Terrified of intimacy

[Intimacy]

I had to go pick up two of my friends because they were too drunk and had lost their stuff. One of them is the guy I like. I went to meet them and that guy is all over me. He tries to kiss me, won't let go of my hand, keeps hugging me... He says he loves me.. He kept asking me to kiss him, and I wanted to. But the idea of it just made me feel sick. I couldnt do it. I feel uncomfortable when people touch me.. i was starting to panic. I kept telling him no and he kept insisting. He knows about my childhood sexual abuse; he's one of the person I trust the most. But, he was so drunk and I told him that I have intimacy issues and won't kiss him or "go back to his place."

I really like him, he's one of the most important people in my life.. We kissed before while both very drunk. But when I was sober - the anxiety of being intimate with someome was too much... I am feeling very anxious and I don't know how to face him tomorrow (he passed out on my couch - it would have been to hard to bring him to his place)

I just feel so panicky and am terrified that our friendship is going to be broken. Although I like him, I can't be physical with him.

How did you guys work on that kind off stuff?

 

[Miles2go]

I'm so very sorry to hear what happened to you. This was not your fault, it was his.

First, what your drunken friend did was commit sexual assault - using you for a sexual "fix" with no preamble. Rather disgusting if I may say so - and your reaction to this was totally normal, prudent and healthy. You are not an object to be used. You are a human being, not a "thing" for someone to use then pass out on the couch.

If not having sex with him on demand will break the friendship - I would say let it be broken, move on, and mitigate the damage by terminating the relationship sooner then later.

As far as intimacy in general, I'm no expert, but for sure you need someone that respects you as a person, is willing to respect your boundaries, takes it very slow, stays within your comfort zone, and is willing to STOP when you say NO.

IMO, sounds like your inner "warning bells" are trying to tell you something about this person. Please listen to them :)

 

[FragileGlass]

First, what your drunken friend did was commit sexual assault - using you for a sexual "fix" with no preamble.

You're pushing the sexual assault envelope here a little too much. The OP openly admits they wanted to kiss this person but is dealing with fear of intimate connection. The OP also has some desire for this person but fearful of future. Had this barrier not been a factor this would have been a harmless evening. At no point of the OP's message did I sense the attention was unwanted but rather that they felt Uncomfortable with their ability to be ok.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

You're pushing the sexual assault envelope here a little too much. The OP openly admits they wante...

I agree it wasn't sexual assault........ It was a

 

[EveHarrington]

Friends don't make friends drink tea!

You said no, he kept on insisting.

This is a thousand red flags waving in your face. Maybe even a million.

Any guy who doesn't stop when you say no is not a quality guy to be with.

If you end up with him, you already know that he doesn't take no for an answer and you are risking retraumatization.

Find a guy who knows that no means no regardless of their intoxication level. Find a guy who is 1000% on board with the tea concept and won't make you drink tea just because that's what he wants.

This guy is not your friend.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

It was a stupid drunken thing to do. It happens. Your friend will probably really embrassed.

Its OK to feel the way you are feeling about being intimate... Anyone who wants to be with you... And knows about what happened will understand....

This is something that takes time.... Lots of time.. I know it's hard and really messed up you have to struggle to be intimate. I myself struggle... But with help... It does get better...

 

[Miles2go]

If drunkenness or intoxication were mitigating factors then all types of assault would drop by over 90%

I would admit a gray line here though on the assault. He pushed it way beyond prudent behavior IMO, but ultimately stopped, so point given.

I will stand by dusting the guy off as a potential intimate partner though. It takes lots of time, and it also takes someone who cares enough to help you through it, at a pace that's comfortable for you.

 

[FragileGlass]

The blurred line here is the reason the no is being stated. It's not because it's unwanted, it's because the person has intimacy issues and is uncomfortable and unable to move forward. The original poster is asking how to overcome fear and dislike of intimacy and fearful of losing this connection because of the lack of intimacy. To put it plainly, it appears the OP doesn't want to say no. They want this to be a yes even if this person was drunk.

 

[EveHarrington]

The blurred line here is the reason the no is being stated. It's not because it's unwanted, it's b...

Huh?

No.

No means no means no means no means no.

There is no blurred line due to the meaning of the no.

Of course the OP doesn't want to have these intimacy issues.

The point is that a guy who gets drunk and tries to force her to do things she says no to isn't the kind of guy who is going to help her healing.

BELIEVE ME! I have been there. Now I have a guy who won't EVER make me drink tea that I don't want. It's a world of difference, and unless you have had both kinds of guys, you won't understand where I'm coming from or what I'm saying.

 

[Intimacy]

UPDATES: Thank you for all the replies.

In the morning he had forgotten everything. When I told him about his words and actions, he said he didn't know why he said all that and that he did not in fact like me that way. He even told me not to tell anyone about any of it. His apology was half-hearted. I am really hurt by this. I did, however, tell a few of my closest friends.

It crushed me. He used to be the person I trusted the most and that trust was completely broken. This behavior was out of character for him, so I was ready to just get over it if he did like me. But, that he lied about having feelings for me in the hopes that maybe I would sleep with him is disgusting. I feel used and manipulated. I feel disgusting and gross. I'm upset because I had made so much progress in trusting others because of him, and he just set me back even further than where I had started. He should have known better considering he knows about my past... I am going to avoid him from now on and cut him out of my life as much as possible - we have a lot of friends in common so it's impossible for me to never see him again. But, I can try.

 

[FragileGlass]

UPDATES: Thank you for all the replies.

In the morning he had forgotten everything. When I told him about his words...

I'm sorry this took a turn for the worse and the betrayal it's now going to cause you. I'm glad things didn't progress any further than they could have last night.

Try to be as strong as you can! Protect yourself as much as possible!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You're pushing the sexual assault envelope here a little too much. The OP openly admits they wanted to kiss this person but is dealing with fear of intimate connection.

I kept telling him no and he kept insisting.

I told him that I have intimacy issues and won't kiss him or "go back to his place."

You're pushing the sexual assault envelope here a little too much.

Sexual assault is ANY type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.

Sexual Assault | OVW | Department of Justice