Geopolis
Confident
Hello all,
I'm here because I need to know that people have felt the way I do now and have recovered. After 10 years of clean time, multiple intense rounds of 12 step work, and several therapists I have finally come to terms with the fact that I MUST venture into my childhood emotionally. About a month ago my current (amazing) therapist introduced me to my inner child through guided meditation and I cracked open at the seams. I have been grieving ever since and the sadness is sometimes unbearable.
A quick history:
- Alcoholic childhood household
-Physically abusive/severe isolation
-Emotional abuse/abandonment
-Sexually abused from outside home
-Suicidal ideations/attempts starting at 14
-Addiction kicked off at around 15
At 29 I entered 12 step recovery and began piecing my life back together. By all outward appearances I am a stable married father of 3 who is active in recovery, sponsoring men and emotionally supporting those around me. Inside, I am falling apart. My entire life is spent fending off the deep shame that I carry. I have to force eye contact and I feel like hiding from any possible aggression I could encounter. I feel disgusting, ugly and unlovable.
I understand fully that these are all typical qualities of someone with complex ptsd but im tired of just "knowing" that and moving on with life. I've had it with white knuckling life. My inner child is bursting out without permission now so its time to experience the healing I know I deserve. I have to do this so my children can have a complete and healthy father but it hurts so bad. Currently reading "complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving."
Tldr: Its time to make a decision here. My heart aches and I'm engulfed in shame every second of the day. Looking forward to healing along side everyone here even though this process terrifies me. Thank you for listening!
I'm here because I need to know that people have felt the way I do now and have recovered. After 10 years of clean time, multiple intense rounds of 12 step work, and several therapists I have finally come to terms with the fact that I MUST venture into my childhood emotionally. About a month ago my current (amazing) therapist introduced me to my inner child through guided meditation and I cracked open at the seams. I have been grieving ever since and the sadness is sometimes unbearable.
A quick history:
- Alcoholic childhood household
-Physically abusive/severe isolation
-Emotional abuse/abandonment
-Sexually abused from outside home
-Suicidal ideations/attempts starting at 14
-Addiction kicked off at around 15
At 29 I entered 12 step recovery and began piecing my life back together. By all outward appearances I am a stable married father of 3 who is active in recovery, sponsoring men and emotionally supporting those around me. Inside, I am falling apart. My entire life is spent fending off the deep shame that I carry. I have to force eye contact and I feel like hiding from any possible aggression I could encounter. I feel disgusting, ugly and unlovable.
I understand fully that these are all typical qualities of someone with complex ptsd but im tired of just "knowing" that and moving on with life. I've had it with white knuckling life. My inner child is bursting out without permission now so its time to experience the healing I know I deserve. I have to do this so my children can have a complete and healthy father but it hurts so bad. Currently reading "complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving."
Tldr: Its time to make a decision here. My heart aches and I'm engulfed in shame every second of the day. Looking forward to healing along side everyone here even though this process terrifies me. Thank you for listening!