Thanks For This Site...

[champuli1]

It is very hard to post anything here (or anywhere). Seems like lately I feel like there are 'predators' around every corner. It sounds so foolish and paranoid to say that, but my "trust factor" is at a pretty low ebb right now, I guess. Thank you for being so clear about your website rules and guidelines. It makes me very uncomfortable to not know the motivations of folks who might be reading my thoughts and feelings. I appreciate - more than I can tell you - your efforts to weed out anyone who would come here for some sort of sick entertainment. Thank you.

Here is why I was searching for support tonight and why I ended up here talking to you in the wee hours:

I have been told for years that I have classic Chronic PTSD due to observed symptomology. It told me years to accept the diagnosis, but it is a correct dx even though I wish it weren't. I have always been very guarded about showing any stress or whatever because I worked in the medical field (ER nurse) and many of my friends are in that field, I am from a multi-generational law enforcement family, and I am married to a federal law enforcement psychologist. With that bunch as my family, social, and support network, it's hard to hide PTSD symptomology forever but, yet, my experiences are not something I have ever shared with any of them, nor do I wish to - EVER.

But...

There has been a really "hot" international news story that has been plastered everywhere 24/7 for the past couple of weeks. Because a celebrity is involved, other celebrities have been weighing in with their comments about the situation. This news story has made me uncomfortable for numerous reasons, but everybody has a right to their own opinion, and that is the way I have tried to handle the situation.

The other night, I was watching the news and they played a sound bite of a female celebrity making a comment about the situation. I was so absolutely shocked by the comment that I went and viewed the whole video to see if it was out of context [it wasn't]. I have always enjoyed this woman's movies, etc. and admire much of the work she has done in the past.

Her comment hit me like a ton of bricks. Truly, my reaction was immediate and complete - it FLATTENED me. I have spent years trying to convince myself that a similar incident (quite parallel to the one that was being commented upon) that happened to me was not my fault, that it should NOT have happened, that it was not in any way "okay" that it happened, and that I was not to blame for it. Some days are better than others as to whether or not I really believe any of that, but I have tried to take it to heart as much as I could.

And, suddenly, now all these years later, I have a world-famous and ADMIRED woman telling me that my experience wasn't valid - that it was just EXACTLY as I had originally (and for years afterward) thought: it WAS my fault, it was NOT any big deal, and - even if I HAD told someone - they wouldn't have believed me anyway. She couldn't have stunned and shamed me any more thoroughly if she had leaned out of the television and spit in my face.

I am FURIOUS with myself for letting this affect me this way. Why in the world would I give her that kind of power over me??? It makes NO sense at all. She is also in a commercial that is running right now. The first several times (after the comment) that she came on in the commercial, I actually burst into tears when I saw her (and I am NOT a crier) because I was so embarrassed and ashamed. It freaked me out!!! I don't cry. I. Do. Not. Cry. And I am crying because this woman - who means nothing to me - has make a thoughtless comment about something that has nothing to do with me???????? puh-leeeeze... get serious. That is just simply not rational. I was an ER nurse for goodness sake... I do NOT get 'flapped'!! (yeah... right...)

But now, every time I see her face, or even think about her, I feel this overwhelming sense of shame... like she is reaching into my heart - into the tiny little part of me where I kept myself sane and safe knowing, KNOWING, that I had moved forward - and she is saying, "See? It really wasn't what you thought it was, and it didn't mean a thing."

I feel like my skin has been ripped away - like my safety and protection has been shattered. My sacred, tiny little safe haven where nobody could touch me... she has ripped it out of me and held it up to the whole world as a lie. How irrational is that?? I am having flashbacks and nightmares. I don't feel safe anywhere. And, yet, I am ENRAGED with myself for letting this stupid thing affect me this way.

I feel like I am going crazy.

I just needed to tell somebody.

Thank you for taking the time to listen.

 

[suzie q]

Being Called A Liar

There is nothing worse to me than to feel like I don't matter, I'm over-reacting, I was a liar... After my involved rape court case years ago, (he was let go of the charges) I completely lost my mind.

I had so very little self-esteem at that time (in my mid 20's) that all I did was to pick up all the guilt and shame I felt for not stopping him. We had all kinds of evidence to convict him, and he was dismissed on a technicality that probably was set up by his retiring attorney. Another girl was raped and almost killed by him after they let him go. I picked all that up and beat myself with it every day and night for 3 years. I drank and drugged myself to get by only to have all my undiagnosed mental disorders kick in and take over my life. It was my fault about that girl, right??

When I finally found a decent therapist who understood what I was feeling, I was told to learn how to give my shame and guilt back to the one who was putting it on my back. That was whether they were aware of it or not. I would scream "I give you back your shame...I give you back your guilt"! I had no reason to hold on to it. It wasn't mine!

From that day forward, no one would ever MAKE me a victim. That was a choice I had to make with each trauma I dealt with. I would accept responsibility for my share in the matter and release the negative feelings I was left with.

I'm sure with your extended help in the professions your family has taken, you have heard this before. To add to my processing, I took a plastic bat and beat my couch while working through my pain. That was fun and really helped my emotional state. I no longer felt that my circumstances were judged by my perpetrators and I would try not to let them. I felt I had enough to feel through, therefore it was none of my business what others thought of me.

Easier to say than do, I know, but I had to remove some SH** out of my wagon. A lot of it wasn't even mine to carry. Its much easier to pull these days! :wall:

Keep searching for you path to healing and know that there are some of us out there that can relate to some of your pain. I hope things get easier for you each day!

Love and prayers

suzie q

 

[amethist]

Hi champuli1

Welcome to the forum.

I can understand the reason for your anger, even though I am not sure which celebrity you mean.

You have found a good place for support and understanding, where other sufferers know what you experienced was NOT YOUR FAULT in any way shape or form.

If you can find a therapist it will help you thought this. But for now you will find a lot of help, advice and support.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist.

 

[BrownEyes]

Hi champuli1,

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found it. It's a very helpful place and you will find that you're not alone in many of your feelings.

I could feel your pain in what you wrote. I can see that it would be so frustrating to have this situation affect you like that, and my heart goes out to you. Take care.

 

[champuli1]

Thanks so much for your post, suzie q. You really hit the heart of the matter for me on so many levels.

So much of it - going all the way back to the beginning - has to do with wanting, NEEDING, to be believed. How do you convince someone that you are telling the truth?? You can't take them back to the situation and let them see it for themselves, so what do you do?? I chose to just never ever tell anyone for fear that I would be blamed or not believed. Stupid on my part. My family loves me deeply and would have rallied around me tight and close. I understand that now. My fear and shock didn't allow me to see it then.

Plus, picking up all the guilt and shame for everything that has happened since I didn't put a stop to the person's behavior. So I was just barely (by a few days) 13 and he was an adult... so what??? I - (with my incredible superpower to leap tall buildings) - should have been able to make the whole world safe from him, right? How many others did this happen to because I never uttered a word??? How many others? Every one of them is MY FAULT. These devastating accusations that we inflict upon ourselves are insidious and malignant. It's so easy to see it rationally in the clear light of day and as an adult, but so hard to let go of the emotion of it, the guilt of it.

And - I absolutely KNOW that I am the only one who can MAKE me feel ANYTHING and there-in lies a large part of what makes me so furious about my reaction to this present situation. [[The trigger being Woopie's comment: "It wasn't RAPE rape."]] What the heck does she know about my situation? And why in the world would I let anything that she (or anyone else) says rip my guts out??? It makes no sense but, yet, I feel as shattered and fragile and out of control as I have felt in YEARS. I truly and deeply believe that the only way I am a victim is if I CHOOSE to be a victim. Maybe that is why I feel insane for having this weird and totally overblown reaction to Whoopie Goldberg. It is actually really funny to see it in print that way. Crazy!!! But the flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance I am experiencing are taking me to a very, very bad place. I have not had such an extreme reaction in many years.

And here I go again... poor me... poor, poor me.... blah blah blah... I'm so sick of myself.

suzie q, THANK YOU for sharing a part of your experience with me. It's like you could see into my brain and know just what to say that would tell me that you KNOW what I am trying to say. For the very first time, I feel like somebody understands the internal craziness that goes on.

And I must say that your description of taking a plastic bat to your couch and then your comment "That was fun and really helped my emotional state" actually made me laugh aloud. A sudden, surprised, delighted laugh. Thanks! I needed that! It will be a mental image that will help me a LOT. :)

If you never post again, please know that today you have thrown out a lifeline to someone who never asked for or accepted help from anyone before. I will remember your words, your understanding, and your compassion. You have BEEN THERE. It gives me hope that I have just hit an unexpected bump in the road and this, too, shall pass. I know that that's true, but your gentle reminder of it has been medicine for my soul.

Thank you.

 

[champuli1]

Gosh, I just saw the other messages. Thank y'all for the quick responses, your understanding, and your support. I felt in my heart that if I was going to ever reach out, this was the time and place to try to do it. I was finally RIGHT about something!!!!! hahahaha. What a wonderful, wonderful group of folks this is. I am blessed.

To each of you - BrownEyes, amethist, suzie q, and all others who reach out with understanding and strength - THANK YOU. Just two little words, but sent with all the gratitude in the world.

 

[amethist]

The fact that you are here also shows that you had not given up hope of finding a place of support and understanding.

Now you are here, may you continue to find more of the same.

Everyone on this site aims to do all of the above and more.

Take care

Amethist

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Welcome to the forum.

I know the case you are speaking of, and while I don't know the particular actress you are talking about - it has shocked me to see the outpour of support. It feels like 20 steps back in my book.

Any news story about child abuse, child molestation, rape etc. sends me over the edge - honestly I no longer watch the news. I also don't watch "crime shows" for the same reason. I am just not in a place where I can "handle it".

I just wanted you to know - I understand - you are NOT going crazy - and I am so sorry that this has made you feel unvalidated.

I truly hope you decide to stick around - you can learn alot from this forum. (and yes - it is a safe place - if not, I wouldn't be here).

 

[champuli1]

Wow.... I seem to be breaking all the rules in one fell swoop. First, I didn't get the capitals right on my thread title and now I just saw the "use of the thank you button" post and realized that I misused that. Gee whiz.... <head bang>

Hahaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha - It's good to actually be able to laugh at myself about something again.

Okay: I solemnly swear to pay attention and behave myself from now on. Maybe I have it all out of my system now. Plus, ya'll are very helpful to the newbies and that means a lot.

Thanks again to all of you for your welcomes to the forum and your supportive and comforting words. It has already made a difference just to know that I now have a place I can come and hang out when it all gets too weird.

Also, I realize from a couple of posts that I may have inadvertantly created a bit of confusion in my original post by not just coming out and identifying what I was referring to.

TRIGGER ALERT: Some people may find this quote disturbing. [I obviously sure as heck did]. Read no further or skip next paragraph if you wish.

The comment that triggered me was Whoopie Goldberg's statement (in reference to the charges against Roman Polanski), "Well, it wasn't RAPE-rape." I had not wanted to mention her by name because her opinion is hers and she has a right to offer it and I didn't want to criticize her specifically by name. (Although, truth be told, in my less noble moments, I'd like to scream in her face, "WELL READ THE TRANSCRIPTS AND TELL ME WHAT THE FRAK YOU WOULD CALL IT!!!" Seems I am not as open to being fair about her voicing her opinion as I thought I was...)

Strangely enough, though, (and I can't tell you how really strange it is), I feel that I will be safe here, and I would rather just say the comment clear than dance around it and give it more power over me. So, there it is. A thoughtless, inane remark that I have allowed to send me into a tailspin of staggering - almost crippling - proportions. How idiotic of me.

But yet, just typing that about her and the quote from her.... my heart rate is bounding, my stomach is in a knot, and I want to go and crawl under the covers for a month. How could I still feel such shame after so long.......

But now I can come here. NOW I CAN COME HERE. Thank you for being here.

Strong days, restful nights, gentle healing, and quiet peace to you.

 

[anthony]

As the intro rules state... don't panic, its just a method to get everyone working off the same sheet as a community.