PatientFaith
New Here
Hi all,
I've been doing a lot of reading on these pages over the last month, trying to get a better grasp on what my boyfriend has been going through for the last 10 years since returning from his deployment and to better understand what I can except and do to help.
We met in June and got together in August last year. I am his first long term relationship since he split with his ex at the end of the previous year, and what we have is a complete 180 from what he has experienced with that relationship (which was to him on many levels). In hindsight, it was a bit of a whirlwind, but we discussed speed multiple times and always went at his pace (which is alright by me), and communicated every step of the way. We communicate well and have similar goals and life views. In his words, I am everything he has been looking for, am great with his kids, he loves spending time in each other's company, trusts me more than he has trusted anyone, I can calm him down when he gets triggered without effort, and cares deeply about me. I am very confident in how I feel about him, but he is feeling an emotional block with feeling anything more. He likened it to a wall that he just can't get around and he doesn't know why, but he knows that fear and dealing with his trauma are part of it, both from the previous relationship and the war.
We had a short break at the beginning of the month, tried again to take things slower, but that was still too much, so we are putting on the breaks for now. And you know what? As much as it hurts me, I know it's the right thing to do right now. He has stated that he is overwhelmed by the love I show him, and he doesn't feel worthy of it. Now, I fully disagree with his evaluation of his worth (and listed off a bunch of things I admire about him immediately, which I know made him a little uncomfortable), and I have nothing but respect and love for him. But because I respect and trust him, I'm comfortable giving him his space. I know that he agonized over his decision for a couple weeks, but he can't handle juggling everything all at once now, it's just too much.
He has taken the time and consideration to step back from our relationship because he came to recognize that he has baggage that he needs to unpack and address before continuing any further, and I'm so proud of him, even though I miss the ever-loving shit out of him every day. He saw himself falling in to the same patterns that he has historically fallen into with relationships (which have been long, not short term) and didn't want us to crash and burn. So, he's getting back to his therapist, getting more involved with his church and making more friends - rebuilding the foundation and healing so that he can be himself in a relationship (and more importantly, in general in life) once more. I'm so happy that he is doing this for himself, this healing. I wish I could be there to help, but I have to accept that I am too much stress to his cup right now, and backing off and respecting his space and wishes is the most I can do. There are a lot of things outside of our relationship and control that he is dealing with right now, and neither of us can control them but they are very important to him, but two of which are quite stressful.
I have made my dedication to him known - he's given me more than one chance to run, and I have yet to go anywhere, and he has spoken both his gratuity and disbelief of that. In between the breaks, he likened himself to a rollercoaster and said welcome to it - that was a huge tip off for me that his cup was overflowing (for the record, I reminded him of my love of rollercoasters and being ready to hang on for the ride). I know our relationship has been relatively short, in the scheme of life but it has been amazing nonetheless. Length isn't always the best judge of quality, and quality has been excellent. Based on both his words and prior actions, I truly don't think it's something he wants to give up on. I know I don't plan on it.
I've seen him twice since we took this step back a week ago, both were coincidences, and both times he pulled me in for a hug before saying see you later (I did not anticipate or initiate either). We are on good terms and have never said goodbye, only see you later. I know this will be a journey for him. And I will be concentrating on myself and life in the mean time. I don't know where life is going to bring us, but I have enjoyed every minute of our time together. And I have no plans of going anywhere until he gives me a reason to - he has stated that he wants it to work, but he just doesn't think that he can right now, he needs to work on himself first. And with that, he has every bit of my support, however he needs it. Even if that on his own for now, with me cheering him on from the sidelines. We are still friends, that won't change. He is amazing, and I hope he sees that one day. (Soon would be nice , but these things can't be rushed, I know, I've done a lot of self-discovery and self-worth work to get to where I am).
I guess I just wanted to say thank you to all of you, both those who are living with PTSD and those of you who love someone with PTSD. Understand it on a logical level and living it are two very different things, and I'm grateful to you all for sharing your stories. It truly has made this much easier for me. I read a post here from December of 2014 from Owl that I copied down because it struck so many chords with me. Forgive me, I don't yet know how to quote from a different thread (or if that's possible).
"Love is stress. Maybe even one of the biggest stressors out there.
You go through life with your walls and your coping-mechanisms, all of which you've built up in order to protect yourself, and suddenly someone comes along and plows right through them all. Love does the one thing that's almost impossible to handle: It makes you vulnerable.
You want it, you crave it, you enjoy it - but above all, you fear it.
Still you do whatever you can to keep it in your life because it's one of the very few things that bring light into the swamp - until something else pops up, adds to the stress of trying to NOT run screaming from your own vulnerability, the infamous cup overflows all over the place and every wall, every fence, every moat shoots back up in an instant and everything turns into nothing less than a fight for your life.
In times like those, the first thing that needs to go is the one that poses the biggest threat to your defenses: The one person who's proven to be able to tear them all down."
So, I'm taking this to heart. I know it was not me, and I know that these are things that he needs to work on to "be good for anyone at all" in his words. Loving others fully and healthfully starts with self-love, and that can be a hard thing for anyone - whether they have experienced trauma or not - to do. And please don't take offense to that, it's just my experience. :)
You - all of you - are wonderful and strong people. Thank you for all of the insight you have provided for me (and, consequently, the man I love). It's truly immeasurable to me. Now all I can do is wait with intent out to the universe, and know that he's doing the best thing for himself.
I've been doing a lot of reading on these pages over the last month, trying to get a better grasp on what my boyfriend has been going through for the last 10 years since returning from his deployment and to better understand what I can except and do to help.
We met in June and got together in August last year. I am his first long term relationship since he split with his ex at the end of the previous year, and what we have is a complete 180 from what he has experienced with that relationship (which was to him on many levels). In hindsight, it was a bit of a whirlwind, but we discussed speed multiple times and always went at his pace (which is alright by me), and communicated every step of the way. We communicate well and have similar goals and life views. In his words, I am everything he has been looking for, am great with his kids, he loves spending time in each other's company, trusts me more than he has trusted anyone, I can calm him down when he gets triggered without effort, and cares deeply about me. I am very confident in how I feel about him, but he is feeling an emotional block with feeling anything more. He likened it to a wall that he just can't get around and he doesn't know why, but he knows that fear and dealing with his trauma are part of it, both from the previous relationship and the war.
We had a short break at the beginning of the month, tried again to take things slower, but that was still too much, so we are putting on the breaks for now. And you know what? As much as it hurts me, I know it's the right thing to do right now. He has stated that he is overwhelmed by the love I show him, and he doesn't feel worthy of it. Now, I fully disagree with his evaluation of his worth (and listed off a bunch of things I admire about him immediately, which I know made him a little uncomfortable), and I have nothing but respect and love for him. But because I respect and trust him, I'm comfortable giving him his space. I know that he agonized over his decision for a couple weeks, but he can't handle juggling everything all at once now, it's just too much.
He has taken the time and consideration to step back from our relationship because he came to recognize that he has baggage that he needs to unpack and address before continuing any further, and I'm so proud of him, even though I miss the ever-loving shit out of him every day. He saw himself falling in to the same patterns that he has historically fallen into with relationships (which have been long, not short term) and didn't want us to crash and burn. So, he's getting back to his therapist, getting more involved with his church and making more friends - rebuilding the foundation and healing so that he can be himself in a relationship (and more importantly, in general in life) once more. I'm so happy that he is doing this for himself, this healing. I wish I could be there to help, but I have to accept that I am too much stress to his cup right now, and backing off and respecting his space and wishes is the most I can do. There are a lot of things outside of our relationship and control that he is dealing with right now, and neither of us can control them but they are very important to him, but two of which are quite stressful.
I have made my dedication to him known - he's given me more than one chance to run, and I have yet to go anywhere, and he has spoken both his gratuity and disbelief of that. In between the breaks, he likened himself to a rollercoaster and said welcome to it - that was a huge tip off for me that his cup was overflowing (for the record, I reminded him of my love of rollercoasters and being ready to hang on for the ride). I know our relationship has been relatively short, in the scheme of life but it has been amazing nonetheless. Length isn't always the best judge of quality, and quality has been excellent. Based on both his words and prior actions, I truly don't think it's something he wants to give up on. I know I don't plan on it.
I've seen him twice since we took this step back a week ago, both were coincidences, and both times he pulled me in for a hug before saying see you later (I did not anticipate or initiate either). We are on good terms and have never said goodbye, only see you later. I know this will be a journey for him. And I will be concentrating on myself and life in the mean time. I don't know where life is going to bring us, but I have enjoyed every minute of our time together. And I have no plans of going anywhere until he gives me a reason to - he has stated that he wants it to work, but he just doesn't think that he can right now, he needs to work on himself first. And with that, he has every bit of my support, however he needs it. Even if that on his own for now, with me cheering him on from the sidelines. We are still friends, that won't change. He is amazing, and I hope he sees that one day. (Soon would be nice , but these things can't be rushed, I know, I've done a lot of self-discovery and self-worth work to get to where I am).
I guess I just wanted to say thank you to all of you, both those who are living with PTSD and those of you who love someone with PTSD. Understand it on a logical level and living it are two very different things, and I'm grateful to you all for sharing your stories. It truly has made this much easier for me. I read a post here from December of 2014 from Owl that I copied down because it struck so many chords with me. Forgive me, I don't yet know how to quote from a different thread (or if that's possible).
"Love is stress. Maybe even one of the biggest stressors out there.
You go through life with your walls and your coping-mechanisms, all of which you've built up in order to protect yourself, and suddenly someone comes along and plows right through them all. Love does the one thing that's almost impossible to handle: It makes you vulnerable.
You want it, you crave it, you enjoy it - but above all, you fear it.
Still you do whatever you can to keep it in your life because it's one of the very few things that bring light into the swamp - until something else pops up, adds to the stress of trying to NOT run screaming from your own vulnerability, the infamous cup overflows all over the place and every wall, every fence, every moat shoots back up in an instant and everything turns into nothing less than a fight for your life.
In times like those, the first thing that needs to go is the one that poses the biggest threat to your defenses: The one person who's proven to be able to tear them all down."
So, I'm taking this to heart. I know it was not me, and I know that these are things that he needs to work on to "be good for anyone at all" in his words. Loving others fully and healthfully starts with self-love, and that can be a hard thing for anyone - whether they have experienced trauma or not - to do. And please don't take offense to that, it's just my experience. :)
You - all of you - are wonderful and strong people. Thank you for all of the insight you have provided for me (and, consequently, the man I love). It's truly immeasurable to me. Now all I can do is wait with intent out to the universe, and know that he's doing the best thing for himself.
