Text From Abuser

[desiderata310]

I am trying to hold it together and NOT doing well at it. S, my abuser, spent the last two weeks emailing me and today he sent me a text. I blocked the number but I'm just not ok. Happened 2 hours ago and I can't calm down. Seriously freaked out and maybe not all the way here.

Sent my therapist a text, no response.

 

[desiderata310]

Text back from my therapist: am I ok?

No. Reminder to take Ativan. Half an hour later at least my heart isn't racing anymore. I can't keep doing this

 

[maryel42]

-hug- is right here if you want it. The situation is sucky. You will get through it.

Admitting you're not ok is a big thing. It's ok not to be ok some of the time.

 

[desiderata310]

I wish I could say I felt better but I am still freaking out. No sleep tonight for me. I just know he's made the trip here. He's never going to leave me alone.

 

[Justmehere]

Can you call the police? Sending texts or emails after being told to stop is harassment in the US and someone can be sent to jail for that alone.

 

[desiderata310]

I don't know that I still have proof that I asked him to stop. I know in the past I have begged him to leave me alone and it just egged him on to contact me more.

Ativan worked too well. I can't think. Stupid medicine head.

 

[Justmehere]

Doing some grounding may help get through the sedating effects of the Ativan and any remaining dissociation. Going to any place or thinking of anything that helps you feel a little safer might help. Panic is a normal response when a dangerous person contacts someone.

If he was a partner or family member you could talk to the local Safehouse or domestic violence womens shelter in your area - not for shelter, but they generally have advocates that help with this very thing and ways to keep someone safe from any retaliation or escalation.

It's ok if you can't prove that you told him to stop. The police could still talk to him and give him the clear message that enough is enough and he needs to leave you alone. It's just an option if you feel in danger from him - and it is technically harassment for someone to not leave you alone, because of how it affects people just like it is affecting you now.

It's not ok that he keeps trying to reach you and it's a great thing that you blocked his texts! It's good you reached out to your therapist too.

 

[desiderata310]

He's my estranged husband. I haven't seen him, really, in two years. I moved away from the area to as far away as I could this past fall to get away... Well from everything. He'd been stalking me for a time and because we worked in the same field the whole thing had become intolerable.

Not clear on what you mean by grounding techniques... Safe place? I guess I can try that.

I'll try to get hold of someone this week at the local shelter. Doubt there's much they can do: 2000 miles seperates us and laws are different in different states.

He's the large part of the reason I was suicidal last week.

And yeah, I'm standing close to the rabbit hole again...

 

[Justmehere]

I'm really glad you are going to contact them. My local Safehouse helped me with someone who was in another state. There is action they can take even when he is 2,000 miles away.

Harassment is still harassment no matter where he is. There is no state in the US that permits someone to repeatedly contact an ex-wife after she tells him to leave her alone. I hope the advocates in your area are as good as they are here - if so, they can help support you in a lot of ways, including emotionally, as you get through this and they can help take action up make sure he leaves you alone.

By grounding techniques I mean things like described here:
Link Removed. Thinking of a safe place is one grounding technique.

I like to hold ice or mindfully (noticing all I can about this present moment) hot tea when scared, or go for a walk or say the alphabet backwards in my head. Sometimes the panic doesn't get better right away, but sometimes it does. Sometimes it helps ride through the tough times.

For me, I can get almost frustrated when it feels like my life is unbearable to live for someone to suggest to go hold ice or do these other things. They are simply things to help get through this pain now until it gets better - and it will get better.

It sounds like you are feeling really hopeless right now. Are you having suicidal thoughts again? Don't lose hope - I know, it's so easy to say and so hard to do.

This would be so hard for me too. Please don't hesitate to reach out to crisis lines, here, and your therapist.

 

[desiderata310]

Not so much suicidal thoughts as that weight on my chest and that sick feeling in my stomach that proceeds them. I can't go back there. The ativan helped but only so much and I can't take it during the day since it makes me to groggy to work. Taking off work would be worse as I would have time to sit and dwell so push through and hope I hold it together and that he doesn't figure out that I've blocked him on the cell and finds out what my office phone is here.

Thanks for the link. I sort of do some of that but with limited results. I'll keep trying.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I can't really add to the good advice that justmehere has given.

Save all your emails and texts though (as proof), don't respond, and call the police. You may be able to get a restraining order or they may be able to charge him.

Womens aid or the local shelter will be able to advise you on what you can do in your area.

I hope you're ok, and I hope you feel calmer soon.

 

[desiderata310]

I wish I had the texts from two years ago. They WERE threatening. They did say terrible things. Now they don't. It's more banal:' Happy Birthday', 'Merry Christmas', 'Why won't you respond to my email/text/phone calls?' 'What are we going to do now?' 'I want insurance.' 'what are we going to do about a divorce' (trust me I WANT a divorce but the thought of him knowing my address and having to communicate with him just sends me into a downward spiral. It's not sadness- it's fear.) 'Why are you being immature about all this?' 'You are wrong about me.' 'I love you'

Before it was:
'You are doing terrible things to me.' 'You will pay for this.' 'I never hurt you and you know it.' ' You asked for it.' ' You LIKED it.' ' This is unfair and I will make you pay.' ' You owe me.' ' I deserve these things from you (sexual favors)' 'I will hurt your (mom, son, ex)' 'I love you and I am going to hurt myself because of you' ' I will always know what you are doing. I know everything. You can't hide from me' 'You took away my family'... etc.

Facebook was worse. People told me things that he said. I was made to look like the evil person. I "kicked him out" I "took away his only family" (the kids are mine from a previous marriage and they HATE him)

He stalked me through other people on face book and he stalked me in real life. Followed me or had me followed. Broke into my house. smashed up my car (I couldn't prove it) *ugh*

I go through moments where I am perfectly fine and then my phone will ding with a text from someone or my email alert will go off and my heart will skip a beat and I panic just a little. Same with my phone ringing.

Moving to the far side of the country was supposed to make me feel safer and be my chance to start over after all these years of hell. Therapy is part of that. Just not quite safe yet.