Sexual Assault Terror In Childhood Sexual Abuse.

[Meadowsweet]

I don't know why this feels so strange. In my adult life, I have chosen sex over violence because I am scared of losing my life (I know it's messed up). So I thought I related terror to violence and to the fear of being killed.

I relate deep shame, guilt, disgust and sickening repulsion to sexual abuse and the fear of going back there. It is horrible and I'm not minimising it at all. But because I've used it to avoid violence as an adult, I never related it to the feeling that I'm dying (terror)

But I began writing out some memories of childhood abuse recently, and for the first time, I've felt the terror of it.

I was too young to know what sex was, so I just felt trapped and didn't know what was happening. And I felt terror.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to describe. It's that moment of panic just before dissociation. A mixture of feeling trapped, terrified and not knowing what's happening.

Have I got the right word? Have other people felt this? I think I'm just looking for reassurance that it's ok maybe.

 

[Venusian]

I wasn't abused at home, it was a stranger abduction when I was a child. I write it out and other people felt the terror when they read it but I couldn't. I felt so detached from it and yet I would have nightmares and feel terrified of something I couldn't recall when I woke up. There were moments and in my mind when I think about it I know I was terrified at the time, it is probably the reason it was thoroughly blocked for so long. Like you, I was too young to know what had happened and there were other things that happened that were totally out of my scope of reality that I didn't understand. I am still coming to terms with knowing what happened and am just now accepting some of the emotions. When I was allowed to go home I just stepped back into normality and no one had a clue that anything happened. No one knew until just less than 2 years ago.

I avoid anger and violence, there have been very few times in my life when I have felt anger and even then it is mixed with terror. I have come to realize that was a direct result of the trauma. It was the only time I had ever felt so much anger directed at me just for being alive. I have never had to experience anything like that as an adult and I hope I never do again.

I think as we heal we can accept the emotions that we felt, we are able to understand and are strong enough for our mind to not keep them from us. Blocking those emotions was a survival strategy we no longer need. At least I hope that is what it means.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you for sharing venusian. I went to therapy today and was able to share what I wrote. But at the moment I'm really struggling with accepting what I'm feeling. So it is reassuring to read your post.

 

[Sweet Girl]

Meadowsweet,

I haven't had to deal with memories for 20 years and I've forgotten what it's like until recently. I experienced a trigger that has brought out the worst memory I ever had, one I never knew about. I was chronically sexually abused by my uncle, starting when I was 6, but this new memory is of someone much closer, I still can't say it aloud, but I will soon.

I went through extensive counseling when I was younger and thought I was healed. Now I know I'm much healthier but not completely healed.

The following is an e-mail I sent to a very dear friend of mine during a major emotional memory last month. I have sent him multiple notes throughout this experience and it's tough for me to go back and read, however, everytime I share I feel a little bit better, with every appt with my therapist I feel better. I realize how much better I am upon reading my notes to my friend and my journal and that is refreshing.

When I read your post, I wanted to share the following with you immediately. I hope it helps and you don't feel so isolated anymore, it helps me to be able to be sharing something that might help someone else, so thank you for listening to me.

The journey feels impossible at times, but healing is possible, memories are temporary and we can and will be okay!

E-mail Subject: I'm Terrified!

"I'm so sorry to keep bothering you. Please don't be upset with me. I'm so grateful to have you as my friend but I'm so afraid of losing you because I am so needy and feel like a freak. I hurt so bad.

It's 4:08 am and I've been up since 2:00. 2:00 am seems to be some magic time. I can't go back to sleep. It's like an intense hyper-alertness, between being in the dark and the windows and doorways (it feels like someone is watching me but I can't see them) all I can do is pray for morning. I can't close my eyes because the only safety I have is my covers. I'm just waiting for something or someone bad to come and kill or torture me, that's what it feels like. It's because I shared my anger, I'm sure of it because It's the first thing I woke up thinking about and I have this deep remorse for sharing it, like I absolutely shouldn't have done that. Now I just want to cry. I think it's because I'm telling you, like a sense of relief that I'm not alone but it doesn't take the terror away.

I pray too. I think I must have done that back then as well, prayed to be left alone and make it until morning. I know what I'm feeling is very old and I keep telling myself it's not the present but it sure feels like it. I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to function in the present feeling like this. It's like I've sliced open my gut so my injured soul can flow out and I can't stop the hemorrhaging. It's ugly and people aren't going to understand and I don't know how to face the world with my ugliness showing. It's so ugly, I'm so ashamed. Now I have deep sobs rolling out from the pit of my existence. It's so bad, I feel so very bad.

Please pray that I get mercy from this phase soon, I truly feel like I'm dying. It's what's needed to get to the other side and I can't stop it. I know I will heal but it feels soooo bad right now. My counselor says it"ll be a little "uncomfortable" for awhile. I'd say it is "a lot" uncomfortable, almost unbearable. It would be without hope. I think that's why I believe positive thoughts are so important, without them, I think my soul would be completely dead. God has kept that spark of hope alive in me forever."

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you sweet girl. I talked to God as a little girl, and spirituality and the hope that I find from it is so special to me. I'm very alone right now, but I find reassurance in your post, that I still have spirit when there's no one else there.

I'm sorry that you went through what you did. Bit I'm glad you found hope, and a good friend and therapist.

 

[cherryblossom]

I wasn't abused as a child, I was raped as a young adult. However, unless I've completely misunderstood, something about your post resonates with me.

When I first went to therapy, the overwhelming feelings I had were of guilt, and shame, and self blame. It was those feelings that made it so hard to talk about. Even when I did talk talk about it, it wasn't the terror of the situation that struck me, it was the shame.

It's really hard to describe, because I suppose it is the fear of it happening again that leads to a lot of the PTSD symptoms - hyper-vigilance, startle, avoidance, distress, anxiety, etc. The terror only really manifested in nightmares and flashbacks. Terror never seemed to be the conscious emotion. It seemed to be overwhelmed by shame, self-blame, guilt.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense? It sort of feels like the terror was there subconsciously, while the conscious feelings were of of guilt and shame.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Yes, that makes sense cherryblossom. It is like terror happens, but is subconcious.

 

[Lazlo]

I wasn't abused at home, it was a stranger abduction when I was a child. I write it out and other people felt the terror when they read it but I couldn't. I felt so detached from it and yet I would have nightmares and feel terrified of something I couldn't recall when I woke up. There were moments and in my mind when I think about it I know I was terrified at the time, it is probably the reason it was thoroughly blocked for so long. Like you, I was too young to know what had happened and there were other things that happened that were totally out of my scope of reality that I didn't understand. I am still coming to terms with knowing what happened and am just now accepting some of the emotions. When I was allowed to go home I just stepped back into normality and no one had a clue that anything happened. No one knew until just less than 2 years ago.

I avoid anger and violence, there have been very few times in my life when I have felt anger and even then it is mixed with terror. I have come to realize that was a direct result of the trauma. It was the only time I had ever felt so much anger directed at me just for being alive. I have never had to experience anything like that as an adult and I hope I never do again.

I think as we heal we can accept the emotions that we felt, we are able to understand and are strong enough for our mind to not keep them from us. Blocking those emotions was a survival strategy we no longer need. At least I hope that is what it means.

My sexual abuse was not ongoing, but it had lifelong affects on how I came to respond to life. I was just a young boy on the way from a playing at a friend's house and I decided to take a shortcut to get home faster. I was accosted by a much older boy along the way. He called me over to him and I was afraid to run. He held a broken beer bottle to me and made me take off my pants. I remember him touching me and I was terrified that he was going to kill me. After it was over, he said, "See? That wasn't so bad..." I remember when he said those words, I felt such elation that there was a possibility that I wasn't going to die. I went straight home, sobbing the whole way. When I came into the house, my mother freaked out and screamed for me to tell her what happened. I could only keep sobbing and shake my head. After a while, I think she was too afraid to hear what had happened and just kind of brushed it under the carpet.

This is the first time I've shared this with anyone besides my wife and past therapists.

Venusian, thank you for sharing.

 

[Venusian]

Lazio, it is always difficult sharing even on a forum like this. It does help, every time that you do it has a little bit less of a hold on you. Thank you for sharing also.

I know how terrifying that must have been for you. I am not sure if I was crying when I was let go but no one ever asked what had happened or questioned anything about my appearance but I do know that feeling when I realized that I wasn't going to die that day. It is such a dichotomy of emotion that children should never have to experience.

 

[cherryblossom]

@Lazlo Well done for sharing your story, as Venusian has said, it's a difficult thing to do, even with the anonymity of a forum such as this. I hope that therapy and support from your wife has helped to make this awful experience a little easier to manage.

Thank you for sharing.