The Anger Never Stops

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I only realized that there was something going on that was more than I could handle about a year ago when my husband suggested we needed marriage counseling because I was angry all the time. I was so surprised because I wasn't angry at him at all. I have been working on it for a year and I know it will take a lot of time, but the anger still surprises me.

Today we went out to look for curtain rods. A nice family of 4 running a quick errand. The temper tantrum of the 5 year old and my reaction to the box knocking over while consoling my 2 year old should have been enough warning. I was ready to cry and I HATED my life at that moment. All because my 5 year old was crying and screaming and I was so sick of running into boxes since we aren't unpacked from moving yet. My 2 year old's crying is a major trigger as well.

But we did go out and I should have just gotten back in the car when the 5 year old started whining that he couldn't walk into the store. I can't focus when my kids are crying and whining. So as we were contemplating curtain rods, I told my husband that we needed to make a decision quickly because I was about to lose it. 30 seconds later, I yelled at my 5 year old and set both kids off. Loud wails and crying could be heard throughout the fancy curtain store.

I was angry at the world and just wanted everything to be okay. On the car ride home, I wondered, would they be better off without me. I know my husband is still mad because he's silently moody this afternoon. But I am tired of apologizing for the anger that I have no control over. I continue to strive to have control over it, but I am not very good at that yet. I hate feeling so lost and overwhelmed.

 

[Rizen]

I feel angry a lot. Some days I wake up extremely irritable, sometimes things trigger me. It's hard to focus or do creative things when I'm in a bad mood, which I hate.

Exercise can be a good way to deal with it. Even if I'm still mad after going for a jog, at least I got a good workout in. Talking about what makes me angry can help me release it in a good way. We need to get the anger out but there are positive ways to somewhat do this.

Another thing that can help is to take care of myself when I need to. I feel like I constantly need to accomplish things or I'm wasting my life but sometime I need to sharpen the saw.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks for you thoughts. I am struggling to find the balance between how to take care of myself and how to work and raise a family. I know I have too much going on, but I don't know what to do about it. I also have a hard time remembering that I am not the person I was before and when I see these warning signs, I should not push myself. But then I don't want to "admit defeat" or let anyone down. I have started to include exercise into the mix of life and I have a basketball to bounce when I can to ease anger.

 

[Caterpillar]

I was angry at the world and just wanted everything to be okay. On the car ride home, I wondered, would they be better off without me.

I feel like this a lot. I also get angry at my family for no good reason sometimes, with anger that's almost impossible to completely control. I usually try to distract myself with something calming, like reading or computer games until the anger passes. Obviously sometimes that's not practical or the person making you angry just won't stop, though.

I don't personally find that exercise is a whole lot of help, though I know it relaxes sone people. For me, it just gives me time to stew about what's making me angry because it's not mentally distracting enough.

 

[franciemarnie]

You must come first or there will be no you for your family.

I have had nuclear rage a lot in my life. Exercise is the best and first go-to for me. It gets rid of the explosive anger so it is manageable.

You cannot help what you feel, but you can help what you do with it. Find a way to safely release the energy. If you can take a walk for half an hour every day alone, I am telling you it will for sure help. Listen to your favorite music. I also have a punching bag on a stand alone base. It is a tremendous help when I feel violent.

Can you get a half an hour alone? Will your husband watch the kids? Or someone else? You must do this for you.

They will not be better off without you. You must find a way to release trauma energy. Somatic release is my other great assist.

Trauma in the body will not go away unless it is let out. There is no talking cure and time will not heal this wound nor does self control erase the damage. Make a healthy change and you will feel it.

 

[arfie]

My first steps toward getting my own anger under control was thinking of it in physical terms. Here is a source which describes the chain reaction far more simply and clearly than I can.

http://urbanext.illinois.edu/familyworks/anger-01.html

I found the physiology far easier to understand than the complex psychology of it. Once I was able to recognize my physical responses, I was able to work on those and save the psychological discourse for professionally guided moments. The children who kept following my lead seemed to understand it better, too.

Just me...

Gentle support while you sort through yours. It is confusing stuff...

 

[purpleygoodness]

I feel like this at times, too. When things get overwhelming I can feel the tension building and know I need to cancel or adjust plans that I can and do something to get the angries out so it doesn't continue to build. After I am able to move through the anger I have a good crying spell and I am not feeling irritable or angry for quite a while.

When I can get alone time I try multiple things. If it is from mental loops or shame I write a letter to the person, event, or my own inner critic and tell them everything I want to say to them. Then destroy it. Or do CBT worksheets. If no one is nearby at home, I scream into a pillow or punch it. If I am out and about and can get 5 minutes in a bathroom stall I clench all of my muscles tight and hold as long as I can and relax and then do it again and try to breathe the tension out. I use fists of anger yoga methods with breathing or EFT at home.

I work on radical acceptance and forgiveness of myself first because the shame and self punishment is what eats at me the most for being angry and seems to just feed it. Some days there is no getting out of it and I have to ride through it as best I can and apologize, especially after a huge flashback episode. I've gotten better about not saying anything when I get angry but it still slips sometimes. I remind myself my anger is not who I am. It is the trauma talking. It is the pain talking. I am okay. I breathe counting to slow it down and start looking at where I am and focus on little details or in my heart. I tell it to stop until it does. Anything to neutrally stop the thought loops that feed the panic and anger sensations.

Sometimes I can shift it into a neutral sensation by focusing on the sensations and intending it to become neutral visualizing the anger dissolving and washing away Sometimes nothing works but I try anyway. I've found that the sooner I catch the signs of a sensitive or angry day and can address them even if it is late at night after caring for my daughter, the sooner the cascade effect stops. I've had days that I felt my family would be better off without me, too. But then it all settles down and gets stabilized and I can have a couple of great years with only a few flashbacks, panic attacks, and social anxiety issues. Almost myself again. I remember it is possible to stabilize and keep going because it is worth it. I am worth it. My family is worth it.

I understand how you feel. I hope it is not intrusive to share this with you and send you a virtual hug.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thank you for those thoughts Francimarnie (I hope I got that right). I try to remind myself of the fact that I need to take care of me of there will be no me for them, but then I feel guilty when I take the time for me. I can get some time alone and I do quite frequently. I just have trouble believing that it's okay to not do everything that is planned and realize that pushing through never works.[DOUBLEPOST=1400376222,1400375967][/DOUBLEPOST]It is so nice to know that I am not alone and I thank you all for you suggestions and kind thoughts.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm in a similar boat. My kids are almost 4 and 6. Oof. It... is really hard some days.

The big deal for me is: ok, sometimes I lose it and yell when I shouldn't. I *always* apologize. I *always* tell them that it is *my* fault I lost control and I'm really sorry I wasn't a better mommy in that moment.

Also: my husband is totally used to me suddenly abandoning him and saying, "I will be back!" I give myself a few minutes to walk around and calm down however I need to before I walk back to the screaming kids and the poor suffering husband. Then I have the ability to be more calm and kind of "rescue him" and he looks to me with gratitude for coming back.

Obviously that doesn't work when I'm alone with my kids. I have learned that it is better to bail on plans early than get in too deep when I'm alone.

Parenting is rough. It's triggering all the gosh darned time. But I feel like it's really good for me. I'm having to learn the other side of the problems I've had.

I have more compassion for my mom now. I can't believe she was as nice as she was given what happened to her. Yet... I want to have a better relationship with my kids. So I always apologize. Even when they are little. They expect to be treated with dignity because I've taught them that.

Parenting is so hard.

Feel free to vent here. We understand. :) No judgment.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

The big deal for me is: ok, sometimes I lose it and yell when I shouldn't. I *always* apologize. I *always* tell them that it is *my* fault I lost control and I'm really sorry I wasn't a better mommy in that moment.

I always apologize to my kids. I try to explain things as best I can to my oldest who has suffered a great deal in the last 2 years because of me. Sometimes when I snap at my husband I don't want to apologize because in the moment I feel like he should have been doing more to help. He doesn't recognize the signs and I make the bad choice of trying to push through things in order to help him. I don't want him to be stuck dealing with two crying kids alone. Yet I am no help once I push myself too far. I did apologize to everyone and my husband said exactly what I know- he feels so helpless because he doesn't know what to do once that happens.

 

[rightkindofme]

Whereas I have no shame about dumping two crying kids on my husband. :) I handle two crying kids all day by myself. He can have a turn. :)