The Angry-about-sex Thread

[Mehav]

It's an integral part of sex to want in the first place.

Dang, if that doesn't sum up my problem in a nutshell right there. I feel really, really, really guilty for wanting anything. Way to put your finger on it, there, anonymous hexagonal-type person.

 

[Mehav]

Wow way to blame women!

I disagree! I've tried to be assertive and say what I want, and get confronted with a wall!

I have met that wall and slammed my nose on it repeatedly. After a while, you lose the will to keep trying to explain what you want and just give them whatever and try to enjoy it as best you can.

I think men in general (I know there are specific exceptions, so don't blow your top) don't like to think about relationship stuff. And sex is "relationship stuff." They don't like to think about how to make it better, if there are problems that could be solved or things that could be adjusted. They like an hour post-game football show to discuss mistakes in the game, but getting one to analyze a sexual encounter for problems/ mistakes/ areas that need improvement is like trying to get an elephant seal into a volvo.

 

[Mehav]

What intriges me is that this is one of the first threads I've found that seems to be accepting that people with a past of sexual linked abuse (childhood or rape) can continue to have and build a healthy sex life. I think that's really positive - I was starting to feel like a weirdo.

I believe that it is possible. I've believed that with a good deal of faith for years, sort of like the way I tried to believe in Santa for a long time. I just refuse to accept that they could have stolen/hijacked my sexuality, too. And I've been willing to fight through a lot of garbage to keep it.

But I'm afraid I have to acknowledge that it's been twisted by what I experienced. If I hadn't been sadistically abused and raped as a child, I doubt I would have ended up a masochist. Or as promiscuous as I was. Or a lot of things.

That being said, though... what I'm trying to do is deal with what I have right now. I can't go back and fix the past. I have to try to come to an accommodation with what I have to work with in the present day. And I may be warped, but I'm not out of the game. (sort of the sexual version of the para-olympics? ;))

I know some people were abused so badly and for so long, they don't even really have that left. Which is very sad. And I think everyone who has endured childhood sexual abuse has a problem that even adult survivors don't have. We don't have the same framework of understanding that other people do. Young children cope with things beyond their understanding by using "magical thinking." They invent a story or explanation to make sense of what is happening to them. And that story, that framework, becomes the basis of their understanding of sex, their own sexuality, and relationships. Because of the way it was formed, it's going to be a little strange. And it's such a hard area for people to talk about, too.

 

[Uput]

Way to put your finger on it, there, anonymous hexagonal-type person.

OMG, that's funny. :roflmao:

 

[Bawu]

And I think everyone who has endured childhood sexual abuse has a problem that even adult survivors don't have. We don't have the same framework of understanding that other people do. Young children cope with things beyond their understanding by using "magical thinking." They invent a story or explanation to make sense of what is happening to them. And that story, that framework, becomes the basis of their understanding of sex, their own sexuality, and relationships. Because of the way it was formed, it's going to be a little strange. And it's such a hard area for people to talk about, too.

I think a LOT of people don't understand this. It just hit me today that I lost my virginity before I even knew what being a virgin was! Talk about mind blowing... If I ever get married, I'm ix-naying the white dress. God, I'd feel like a fraud...

But yes, childhood sexual abuse is a whole 'nother can of worms. There is no framework. My framework is a nebulous blob of jello! And I don't mean to be comparative, but it's not even something that survivors of adult rape can understand. (OK, don't get all huffy on me out there!)

 

[Mehav]

There is no framework. My framework is a nebulous blob of jello!

No, I think you're right. But I also think you can construct your own framework. It just takes a lot of work. Reading, watching, looking, comparing, asking, and thinking. What is sex to you? What is it for? Why do people do it? How can it help/hurt? How does it change relationships? How does it make you feel?

I can remember the day that I realized that about virginity, too. Virginity, purity... never had it. All my "innocent" childhood games were clouded with violent sexuality. I guess it's why so many sexually abused girls become promiscuous, or even become prostitutes or nude dancers or stuff. The warped sex stuff is part of your brain almost from the beginning. Rooting it out is more work than getting dandelions out of your lawn.

I got married in blue. I didn't even feel like I deserved any flowers, but on the day of my wedding, a snowdrop bloomed out of season by my front step. I pinned it to my shoulder. It felt like a gift... a delicate, pure-white flower. We DID have innocence. We did.

 

[Carav]

Yep, you did have innocence. And I'd agree with 'Bawu' that there is a lot of difference between childhood sexual abuse and adult rape - no huffiness here! I think there may be some cloudiness about age (adolescent?) and still abuse of power and control though. And there is I think the loss of innocence in that you think that your body is yours unless you choose to share it - that's an illusion.

Frameworks are tough. I mean - what's 'normal'? It's not like we're comparing sponge cake recipes where people are ok to admit they have their own family secret recipe that's guarenteed sucess. Sex wise many people won't even admit to making a mix let alone share what their own recipe is......So you wind up just with the ' special recipes' of the most confident and flambouyant who are willing to actually share. Kind of like looking for lemon cup cakes and being inundated with gateux recipes.....you're never going to feel like your cup cakes match up, however good they are.

It's interesting to remember that early sexual activity and promiscuity can come from neglectful backgrounds as well as sexual abuse.

 

[Gikih]

I made no personal attacks on you, yet you call me UGLY...?!?

I said your comment was ugly. If you can't even read my words right then I'm not going to bother continuing this with you.

Thank God this forum is anonymous....then again, I probably already have you blocked on the non-anon forums as I don't have these difficulties with anyone out there!

I wish you could block me, so I wouldn't have to read your UGLY comments anymore.

 

[Onoru]

Well that's not how the forum works.

Person "A" blocks person "B" and thus person "A" can't see person "B". You have it backwards.

I bet you dollars to donuts I do have you blocked out on the main forum! (Hint hint, I wouldn't have responded to any of your posts...)

 

[Akuc]

Completely honest, never known anyone else in bed but the one I married, I've had sex with ONE person for 16 years of my life and I got vanilla! I wasn't naive or anything when I gave it up, I knew about kink and other things, hell my parents were pretty open about talking sex with us, they tried to maintain the adult boundary but still, I knew and heard things growing up that intrigued me......and I ended up with Vanilla.

I've tried adding spice. I have. He shuts down, he says things that hurt me and when I try to talk it out, he tells me point blank to stop. I feel bad about wanting sex. He makes me feel bad about wanting sex! I always knew it was an issue with him, but I figured with time we'd work it out - a month into our relationship he pushed me away and called me insatiable!! He won't talk about sex, he hates 'dirty' jokes, he won't play.....I've been grabbed by the wrists when I've pushed the play with him too far and told like a bad child, "Stop!" It scared me, it was pure anger. He won't watch porn movies with me - he gets angry and tells me to stop it, it's not funny. I put on a sexy nightie and he'll grab his ipod or put on a movie and ignore me, he'll shut down completely like I'm not even there! 16 years of marriage and I don't know what his issue with sex is.....yet when he wants it, I take it because I get so little and it's Vanilla, boring like I'm not even there - he even closes his eyes and won't touch me!!

I hate to admit it, I've done online sex with strangers. It makes me feel bad about me. It makes me feel like I'm cheating. Hell, I've thought about seriously cheating with a friend of mine! I just want someone who will want me, desire me and will play and be as into it as I am. Sex should not be a bad thing! Oddly this had nothing to do with me having been traumatized - the issue existed BEFORE that time!!!!! :mad:

 

[Cukiv]

Oh God, Akuc, I could've written your post. S*cks doesn't it....