Terrified of intimacy

[Miles2go]

Intimacy, very sorry to hear about the whole mess. Most guys aren't like that, its just that the bad ones seem to make the biggest ripples in the pond. The one thing in your favor here is that you found out at the beginning, and didn't waste a lot of time on someone who was likely to deepen your problems, rather than contribute to the healing.

 

[FragileGlass]

He kept asking me to kiss him, and I wanted to. But the idea of it just made me feel sick. I couldnt do it.

I really like him, he's one of the most important people in my life.. We kissed before while both very drunk

@lostforgottensoul

It really depends on how you read this post and the OP's original question of intimacy. I'm not some mean terrible ogre monster of a male who doesn't get the damage of sexual assault and the meaning of the word no. There was a sense of want and desire but severe discomfort from the OP stemming from her past. While I was offering the benefit of the doubt in this situation. The OP was hurt by his actions because his intentions were misleading which saddens me.

Where I work, it is important to give space before labelling an incident until all the facts come in. The last thing you want to do is lead a potential victim into how they should feel or perceive the situation they were in until they are ready or are able to acknowledge what happened.

 

[EveHarrington]

@lostforgottensoul

It really depends on how you read this post and the OP's o...

it saddens me that there are guys like you who will ignore the word "no" in favor of the meaning behind the "no".

Once the word "no" is spoken, any further action can indeed be labeled as assault/rape/coercion.

It never matters why "no" was said.

You're not part of the solution.

You're part of the problem.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It really depends on how you read this post and the OP's original question of intimacy.

No, not really. I posted what the OP wrote. You are reading into something not there. And wanting it, liking it, having feelings for the person afterwards, wanting to be with the person afterwards (all SUPER common during and after sexual trauma) really does not matter. What matters is they said no and he didn't stop and that is all the matters. That definition I posted said "explicit consent". Not pressured consent, fearful consent, supposed consent, or anything else.

Explicit: stated clearly and in detail, leaving no room for confusion or doubt.

Link Removed

Sorry, she said no, he didn't stop and this was no where near explicit consent. To quickly add, I still long for, think about sexually, imagine myself having sex with, cuddling with, and really wish I could be with my step father forever but that does not mean that what he did was not abusive and torture and other words. It means my mind and body is having a response super normal for the traumatized. Nothing more and nothing less.

 

[NaeNae75]

@lostforgottensoul

It really depends on how you read this post and the OP's o...

He didn't know she liked him....we only do because she opened that up to us. Yes they kissed wehen she was drunk previously, but EVERYTHING she said in the begining was "NO" and she was uncomfortable. No mindreading....plain no. You're running a slippery slope about victim shaming, not anyone else about calling it what it is...harassment.
I've been in situations like this both when I was weaker and after I was stronger... even if you like someone, the situation is very uncomfortable. No HAS to mean no every time, or out leads to this, where someone thinks mindreading makes it maybe okay.... it isn't okay.
She was uncomfortable even before she found out his intentions.... she was uncomfortable in the moment.... I'm really not sure how you missed that.

No one is calling you an ogre, just don't understand that intentions don't matter, the no does....

 

[Miles2go]

Oy. It's really rather simple, not at all complicated.

He HEARD her say no.

He DID NOT hear her thoughts, of liking him.

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I have been in situations like this.
One situation I went to a bar (in college)
Met a guy, danced with him, made out with him. After a few drinks I brought him back to my place and made out some more.
I got triggered though (as I have many times before) and said, "no."
Did I really want to have sex on some level? Yes. Was I even turned on? Yes. But I got triggered due to the fact that I have issues with penetration from child sa.
I said no.
But the guy got pissed. He then changed and there was a look in his eyes. He became angry and pinned me to the bed. He acted entitled and was angry at me because I had indicated to him that sex would happen and then I changed my mind (got triggered).
I was being pinned and I was thinking back to the self defense class I had organized as an RA in the dorms and how I had been pinned by my girl partner (who I am pretty sure was on the rowing team) and how I pretty much sucked at getting out of being pinned.
I knew I was about to be raped.
But then my roommate came home and this snapped the guy out of whatever state he was in.
I then told him, "Get the f*ck out of my apartment." I made him wait out on the curb for his cab.
Another story, similar to this, met a guy at a club, danced, made out brought him back to my place. We made out some more. He wanted to try oral sex, I got triggered, said no.
This guy then said, "Ok, I understand." And I made him some tea and we talked for a couple of hours.
I always blamed myself for that first scenario.
That I was a tease, that I was stupid. But my T says that the second scenario with the understanding guy should be the expected outcome.
So, especially with a history of sa you can want it and not want it. What is important is that you can change your mind.
It is a total red flag for him to insist even drunk. Sure a guy may feel frustrated, but should be showing you complete respect. My husband has dealt with this with me and he actually gets immediately turned off by me saying no, which makes sense.
Honestly, to the OP's question, if you are in a relationship and your partner handles you being triggered with complete respect this actually can help increase the intimacy and safety leading you to work through your triggers and to be able to have sex. Also, therapy can help with sexual triggers.