It's too bad that I missed a few weeks of discussions when I first joined. I recently entered a major depressive state of mind and I am struggling to overcome it.
Sept. 1st was the anniversary of the "attack" as I have dubbed it. It has been 14 years now and I remember some things clearly while other things are completely gone. I was 6 at the time.
I would like to take a minute to describe my feelings and problems and would hope that you have some constructive criticism to provide.
I have been seeing a counselor for a few months now, but I always derail the subject and avoid any important aspects. However, recently I have realized that I enjoy cutting, it's not just a comfort anymore. I needed to get 12 stitches today, but I really see nothing wrong with it. I don't understand what it is exactly that makes it wrong. I know that it is a coping method, but it damages my body, but drugs and alcohol are also coping methods that damage the body. In fact, in my eyes they are worse because they are permanent and more than just superficial. Despite this, it seems I receive far more criticism.
However, I'm proud of my scars, they mean something to me. I seem to listen to a certain song while I cut which is titled "The Weak Willed" by All That Remains. If you look up the lyrics you might possibly see why I listen to this. I feel like cutting is an affirmation of existence and my strength, but I feel weak.
Embarrassingly, I usually cry while I cut and I think about the best things and worst things in my life. I feel like the only good things I have had were described to me from when I was 1-5(Somewhat normal family at the time). However, I do not recall anything earlier than the attack. Recently I can say that my life is not bad. I don't see my family, I'm in college, and I might get a better job.
I still seem to dwell on my past though, and without fail, every anniversary I've been sent to the hospital at least once. I'm still stressed, scared, tired, lonely, and miserable though.
I push people away and I have problems with long term relationships. I'm not motivated and I would rather sit alone in my room than be with somebody I care about. When I am with someone I care about, I feel betrayed and jealous. I feel so distant despite being so close. I am hurt when I am around them. I haven't seen any old friends(>1 year) in about a year now.
I feel like I'm in a pit that I'm digging with my own hands.
Sept. 1st was the anniversary of the "attack" as I have dubbed it. It has been 14 years now and I remember some things clearly while other things are completely gone. I was 6 at the time.
I would like to take a minute to describe my feelings and problems and would hope that you have some constructive criticism to provide.
I have been seeing a counselor for a few months now, but I always derail the subject and avoid any important aspects. However, recently I have realized that I enjoy cutting, it's not just a comfort anymore. I needed to get 12 stitches today, but I really see nothing wrong with it. I don't understand what it is exactly that makes it wrong. I know that it is a coping method, but it damages my body, but drugs and alcohol are also coping methods that damage the body. In fact, in my eyes they are worse because they are permanent and more than just superficial. Despite this, it seems I receive far more criticism.
However, I'm proud of my scars, they mean something to me. I seem to listen to a certain song while I cut which is titled "The Weak Willed" by All That Remains. If you look up the lyrics you might possibly see why I listen to this. I feel like cutting is an affirmation of existence and my strength, but I feel weak.
Embarrassingly, I usually cry while I cut and I think about the best things and worst things in my life. I feel like the only good things I have had were described to me from when I was 1-5(Somewhat normal family at the time). However, I do not recall anything earlier than the attack. Recently I can say that my life is not bad. I don't see my family, I'm in college, and I might get a better job.
I still seem to dwell on my past though, and without fail, every anniversary I've been sent to the hospital at least once. I'm still stressed, scared, tired, lonely, and miserable though.
I push people away and I have problems with long term relationships. I'm not motivated and I would rather sit alone in my room than be with somebody I care about. When I am with someone I care about, I feel betrayed and jealous. I feel so distant despite being so close. I am hurt when I am around them. I haven't seen any old friends(>1 year) in about a year now.
I feel like I'm in a pit that I'm digging with my own hands.
