General Testing..?

[JS786]

My exboyfriend sufferer and I have been broken up for a little over 2 weeks. We hadnt talked in 11 days and he contacted me yesterday out of the blue and asked if it was OK to come to the show I'm in. I told him I'd love that, and gave him the info and left it at that.

Today he msged me around noon and we were talking about how he can't drive so he's relying on his friends to drive him to his doctor's appointments. I told him if I was around I wouldnt mind taking him. And he replied that since we haven't been together so long that he thought it'd be weird. I told him I was still the same person but it was up to him.

He replied that HE wasn't the same person and telling me that I deserve better and we're too different and I'm too nice and too good of a person and he needs "chaos" in order to be in a relationship but he loves my family, he isn't the person I think he is, he does all kinds of bad stuff, etc. I didn't respond much to any specific musing (except one snarky comment about him not wanting to be with me because I know what I want out of life and where my life is headed), I told him I couldn't continue the conversation because I was going into work but of msg him when I was on break at 3.

A mini bout of food poisoning and I got sent home at 230. I got home and around 315 he msged me to talk and we just talked about nothing important and it was like we didn't even have the conversation 3 hours earlier.

It's been suggested to me that he's "testing" me or something like that, but I can't figure out the point of that. Why would he reach out asking to see me, then say it would be weird to see me and then talk to me like nothing happened? I know, PTSD and everything surrounding it is confusing, I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced the same thing.

Any insight?

 

[Navy Spouse]

JS, It sounds like he's just as confused as you are. Even though you broke up, he's still trying to convince you that you can do better. I think that when he starts saying all those things, you should just reply that you're his friend and if he needs a ride to the doctors and you're not busy that you would be glad to help him out.

Maybe he's afraid that if you were together, even for just a ride to the doctor he would have feelings for you. It probably would be kind of a "weird" feeling for you also. It's still a new breakup and you still have some feelings for him, I'm guessing.

 

[JS786]

I'm not sure the feelings stopped for either of us, Navy. I know not for me but the jury is out on *his* feelings. I mean, things were great and suddenly some stressors, he isolated and the breakup was kind of sudden with a "I can't be in a serious relationship right now."

I guess it would be a bit weird to be together and not be lovey-dovey.. So yeah maybe there are still feelings there for both of us which would be too stressful for him to be with me? I don't know. I think maybe his insecurities are surfacing??

 

[Army_Brat_88]

JS -

I'm not bringing this up at ALL to be mean so please don't get pissed - but my question is you commented a few times that he was known to end relationships quick right? I thought you said that his mom said he was kinda known for that, and it was a concern always. Maybe there was something to it perhaps? I don't want you to feel defensive, but if we're really honest, at times we can see why people broke up with our past guys, or why we broke up with someone in our past - or if we know someone well enough why they aren't in LTR. At times there's something to it.

I'm just trying to look at it from a middle ground.

 

[JS786]

You have a good point, Army. And don't worry, I'm not mad. :)

I know I don't need to *defend* myself per se, but I will say this: ex is very much the kind of person to end a relationship and *that's it*, no continued contact with the girl anymore, etc. His mom did tell me he has a hard time committing and sometimes goes from one girl to the next.. Which is why I'm so surprised that he's continuing to talk to me when I'm making no added effort to be in contact with him.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Nope. Fair enough answer for me.

I'll only say *one* more thing (until I think of something else):p:

JS? If you continue to let him be, and he were to eventually give signs that he still wants you in his life, please for God's sake TRY not to make some of the past "mistakes" - like losing your temper or saying things you wanted to take back. This whole nightmare is supposed to be a learning experience for some of us. We aren't always given second chances.

 

[JS786]

Army, I can't get mad at anything when I have a purring kitty on my lap. Meow. ;)

As always, thank you for your insight. He's not well right now, I'm glad to hear he's going to doctors, though this current saga of the story is a WTF. Puzzling that he changes his mind day to day, but three days from now he may tell me he's "cured" or he's an alien, who knows. But he's always told me (when we were together, and I assume translates to now too) "If I didn't want to walk to you, I wouldn't."

I'm learning tons here, through Once a Warrior that you recommended and a book I got called "If the Buddha Dated" and I'm hoping I don't make the same mistakes I did before.

 

[wife of]

It sounds to me as though he's testing your loyalty.

Either your attitude of "OK we have broken up but I'm still here to be your friend" is a new concept for him and he wants to see how that fits or despite being confused about his own feelings,he does still have them.

It does sound almost like a case of "the lady doth protest too much".

I'd say to take things slowly and enjoy your new found friendship if anything comes of it futher down the line when he has learnt to trust in your loyalty then all well and good,but make sure the ground rules are laid for whatever form of relationship you have.

 

[JS786]

What do you mean by "the lady doth protest too much"?? Curious how you think it fits in this situation (and I was never good at understanding Shakespeare.)

I'm planning to continue on how I've been, if he wants to talk to me, fine.. But unless I have something specific to tell him/ask him, I'm not going to initiate contact.

 

[wife of]

Sorry that comment was aimed at his protesting as to how you would be better off without him,I think it sounds like he is trying to convince himself that being valiant and walking away is the right thing to do despite his instincts possibly saying different...

 

[JS786]

Then why contact me at all, the silly goose?

Like I said, we hadn't spoken in almost 2 weeks, I'd tried to talk to him once but when I didn't hear back from him I didn't try again. Then three times in about 30 hours he initiated contact. Ya I wanted closure since our breakup was so sudden but after 2 weeks I didn't think I'd get it.. And random: there he is back again.

It doesn't make sense, which I know happens with PTSD all the time but damn, hah. Guess I shouldn't be surprised since he used to tell me while we were together that I could do better, I was a good girl etc etc.

I wanted to get so mad and tell him to cut the shit with the insecurities but I swallowed my anger and remained calm (or faked being calm). It felt like he was just saying things to make me angry, maybe hoping if flip out and tell him not to talk to me anymore...? I have no idea what's going on in his head (I don't even think HE knows what's going on in his head)

 

[wife of]

I think that is the whole point hunny,you can't figure out what is going on in his head until he figures out for himself what is going on...