DiamondBug
Bronze Member
I am going on my first holiday with my boyfriend, it's also my first holiday abroad in years and my first proper holiday without my parents. I'm really excited but at the same time absolutely dreading it.
My parents (mum and stepdad) regularly used to attempt suicide on holiday, from when I was around 9 to around 16, I sometimes used to wake up to them leaving me to go and do it. I'd be terrified that my parents were trying to kill themselves and they were leaving me in a foreign country alone. I'd not sleep, then be inconsolable when I'd wake up finding them ready to walk into the ocean with all their clothes on or doing any of the other plans they made. Sometimes just one of my parents would go missing on holiday, I'd call them begging them to come home and they'd just hang up on me and saying they'd be gone soon, etc. It was beyond traumatic for me. It made me feel uncredibly unsafe. I can't describe the desperation of trying to convince your
parents not to kill themselves, especially when at the time my efforts seemed so futile. My mum tried to killl herself at home as well but my step dad only really did it on holiday.
I will mention I did attempt suicide once when I was 11 after I was gang raped and tortured. Even though I still suicidal thoughts probably about twice a week, I can safely say I'm sure I won't attempt again, I really fought to survive, if I kill myself now, I could've just let myself slip away after I'd been attacked for hours and left for dead, I wasn't willing to die then so I'm not now. I feel really strongly about this. So there's not a risk for me copying my parents actions.
I'm just so scared of my boyfriend leaving me alone in a foreign country, I am certain he wouldn't, but it's just my past experiences of holidays have been awful. I'm worried I won't be able to sleep, because of the fear. I'm so scared that yet again I'm going to be hurt. The thought of turning around and him not being there and losing him on holiday even for 10 minutes makes me feel physically sick. I don't know whether this also has something to do with the fact about a year after my mum and dad split up, my dad and sister (aged11) went "on holiday" when I was 9 and they never came back, they relocated hundreds of miles away without a goodbye, my mum kept up they were on holiday for months until I realised they weren't coming back, I saw them again but not much.
There's something else I'm really worrying about and that is it may sound childish but I sleep with a teddy every night (I call him Geoff), if I don't have him I'll clamp my jaw and grind my teeth, which hurts a lot. I nightmare most nights but Geoff helps me if I wake up panicking and I can normally calm down enough to sleep again. He's too big and precious to me to risk taking him with me. I don't actually know how I'm going to sleep with no Geoff and the heightened anxiety of being in a strange country. I have been looking for a small teddy that I can take instead of Geoff, but it's so hard because no teddy means the same as he does.
Any advise on how to actually be able to enjoy my holiday, without being painfully on edge? I am really upset because I want to enjoy it, it's somewhere I've wanted to visit for years, it's just I don't know how I'm going to react and cope!?
My parents (mum and stepdad) regularly used to attempt suicide on holiday, from when I was around 9 to around 16, I sometimes used to wake up to them leaving me to go and do it. I'd be terrified that my parents were trying to kill themselves and they were leaving me in a foreign country alone. I'd not sleep, then be inconsolable when I'd wake up finding them ready to walk into the ocean with all their clothes on or doing any of the other plans they made. Sometimes just one of my parents would go missing on holiday, I'd call them begging them to come home and they'd just hang up on me and saying they'd be gone soon, etc. It was beyond traumatic for me. It made me feel uncredibly unsafe. I can't describe the desperation of trying to convince your
parents not to kill themselves, especially when at the time my efforts seemed so futile. My mum tried to killl herself at home as well but my step dad only really did it on holiday.
I will mention I did attempt suicide once when I was 11 after I was gang raped and tortured. Even though I still suicidal thoughts probably about twice a week, I can safely say I'm sure I won't attempt again, I really fought to survive, if I kill myself now, I could've just let myself slip away after I'd been attacked for hours and left for dead, I wasn't willing to die then so I'm not now. I feel really strongly about this. So there's not a risk for me copying my parents actions.
I'm just so scared of my boyfriend leaving me alone in a foreign country, I am certain he wouldn't, but it's just my past experiences of holidays have been awful. I'm worried I won't be able to sleep, because of the fear. I'm so scared that yet again I'm going to be hurt. The thought of turning around and him not being there and losing him on holiday even for 10 minutes makes me feel physically sick. I don't know whether this also has something to do with the fact about a year after my mum and dad split up, my dad and sister (aged11) went "on holiday" when I was 9 and they never came back, they relocated hundreds of miles away without a goodbye, my mum kept up they were on holiday for months until I realised they weren't coming back, I saw them again but not much.
There's something else I'm really worrying about and that is it may sound childish but I sleep with a teddy every night (I call him Geoff), if I don't have him I'll clamp my jaw and grind my teeth, which hurts a lot. I nightmare most nights but Geoff helps me if I wake up panicking and I can normally calm down enough to sleep again. He's too big and precious to me to risk taking him with me. I don't actually know how I'm going to sleep with no Geoff and the heightened anxiety of being in a strange country. I have been looking for a small teddy that I can take instead of Geoff, but it's so hard because no teddy means the same as he does.
Any advise on how to actually be able to enjoy my holiday, without being painfully on edge? I am really upset because I want to enjoy it, it's somewhere I've wanted to visit for years, it's just I don't know how I'm going to react and cope!?
