Temporarily adopting identity

[shimmerz]

if your parents didn’t support and nurture you then you aligned yourself with the rules instead of with relationships. When you align with the rules you are constantly checking by the behavior of those around you if you are on track. If you notice someone “aligning” with you when you didn’t consciously choose to align with them then you might either believe you have a mystical connection with them (opening yourself up to vulnerability) or believe they are trying to control you (closing yourself off due to perceived danger). Probably neither are true, but the hypervigilance leads you into that mental conflict.

This is brilliant, actually. I hadn't thought to put the descriptor of hypervigilence to it, but it does feel like what you have described. Thanks for this. It helps me quite a bit.

 

[Draiocht]

I don't know if this is what you mean but I find myself overwhelmed by other people's identities. My way of managing that anxiety is all centered around breathing. If I am looking at someone I dislike I have to hold my breath so I don't breathe their 'essence' in. This can happen in real life or on tv/film, and it also happens when people walk past me, or if they are walking in a line with me. I have to breathe out heavily or hold my breath or I feel like they are invading me. I used to get this with people touching me as well. As in if someone in a crowd brushed past me, or if my parents touched my shoulder, etc. It felt almost cold and I would have to rub my hand over the place they touched and wipe it on an inanimate object.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I´ve been avoiding this due to the chaos (moving and such), but some good points were made - let me see if I can catch up. If I can´t I will leave it for the moment and come back later.

I´m aware of mirroring, but it´s true what @Searching4Self wrote - there is a great deal of hyper-vigilance involved. I am constantly aware of the mirroring - the very subtle details that I aspect "normal" (ahem) people aren´t aware of. All their mannerisms, all their gestures, the way they gaze, the way they walk.

If I am looking at someone I dislike I have to hold my breath so I don't breathe their 'essence' in. This can happen in real life or on tv/film, and it also happens when people walk past me, or if they are walking in a line with me.

I can really relate to this. I don´t do this exact same thing, but as I wrote, there are a lot of small behaviors I have to "cope" with the sense that I´m being overwhelmed/overshadowed by someone else´s identity. In my case it extends to smells people have (perfumes, cooking smells, detergent smells, even exhaust fumes). I feel as though those scents somehow "carry them" and I don´t want to breathe in.

My response is usually do to the complete opposite (stop walking, walk in the opposing direction, cover my nose against the smell, burn some incense) so I suspect I am not wanting to get "in line" with them, but rather I feel as though getting in line blurs the boundaries between my identity and theirs. I also feel (perhaps this is not true) that a lot of people do not have a very clear defined identity in relation to society.

By which I mean that they are not aware of their own mirroring behaviors, maybe certain instincts (like buying products that others are buying) and therefore are losing touch with their own identity. Which I find kind of terrifying. If there´s anything in life I learned, is you need a strong identity to survive. Maybe some people do not, but it´s beyond my comprehension.

Perhaps (and I´m just taking a wild guess here) this is my response to having been dangerously close to destructive identity disorder. I want my personality to be completely mine, coming from me (action from me, reaction from others), rather than being a reaction to the behavior of others (mirroring). I hope I´m not rambling. It´s late and I´m really kind of tired.

 

[Rose White]

I also feel...that a lot of people do not have a very clear defined identity...they are not aware of their own mirroring

This resonates with me so much. I am becoming aware of this situation in my own relationship.

I realized today how in the past being unaware of my hypervigilance toward my self had led me to grossly overcompensate for others’ shortcomings. Basically people used me and I didn’t realize I was letting them.

It is scary to interact with people who are unaware that they are only reacting to behavior around them. I think I have to hide my true self around such people.

You are helping me validate how important it is to protect my self, my identity—I hadn’t ever thought of it as identity. Are they synonymous—self and identity? I guess it depends on how you define them but they seem pretty similar.

I want my personality to be completely mine, coming from me...rather than being a reaction to the behavior of others

Sounds like you know how to make it yours and you know how to protect it from the world of people around you. That sounds healthy!

But from your original post it seems like you are feeling burdened by the efforts you are putting forth to protect your identity.

Have you tried meditation? I’m using the Headspace app and it seems to help with getting space between my self and others.

It is very empowering to read how much awareness you have of your identity and the fierce protective energy that you shield it with.