it makes sense.

He was way too healthy looking to be an ice head. My brother on the other hand...it's quite possible he was on ice when he made that perverse proposal to me years ago? I still don't know and I don't think he'd be sharing that with me at this point.

 

[Seagreen]

I am trying to learn why I am ignoring my instincts and choosing to take these risks, knowing that there are consequences?

This is something you might have to figure out for yourself. I guess there are a lot of possible reasons. Alcohol can be a big contributor in over sharing for some people.

Does it matter if he tells anyone else? Thats up to you. Do you wish to start a relationship with him? If you do, would it be an issue if he had told anyone else.

Its difficult to learn boundries if you dont already have a clear understanding. Something ive struggled with. For most people they seem to be automatic.

 

[Seagreen]

Oops... lost a second quote after the first paragraph. Hope it still makes sense.

 

[Philippa]

Well, I had clear understanding of my boundaries when I was younger, but my trauma occurred when I was around 17 and then further traumas unfolded after that, which slowly eroded whatever sense of self I'd managed to have up until then. In a way I am re learning how to keep my boundaries strong and safe. I had much trouble finding my voice to speak up for a long time, when someone was violating mine. Yes, now I am quite envious of people who can protect their boundaries fiercely and am working towards getting to that point with my own.

Alcohol was definitely a pivotal factor in this story. I'd like to get to know him better, and enjoy his company, so I guess if he does like me enough he will keep what I shared with him to himself...and if he decides to share it with his people, then I guess he didn't like me that much. Can't really know until things unfold some more...

Thankyou for your input and time helping me with his seagreen. Much appreciated. I think I understand more about how I ended up in this place, and what I need to do to get back to not avoiding looking at my stuff. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Philippa,
I think that @Ms Spock was just trying to help you. She was showing genuine concern for you and pointing out areas where you could possibly improve, but you ended up being very defensive. You do in fact have a pattern set up here that isn't healthy. I'm very much aware that alcohol (and to a lesser extent, drugs) are very much a part of the social fabric, but I think that you're accepting such people with the excuse "I just want to have a good time." Well, the truth is that you've gotten yourself into sticky situations in the past, so maybe try and find people who don't drink and do drugs?

Which leads me to this.....if you don't want help, then why are you asking for help? If you don't want the truth, which is pretty much what we give here (as we see it), then you could just as easily post on one of those forums that coddles you and tells you what you want to hear. I honestly hope that you seriously take in what @Ms Spock has said as there is a lot of truth in there. Instead of brushing it off and ignoring her advice because you just want to have fun, realize that these guys may STILL not be "good guys". You cannot.....I mean can NOT.....assess someone's character over just a few hours. How many times have we heard "oh he was a great guy.....UNTIL we got married and then the abuse started!" Too many times to count.

So while I applaud you for trusting your gut, its time to put your brain into gear. That means not going back to some guys house that you don't know in the middle of the night while they drink and do drugs (or are on drugs) because you want to have a good time and your gut says they are ok. Yes, this time it turned out OK, but what about next time?

Honestly, I can pick out a number of PTSD forum members alone who put themselves into bad situations and come back time after time to post yet another trauma. No, I'm not victim blaming, but they put themselves into bad situations where trauma is more likely to occur. Think with your brain and don't just go with your gut because someone is treating you well. All it takes is ONE little thing to go wrong and you could regret it for the rest of your life. (ie what if another guy dropped by the house that night and was messed up out of his mind? You could have easily been hurt.)

People aren't trying to take away your fun, rather trying to tell you to stay safe. You may have the intuition thing working for you, but the common sense part of your brain needs to kick it into high gear.

 

[Philippa]

I didn't ignore her advice, at all. I have taken it in and I recognise the truth in it, even as I replied in a reactive way.

I felt triggered by the amount of questions that were being thrown at me, that's all. It felt like I was being lectured, but as I acknowledged in my post to ms spock, I do recognise that ms spock was concerned for me, and I appreciate that. I'm allowed to not react so well to being interrogated, or feeling interrogated though, aren't I?

I'm aware that it's not safe behaviour. I didn't need a lecture on it...I asked for help understanding it. I realise I was very lucky this time and want to be more of a friend to myself, but it isn't easy when I have one side of me creeping up and acting out in self destructive ways and be my worst enemy, while the other side is trying hard to be my best friend.

It's also very common for people with PTSD to act out in reckless ways so having someone come down on me about it, even if they are concerned felt somewhat judgy, which isn't helpful. Obviously it isn't good behaviour, and obviously I'd like to not do it and recognise the potential for harm there...it doesn't seem to be stopping me though...does it.

As I was just saying to someone in conversation private chat, I seem to vacillate between being too sensible and outrageously reckless...I don't know why. I am usually the one who does act from common sense...just not lately. I'm self destructive lately. Is your brain always kicked into high gear? Is ms spocks? I venture to guess that we all behave in reckless ways from time to time.

 

[Philippa]

"if you don't want help, then why are you asking for help? "

The help I was asking for was related to telling too much about myself, too soon...like the title of the thread said. I did not actually ask for any help in regards to my clearly reckless behaviour. I have not mentioned half of what reckless shit I get up to here, for obvious reasons. I'm the first to point out when people are putting themselves in dangerous situations, and I sometimes find myself doing the exact same thing. It's a common thing with PTSD survivors. I'm sure none of us need the memo.

Obviously I need to be more safe when I go out and not drink or take drugs if it is going to loosen my boundaries to such a degree, or anyone elses around me. It is very hard to find people in my town who are not on drugs and drinking constantly though, so am I supposed to just sit at home for the rest of my life? I made a risky decision and it turned out to be ok.

Does that make it smart...no. Did I ask for anyones opinion about this...no. Ms spock expressed her concern after red flags went up for her in my OP but I was not specifically focussing on that part of the story when asking for help.

Of course it occurred to me that I might have gotten hurt if they weren't safe men to be around. My feeling was that they were safe to be around, and if I hadn't have felt so comfortable around them, I would not have gone in the first place, just as I'm sure they would not have brought the housemates suicide up around me if they did not feel comfortable in my presence doing so.

I wasn't drunk when I went with them. I'd had one or two drinks and some food. The boundary lapse was a red flag, and I could have spoken up at the time and said something, but I didn't, so I'm responsible for letting myself get dragged into that one.

 

[ms spock]

I didn't ignore her advice, at all. I have taken it in and I recognise the truth in it, even as I replied in a reactive way.

We have all posted from a reactive place from time to time. And better to be honest and process your true feelings about what is said. You get to the next stage sooner rather than later.

I did not come back and reply because I did not want to escalate the feelings. I did not mean to interrogate, I may have been too hard, I can be sometimes. But better having an uncomfortable moment online, rather than the potential serious real life consequences.

Thanks for your PM.