Just a vent - triggers never stop

I was diagnosed with C-PTSd last April. I am a childhood trauma they say survivor, but I don't think so. A resident where I live had some kind of loud fan that caused vibration in my bedroom. My bed vibrated so much I had severe sleep deprivation and chronic stress. I made tenant complaints forms out against this person and they were ignored. Two and a half months into this excruciating existence, I noticed odd behaviors. I would just stare, what I think now was dissociation. C-PTSD is the worst illness I have ever experienced. I've never had a good self-image or self-esteem. I have high anxiety. I still have to live in the same place and the same tenant slams doors and has a fan with a lower vibration. Because of the hell I went through last February through June...the noise and vibration have me stressed and trying not to get angry...since we have no emotion regulator it is not easy. I immediately started reaching out to stop his bullying, yes this is on purpose, but I am finding that powers that be will not listen to me complain of the same thing...that destroyed me and broke my brain. I have noise-canceling headphones on right now and I can still hear the noise and feel the vibration in my living room. He loves to turn whatever the machine is on high...then off then med then high. This is a game to him. He causes me to be hypervigilant by starting me by slamming his door. I sit here in fear. My place is soothing full of plants, and calming, I diffuse oils, and I deep breathe. I do everything that we are supposed to do but if the triggering never stops, I feel like I will end up in the psyche ward some days. I have read everyone's posts and have felt the same at one time or another. My family cannot handle this c-ptsd and has vanished. Not all of them, but enough. I wish all of you better days..I wish I knew how to get them to you and myself. Thank you for letting me vent Hugs Laurie
 
I was diagnosed with C-PTSd last April. I am a childhood trauma they say survivor, but I don't think so. A resident where I live had some kind of loud fan that caused vibration in my bedroom. My bed vibrated so much I had severe sleep deprivation and chronic stress. I made tenant complaints forms out against this person and they were ignored. Two and a half months into this excruciating existence, I noticed odd behaviors. I would just stare, what I think now was dissociation. C-PTSD is the worst illness I have ever experienced. I've never had a good self-image or self-esteem. I have high anxiety. I still have to live in the same place and the same tenant slams doors and has a fan with a lower vibration. Because of the hell I went through last February through June...the noise and vibration have me stressed and trying not to get angry...since we have no emotion regulator it is not easy. I immediately started reaching out to stop his bullying, yes this is on purpose, but I am finding that powers that be will not listen to me complain of the same thing...that destroyed me and broke my brain. I have noise-canceling headphones on right now and I can still hear the noise and feel the vibration in my living room. He loves to turn whatever the machine is on high...then off then med then high. This is a game to him. He causes me to be hypervigilant by starting me by slamming his door. I sit here in fear. My place is soothing full of plants, and calming, I diffuse oils, and I deep breathe. I do everything that we are supposed to do but if the triggering never stops, I feel like I will end up in the psyche ward some days. I have read everyone's posts and have felt the same at one time or another. My family cannot handle this c-ptsd and has vanished. Not all of them, but enough. I wish all of you better days..I wish I knew how to get them to you and myself. Thank you for letting me vent Hugs Lauri

I haven't ever posted or responded on this forum and this post is a few months old but I just went through this exact thing to point I was detained on 7 day involuntary mental health hold....my own father did this "game" for months. I thought his first attempts were trivial and childish. Sarcastically in my head thinking "wow, you sure showed me."


Example, the living room shares a wall with my bedroom and where my dad would sit all day from morning till night was on the couch literally 3 feet from my door. When in my room I stayed silent. I didn't want to give him ANYTHING to be upset at me for. I would put my noise canceling headphones in same as you stated you do. Well I wish I would have kept mine in all the time but my blood would boil and my curiosity would make me listen to see how long he was going to act like a child. Sometimes he would go on for hours. I digress and back to an example.

I would be in my room and I'm not exaggerating here, every single time I made a noise of any kind, he would mute the tv making the house fall silent. He watched movies all day long while smoking weed and thinking of new ways to torment me. But he watched his movies loudly and sharing a wall with the living im hearing it at the same volume he is. But he's close to my door so if I would shift my body while wearing my coat it would make a sound, he would mute the TV for maybe a few seconds. Then he would variably turn up and down the volume if he suspected he heard a sound but wasn't sure...at first I thought it was so petty and immature....well when that goes on for months with a consistency that feels too perfect....he never missed an opportunity to do it...he was dedicated if anything...it started to grate on me real bad and that was only one of his many games.

He would(on my nights before work) scratch softly at my door from the couch. Probably using a stick or something to reach from his spot on the couch. Every 5 minutes with sickening consistency...when confronted he gaslight the hell out of me saying "maybe its your dog, he sleeps against that door you know" to which I told him I know what it sounds like when it's my dog. It's a completely different sound and happens maybe twice a day. Not every 5 minutes. He maintains it wasn't him and he has no clue what could cause a sound like that literally reaching for Google for an answer. He was really playing the part.

I'll give one more that is really really insidious. We have separate bathrooms. Mine downstairs his on the main level. He started waiting till I took a shower and would crank the hot water on upstairs on any of the faucets he could which in turn made my shower go ice cold. He would then do the opposite. Eventually he upped his game because I held strong and didn't go to him complaining about it. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. What does he do? Cranks the hot water heater to maximum. Found out beforehand when I went to do dishes in a sink I have used absolutely thousands of times over 15 years so you kinda get to know and understand your sink and what Temps it runs at. While doing the dishes I scalded my hand so bad under the hot water I genuinely thought I burnt myself to a blister..one never formed but the pain was excruciating...well he decided to do his shower thing when I went to take a shower and he cranked down all the cold water and my shower water turned into what felt like boiled water....it shocked me and actully put me in horrible pain...couldn't prove it was him....but it left burn marks...

I stopped wanting to shower entirely...went from one a day or every other day to maybe....MAYBE once a week....and even on those days he would mess with the water without fail....
These plus so many more mind games. None I could prove but I KNEW it was him. Nothing can be as consistent as that and be called weird coincidence. I did though start questioning my sanity at the end
..maybe he's right and I'm stressed out and it's manifesting in weird ways. Maybe it is me just being paranoid....no clue how he got me to question myself because hindsight it was painfully obvious he was gaslighting me...

Finally after 3 months and starting a new job that I really wanted and worked hard to be accepted at...my stress boiled over and I started screaming at the top of lungs by the door where I knew he was hovering or sitting...I screamed and yelled and made the mistake of making a physical threat that I was going to hit him. I called the cops in a panic. ME, I called them. They get there and ask me what's going on and I'm a grown man in tears. I started to give them my story but realized halfway through the word's sounded crazy leaving my lips....i stopped talking and started searching thier faces for any type of belief of what I just told them....they of course had probing questions....all of which were questions that implied I was the issue not him...things like "what have you had to eat today, how much sleep am I getting at night, do I do drugs or hear voices, do I have a mental health diagnosis"....

It completely and horribly shattered me....I realized how clever he was....how insidious and disgusting he was....they asked no questions regarding him as the issue...not one...all 3 cops were being "sensitive" giving me one canned response after another. I felt helpless....labled as paranoid and crazy....I felt isolated and betrayed....worst of all I questioned my sanity and got close to believing he was the victim....my head is beyond messed up from this experience. I'll skip the rest of the story to the end. I was asked to accompany a mental health professional and two cops to the hospital to do a mental health evaluation. Hell yes if it gets me away from him ill gladly go. I do remember asking and being worried how long it would take because it was my first day off and I was exhausted. I was hoping maybe an hour or two tops....

I get told to put on hospital scrubs and got lead to a solitary small room...a glorified prison cell with a TV as its only disguise to suggest its not a prison cell. The doors locked from the outside....she blast me with questions that I answered calmly, rationally, with undeniable seriousness in my voice....her face was bunching up in an attempt at appearing like she was listening intently and understanding. Occasional nodding eagerly to really give it that final touch....finally I felt heard, sane, like I was going to have a doctors note saying I'm completely mentally sound. Instead I waited a hour and a half for her to do her report and come back with a decision. She hands me a stack of papers and says she is placing me on a 5 day involuntary hold that has the potential to go to a maximum of 120 days....

I felt sick....my whole life I have done everything I can to never experience some type of incarceration....my criminal record doesn't even have a parking ticket on it...I didn't want a record....so being told my freedom was just taken away from me....with knowing I was sane and my dad was playing everyone getting them to side with him when he's the one who smokes weed from wakeup to fall asleep and watching TV or movies and doing nothing else....while I'm working and being responsible trying to get out of his house into my own again asap....and he won....

He got me detained...had to stay the night at the hospital and an ambulance picked me up at 630am. They had me lay on a stretcher then buckled me head to tow so I was totally restrained....treating me like a threat...like an animal when I have never been violent in my life....get loaded on an ambulance and told I'm going to a town 4 hours away to be held at a mental health center....me and one of the EMT talked at length about my situation and out of all the people I dealt with through the whole process those two emt were the nicest....they made me feel heard and sane and I'm a person who hyperfocuses on people's body language and facial expressions. I believe I'm capable of spotting genuin understanding and sympathy over forced or fake. These two made me feel heard. An hour into the ride one of them said "you seem super calm, rational, able to self reflect and have an impressive level of self awareness so I'm going to undo the restraints and let you feel a little more human. They apologized and I told them I understood. They had no clue if I was violent or not. If I would attack them so it's better to be cautious. They undid my several belt buckles and we pulled off to a rest stop (in scrubs still mind you) to get snacks and use the bathroom. They allowed me to go in without being escorted. They let me be a weird human in scrubs who was free. Get the the place and I'll cut this story short I can go on forever but it was awful....did my time and came back. The entire experience has twisted me in horrible ways....im only one week out of that place....it cost me my job that I was so thrilled to have...it cost me so much....my own father did this...and when I thought for sure he would stop it before it went too far out of guilt....he Instead would double down telling everyone he hasn't slept because my screaming is still echoing in his brain....it sickens me no one sees him putting on a show....my dad fears nothing. Nothing he's ever told anyone anyway. Always portrayed as the calm collected unflinching one and my family forgets that somehow when he's acting like because I yelled it shook him to his core and they all give me looks that could kill and giving him unlimited sympathy saying it's so sad he's putting you through this when you gave him a place to stay when he needed it....it's a 4 bedroom 2 bath house....he wasn't exactly breaking his back to find room for me. I was paying rent. Cleaning up after myself, working full time, and being silent when not at work so I wouldn't upset him....I get it was never his responsibility to let me stay there and I showed gratitude every day....

He has the world on his side and I'm the crazy one who's paranoid and trying to manipulate my dad to stay there longer.....like what the actual F.....im now staying in my car. Homeless and he hasn't reached out once except when I asked him to please bring my clothes and some belongings to me...which he waited till the following day to do....he doesn't do shit all day and somehow now he's just swamped with being busy to where he cant meet me 5 blocks away to give me my clothes when I have been wearing the same ones for over a week....and when he brings them he talks to me like we're old buddy's. Pointing out cool cars and being just overall in a bubbly mood when I just went through psychological hell because of him and will be twisted for years to come over this....I was innocent....they all say that I know but I know in my heart, my gut and my instinct that he gaslight me like no other and left me to have my freedom involuntarily taken from me....I panicked but it never showed on me...I had to maintain my naturally calm and rational personality. The moment I show a hint of anything else is when I lose everything.....I needed them to see I was perfectly sane....which it was exactly what they told me I was with enthusiasm. Yet even them telling me I'm totally fine mentally. Telling me I have great coping skills, self awareness, I'm good in conversation being soft spoken and polite but also confident....they gave me nothing but praise wondering how I ended up there....I dare not repeat my story to them. I would have instantly been seen as they were expecting....paranoid, crazy, delusional....I kept my composure...

I don't know how to get passed what I have experienced and gone through the last 3 months....im still living in my car...can't sleep so I typed this....if you somehow made it this far then i hope your outcome was better than mine....my heart breaks for you and your experience being something I can emphasize....I have never felt so isolated and helpless....hopefully you found a different way to get away than I did.....
 

2025 Donation Goal

Help Keep MyPTSD Alive! Our annual donation goal is crucial to continue providing support. If you find value in our resource, please contribute to ensure we remain online and available for everyone who needs us.
Goal
$1,600.00
Received
$480.00
30%

Trending content

Featured content

Back
Top