That Dark Place

[Jade-]

I get what you're saying james. Maybe I should try writing positive things down. Maybe it will help. Thanks.

 

[James B.]

My core belief of low self esteem and generalized self-negation has been pretty bad, and I've been very hard on myself for many many years. When I share these ideas, its not from some elevated platform, its because I have and often still do struggle with this stuff, sometimes everyday.

If I am being overly negative about myself, I feel its the mind/power/will of my abusers and/or the net effect of my abuse...still abusing me. Just like self sabotage.

This is distinctly different from self-hazing, where I call my own BS, my own tendency to chicken out, or dodge the bullet, or forget I am a perpetual student of life, and there is limitless stuff to learn.

There's also the thing with modesty, and the stuff we're taught/conditioned about bragging. If I give myself props for something I have done eg: quitting coffee/caffine, that's not bragging. If I give myself props for having stuck it out in life against the odds, and faced the challenge of healing, that's not bragging either.

Since you're alive, got a good T, are writing your diary (that's huge) and brave enough to share like you did here, you got plenty of positive things to give yourself props for, IMO. Not to mention, patience dealing with me! LOL Good god, give yourself a pat on the back right now for that one - jeepers...

Will Rogers said it best: "If you done it, it ain't bragging". :-)

 

[Jade-]

I talked to my T. today about how I was feeling, like I said I would.

I'm feeling much better already, just from talking about it. I think most of it was an anniversary date thing that I let get to me.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jadebear,

I am so glad it went well and that you are feeling better.

Intothelight

 

[disconnect]

It's awesome that you were able to talk to your T about how you were feeling and even better that you felt it made a difference. Super props to you!!
D/x

 

[onlybygrace]

I have been following this thread and to me it's amazing how you all rallied around Jadebear with all kinds of help and even...."hey, do something about it"! The honesty is so rich. I love it. My hat is off to you Jadebear for keeping with it and not being scared off from comments that could have thrown you off. I read nothing but care in them even if they were straight to the point. I had to pull myself up by my bootstraps, slap myself silly (mentally) and fight for my healing. Staying in that place, that hole....well, you stay there, what can I say. You have more choices and control than you think....continue on and God bless

onlybygrace

 

[Iam]

Wow Jade! I am so proud of you! It is awesome that you had the courage to share with your T and are feeling better as a result of it. That means it is worth the hard work you are doing!

 

[Jade-]

I'm back in that place again and this time I don't even ****ing care. I quit therapy today and I'm not going back. I'm just going to pretend I never went in the first place and pretend I was never diagnosed with ptsd. I'm just going to go back to the way I was before. It sucked, but not as bad as things suck now.

I'm just venting here, so please don't bother trying to cheer me up or say things will get better,etc. cause they ****ing won't.

 

[Jade-]

Sorry for the tantrum. That sounded like a 5 yr. old. sorry.

 

[Jade-]

I want to live. I want my life back. I have to fight for it though, I can't expect others do to it for me or to fix things for me. I have alot to live for, I just forget about those things sometimes and let all the other stuff consume me.

I've been hurt, I've been used and abused most of my life. I can't let that dictate who I am now.

I'm sorry for all the psycho babble, I have really been struggling lately.

 

[Jade-]

Why do alot of people with ptsd almost automatically/instinctively think about ending things when they're upset? Even when it's something trivial, it's the first place my mind goes. How do I get past that?

 

[James B.]

Had an experience with suicidal ideation very recently. There were two parts to it I think.

One part was repercussions/self acceptance issues with my abuse/incest. The suicidal ideation flashed on the screen, my mind dodged right, then left. Trapped.

The second phase of my suicial ideation was having/living with a stressor in my daily life. An issue with someone who triggers me from a standpoint of parental manipulation.

Point being - maybe suicial ideation is something we don't "get past". Maybe its more functional than that. Maybe its about (for some) ongoing stressors that are maxing us out and either we don't recognize the stressor and/or are unaware (because of having lived with an anxiety disorder long term) that our stress is actually redline.

Being objective about my stressors was for many years nealry impossible. Recent events taught me something. I was in denial about how badly I was being triggered/stressed by someone I felt trapped in dealing with in the context of a business relationship.

I didn't realize how destabilizing this relationship was. I can't tolerate intermittent destabilizing/stressing/angering relationships of any kind. I would blame myself for becoming destabilized - wrong. I should have made an effort to terminate the relationship (with a viable option) and be realistic about it 3 years ago.

Why did I allow it to go on so long? I have a mental health condition and if it isn't working I got a right to make a change. I didn't even think of that. Just beat myself up thinking it was "all on me". No, it isn't. I get along great with some people - others stress/trigger.

I need to remember this.

My mantra with stressful relationships: "get out get out where ever you are - cut those stressors near and far".

For me, suicidal ideation is a big red flag.