Text From Abuser

[digger]

How is he getting your email addresses and phone numbers? Do you know who is giving them to him? Get a new email address and phone number and only give it to people you absolutely know you can trust. If you call your phone provider and explain, they are usually pretty good about changing your number.

 

[desiderata310]

It's the same email/cell number I've had for years. Professionally, I had to keep it because so many people knew it: same with my email address. Now that I am in a new state I guess it really IS time to look into getting a local number....

 

[Justmehere]

I only have a moment but wanted to tell you that it sounds like you have witnesses of past abusive comments - but I don't think you even have to go that far back to get serious action against him that will help you feel safer,

You told him to stop, and it doesn't matter legally If he is contacting you to give you a million dollars... or to say happy birthday. It's still harassment. (Which surprised me to find out.)

Even if you never told him to stop - you clearly need him to stop now. The advocates at the women's domestic violence shelter can help - your concerns are very understandable and sadly very common for women who have left abusive husbands.

Most states have what is called a confidential address program where your address is kept off all public records and your mail goes through a third party. It's not even on your drivers license (which is public record) if you go through them. Everything goes to an address you can give people that is nowhere near you, and the state mails everything to your home. When I did it, my mail took 2-3 days longer, but it wasn't a big deal and it helped me feel so much safer.

When someone gets a restraining order, the judge can and usually does order as a default that your address is kept out of all legal records, including divorce records.

There are lots of ways to deal with him that keep you safe personally, physically, and professionally - ways and supports that I had no idea existed until I had to deal with an abusive person I used to live with.

So sorry you are going through this.

 

[Justmehere]

p.s. He sounds horrible for being so bold as to threaten people in writing and through a public format like facebook. It makes sense why you are so scared!

(And there is much reason for hope that things will change as you get more support to get him out of your life for good!)

 

[desiderata310]

oook.
Sent a message off to the local women's shelter with the briefest of intros. Very nervous about all of this. It's been 2.5 years. I should have taken care of this by now. I should have gotten a restraining order when I first left. NO ONE is going to believe me now. No pictures, no nothing. I can't do this.

Why does he keep contacting me? It's been forever. He leaves me alone for a month, two months, three if I am lucky then I am back on the radar and depending on how his life is going it will be something nice or it will be something ugly. I should give up.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok not victim blaming so no flaming. You are still married to him and even though you are running away from him, he's a big dumb guy who thinks "hey she is still my wife so there's still hope". Like I said, guys can be dumb and ignore every other shred of evidence that they're unwanted and hold on to the one thing that means nothing, that is holding on to the marriage thing that you haven't ended only because of fear.

I say all of this to encourage you to end it legally. Take back the power. I know you can.

 

[desiderata310]

you're right. I deserve all of this.

 

[Justmehere]

you're right. I deserve all of this.

Can I be a little frank? I really do not think that's what Solara meant, at all, and if she did mean that... It's time to stand up for yourself and say, no I did not deserve this. (Which is so easy for me to say from the outside and yet I know it can be so hard to do for ourselves.)

Saying that you do deserve what you know is and call abuse is basically victim blaming towards your own self.

Of course you do not deserve threats and abuse. Period.

But, what we are trying to help you see is that there is lots of action you can take and lots of options you have to get out of this. You keep expressing that you can't do this, but I believe you can. He likely thinks you still intend to be his wife - and without a divorce, I can see why. It doesn't make abuse ok, and he would have options to end the marriage himself and initiate a divorce - but it seems clear that it's going to be up to you.

You are scared and hurting. Understandably so. He probably really hurt you to move 2,000 miles away to get away from him and yet to be so quick to shame yourself and feel so hopeless. You have already been through and survived the worst, and it's going to get better now. You have already taken huge and great steps to get away from him, and I think we are just encouraging you to keep going! Don't give up now!

I really hope you keep taking more steps to get this dirt bag out of your life and take your power back.

Abuse is never ever our fault, and it can makes us feel helpless to stand up against future abuse, and terrified to claim our voices and cut ties. I have been there myself.

There is also a phenomenon called trauma bonding, where victims have a hard time fully breaking ties from those that traumatized us. It sounds like you believe what he has told you - that you deserve this and there is no way out or and no way to fully be away from him. That's trauma bonded thinking. You have taken on his thinking as your own. It's not accurate or true.

You can do this. You may not even have to do very much to finally give him the divorce he wants and the safety you need.

I hear your concerns, and I encourage you to keep trying to take action to get away from him.... because you DESERVE better and to feel safe in the world.

I hope you send the message (not a text by through a divorce and steps to keep yourself safe during it) to him that you are done with the marriage.

Maybe you are not done yet. Maybe you are not ready to let go of the marriage? Divorces are hard, even when they are to get away from abusive people. Chances are, at one point in time, you married him because you loved him.

Have you heard back on your email to the women's shelter? Can you call them today?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm I'm sorry if it sounded like I was saying it was your fault because it's not. I was saying he was a big dumb guy who is holding on to one measly shred of "evidence" (marriage) even though there are a million other pieces of evidence that tell him you want nothing to do with him.

You have the power within you to follow through with the divorce. I hope that you do, because like it or not, he still has certain legal rights just because you're still married.

 

[desiderata310]

It's hard to explain: I've felt trapped for the longest. Stuck between being scared, humiliated that this has happened, afraid of what he will say about me, what he could do to me. Then there's the money side of things. The only thing I could think to do was hire a lawyer. When I left, I gave up everything:my car, all the furniture; everything and started over from scratch with two kids at home and one in college and half the income. I've been busy trying to repair the damage that he did to my relationship with my kids and busy with just... living and trying to stay safe. I've felt overwhelmed for so long I didn't even bother to look for help. When I finally got a job away from home (REALLY a long way from home) I left! I'm starting over AGAIN. Got rid of everything I owned and started life with a couple of suitcases. I finally feel like I can try to work on the rest of it. Even now, it feels like a monumental task and I am afraid that he will come after me for money or more stuff (I don't HAVE anything anymore)or that he will get a wild hair and come after me physically (yes all the way across the country- I wouldn't put it past him) or he would go after my mom(which he threatened to do) I'm afraid of getting raped- physically, financially and emotionally.
I don't WANT to be married. I'm just afraid of what it will take to get free.

 

[Justmehere]

It makes a lot of sense why you are apprehensive.

It sounds like there are lot of reasons that you feel it makes it too hard to safely get away from him. I understand your reasons and fears. In my limited experience, some of your fears about getting a divorce are perhaps more extreme than warranted - there are so many ways to protect against all the harm you fear. Frankly, you could actually be awarded considerable damages or property back if you were seeking it (but I get the impression you are not.) So much can be done to protect you and your entire family from physical and other harm as well, if you choose to pursue those options.

At this point, I am more concerned for your safety by staying married to him and I think you will be a lot safer when you are divorced.

And really, at this point, you really don't have much left to lose, and so so much to gain.

Just think what it might be like to get a text from a friend and not jump because you fear it is him. Just think what it could be like to never have to deal with him again. Just think about what it would be like to no longer be in a position where he keeps contacting you and triggering you.

I am guessing that you also don't want to live the rest of your life trapped like this. It seems clear he is also ready for the divorce too.

Without talking to lawyers (who often do free consults) or advocates who know all your options way better than you or I or anyone here - without their expertise on what you can do now, do you really have enough information to make the decision that it will be too hard to go through the divorce?

Staying married to him gives him power over things like your estate and end of life decisions and the ability to insert himself into your life and healthcare if something would ever happen to you. If he is the retaliatory type, I see this as all the more reason to get a divorce done and cut all ties.

But I also know this is really hard and in the end, it's your decision. I had been very scared of fighting for my own freedom from an abuser too. Right now, you don't have to figure it all out. I really encourage you to get more info from advocates and lawyers about what the possibilities and risks are. Then you can think it through and decide. You have choice and options now that you likely didn't have before, or that would have been too scary to do while enduring the abuse.

 

[desiderata310]

@Justmehere I really am working towards it. I hate introducing myself as Ms. (his-last-name) it makes me ill. I was over the 'death of a relationship' the night ... it was bad... just leave it at that..... It's all about me getting the courage and money together to make this happen.