desiderata310
VIP Member
Today's session had me freaked the f*ck out. After the last several days,(where I was at a 10.5) I actually felt better: normal even and on a scale of 1 to 10 on the suicidal thoughts and feeling, I am registering about a 3. Barely even a whisper of something like that. But the idea that I would have to talk to my therapist about it had me on high alert. After dancing around the events of that day and what happened, I just put it out there. Yeah, it was more than just a bad day: I had the pills in one hand and the Jameson in the other and what had really stopped me was a phone call.
He pointed to that - that I had answered and not hit ignore- as a sign that I was a fighter. *shrug*
He didn't freak out. Obviously, I had not attempted: I was still sitting there and not talking to him from the psychiatric hospital nor was he trying to identify my body at the morgue .And while I was anxious about talking to him about it I wasn't ACTIVELY suicidal. I was sitting there calmly relating the story.. or well...yeah, I was calm.
We talked through the week and my thought process while it was happening. I told him about how it would ebb and flow and cycle so quickly. He kept asking me if this surprised me. well, yeah, it does! I'm better than that. My thought were ones of "I am so tired of fighting" I listed off a number of stupid fights that were headed my way. I had actually not connected those to my stress and my suicidal thoughts. I knew that my insomnia was directly linked but not to what extent.
My therapist's assessment was that:
1) I don't really seem to know when my stress level is climbing and it doesn't usually send off alarms till I get to "11"
2)My lack of sleep has had a HUGE bearing in my ability to process and deal with my stressors
3) S's emails were not good for me and was a huge contributor to all of this.
4) EMDR has poked a hole in my 'box'. That is to say, I can't use my old coping mechanisms because we've started the integration process and things won't go back the way they were. We have to press forward. He kind of apologized for that.
5) The past two weeks I've only had one session per week. He believed that having two is important since I seem to need the support.
Talked back through my nightmares. He was surprised that it wasn't about specifics we had worked on with EMDR but guessed that the more immediate threat that I felt (that S was out to get me) would more than explain that.
He promoted more self care. (HAAHAHAHA) and took a jab at my age (which made us both laugh) and told me to figure out when I really DO need to pull back and learn to go home early. Bad ass or no.
We moved my schedule around again. No more Saturdays(which weren't working for me anyway) but we are still on a two-a-week schedule: Mondays and Fridays. So now I am really looking at about 3 days between each session, unlike my Saturday to Wednesday stretch. I can't describe how that makes me feel: it's somewhere between being completely grateful and relieved to disappointed in myself and ashamed that I need two a week. I am nothing if not diametrically opposed to help.
Talked about T's observations of my weakness and my therapist pointed out that the things T had done were done in compassion: leaving the room and deflecting people so I could get my shit together, hanging the sledgehammer on the wall, etc. I am very much alone out here. I feel it every day. Then there was the gentle nudge from my therapist to make friends. Someone I could really confide in and talk to and do shit with. He said he understood it was safer since my trust had been violated so many times to stick to being alone but it wasn't doing me much good and he pointed out (as though he was sitting inside my head) how lonely I am. "It might be safer but it's sad and lonely in there".
Easier said than done. I understand it but I don't make friends easily or quickly.
I watched a YouTube video that I had watched many times before about the way that Facebook was making us more lonely. I'm not sure if I want to reopen my Facebook account, at least not for now. I don't know that it attributed to it but I know it didn't help. There were all these people on Facebook and I didn't really feel like I could tell any of the 200 or so people, listed as friends that I was about to kill myself. Of course, I couldn't tell any one in real life either. In many ways, I felt more alone than I ever had the last time I looked at Facebook.
I doubt anyone on there really misses me anyway.
With everyone having 200+ "friends" no one will notice that my name doesn't pop up anymore.
In all it was an ok session. The biggest part is he isn't putting me in the hospital or even discussing it. We both know I need the sessions to be safe for now (again, I can't describe the terrible feeling of self loathing that puts in the pit of my stomach) and he seems to have some sort of plan of action. It was, indeed, a huge risk on my part to tell him about the almost attempt. It wasn't supposed to be a test but I suppose it was and he passed. I feel I can trust him more. And whether he was aware of it or not, I was aware that I made eye contact with him several times. I tried. I needed to see if I could trust him with what I had told him and I can.
He pointed to that - that I had answered and not hit ignore- as a sign that I was a fighter. *shrug*
He didn't freak out. Obviously, I had not attempted: I was still sitting there and not talking to him from the psychiatric hospital nor was he trying to identify my body at the morgue .And while I was anxious about talking to him about it I wasn't ACTIVELY suicidal. I was sitting there calmly relating the story.. or well...yeah, I was calm.
We talked through the week and my thought process while it was happening. I told him about how it would ebb and flow and cycle so quickly. He kept asking me if this surprised me. well, yeah, it does! I'm better than that. My thought were ones of "I am so tired of fighting" I listed off a number of stupid fights that were headed my way. I had actually not connected those to my stress and my suicidal thoughts. I knew that my insomnia was directly linked but not to what extent.
My therapist's assessment was that:
1) I don't really seem to know when my stress level is climbing and it doesn't usually send off alarms till I get to "11"
2)My lack of sleep has had a HUGE bearing in my ability to process and deal with my stressors
3) S's emails were not good for me and was a huge contributor to all of this.
4) EMDR has poked a hole in my 'box'. That is to say, I can't use my old coping mechanisms because we've started the integration process and things won't go back the way they were. We have to press forward. He kind of apologized for that.
5) The past two weeks I've only had one session per week. He believed that having two is important since I seem to need the support.
Talked back through my nightmares. He was surprised that it wasn't about specifics we had worked on with EMDR but guessed that the more immediate threat that I felt (that S was out to get me) would more than explain that.
He promoted more self care. (HAAHAHAHA) and took a jab at my age (which made us both laugh) and told me to figure out when I really DO need to pull back and learn to go home early. Bad ass or no.
We moved my schedule around again. No more Saturdays(which weren't working for me anyway) but we are still on a two-a-week schedule: Mondays and Fridays. So now I am really looking at about 3 days between each session, unlike my Saturday to Wednesday stretch. I can't describe how that makes me feel: it's somewhere between being completely grateful and relieved to disappointed in myself and ashamed that I need two a week. I am nothing if not diametrically opposed to help.
Talked about T's observations of my weakness and my therapist pointed out that the things T had done were done in compassion: leaving the room and deflecting people so I could get my shit together, hanging the sledgehammer on the wall, etc. I am very much alone out here. I feel it every day. Then there was the gentle nudge from my therapist to make friends. Someone I could really confide in and talk to and do shit with. He said he understood it was safer since my trust had been violated so many times to stick to being alone but it wasn't doing me much good and he pointed out (as though he was sitting inside my head) how lonely I am. "It might be safer but it's sad and lonely in there".
Easier said than done. I understand it but I don't make friends easily or quickly.
I watched a YouTube video that I had watched many times before about the way that Facebook was making us more lonely. I'm not sure if I want to reopen my Facebook account, at least not for now. I don't know that it attributed to it but I know it didn't help. There were all these people on Facebook and I didn't really feel like I could tell any of the 200 or so people, listed as friends that I was about to kill myself. Of course, I couldn't tell any one in real life either. In many ways, I felt more alone than I ever had the last time I looked at Facebook.
I doubt anyone on there really misses me anyway.
With everyone having 200+ "friends" no one will notice that my name doesn't pop up anymore.
In all it was an ok session. The biggest part is he isn't putting me in the hospital or even discussing it. We both know I need the sessions to be safe for now (again, I can't describe the terrible feeling of self loathing that puts in the pit of my stomach) and he seems to have some sort of plan of action. It was, indeed, a huge risk on my part to tell him about the almost attempt. It wasn't supposed to be a test but I suppose it was and he passed. I feel I can trust him more. And whether he was aware of it or not, I was aware that I made eye contact with him several times. I tried. I needed to see if I could trust him with what I had told him and I can.
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