Ava Jarvis
Gold Member
Note: all letters mentioned below are not meant to be sent to the recipients.
I never did write a letter to my father or my mother telling them why I am highly disappointed in them, how they hurt me, and to generally get all the bad stuff out.
Anyways, I reject stuff that doesn't work for me. Maybe later I'll change my mind, but I'm getting less and less bothered these days if I do or not.
This morning I ran across one of the most heart-breaking moments from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:
And that is a better letter than any of the others. It is a better letter than "Here is why I am disappoint, father and mother." It is a better letter than, "Here's what little I can thank you for, father and mother." And it's a hella better letter than, "I forgive you for what you did to me, father and mother."
The best letter is the "I don't need you any f*cking more: here are all the things you never did for me and that I am doing for me or will do for me now, and here are all the bad things you did to me that I will not ever let into my life again" letter.
I think I'm gonna write one later. Maybe post it here, maybe post it to my diary.
Maybe I'll even hand-write it in my planner book afterwards.
Anyways, if anyone is into letters-never-sent-to-your-abuser(s) exercises, possibly this is a useful idea.
I never did write a letter to my father or my mother telling them why I am highly disappointed in them, how they hurt me, and to generally get all the bad stuff out.
Mostly because my business coach (who actually turned out not to be a business coach, thus I paid him thousands of dollars for nothing) told me that I also had to write letters thanking them for everything they gave me, and then to write letters forgiving them for the way they treated me.
What... Like... Does he not understand what "severe, insane levels of child abuse" mean?
Yes... Yes, he really does not understand what "severe, insane levels of child abuse" mean.
The thank you letter runs like this: "Thank you for giving birth to me. Thank you for not actually killing me those times you almost meant it (let's not talk about the times you failed because I escaped rather than relied on your often non-existent mercy)."
Like, I'm not sure he realized things like how my parents never read to me, how my mother used me as a human shield against my father and guilt-tripped me into believing protecting her was my duty, and of course how my father threatened me and nearly killed me several times over.
Anyways, the gist is that if I cannot, within me, find the grace to acknowledge the good things they did for me, however short the list, I will NEVER really heal or get past what they did to me, so I better get cranking on those letters.
After finding out that my business coach couldn't even talk me through the basics of running a freelancing business with clients, I fired him. In reality, I likely should have fired him earlier for this bullshit.
I do not really believe in forgiving fathers for attempting to kill their daughters. I know this is a controversial opinion. No, seriously, it is, apparently, to people who have never confronted the idea of violent abuse head on.
So anyways, I kind of discarded the letter idea. I mean, if I have to write 6 letters to heal, four of which praise my abusive parents, I think it's not for me and maybe it just won't work out.
What... Like... Does he not understand what "severe, insane levels of child abuse" mean?
Yes... Yes, he really does not understand what "severe, insane levels of child abuse" mean.
The thank you letter runs like this: "Thank you for giving birth to me. Thank you for not actually killing me those times you almost meant it (let's not talk about the times you failed because I escaped rather than relied on your often non-existent mercy)."
Like, I'm not sure he realized things like how my parents never read to me, how my mother used me as a human shield against my father and guilt-tripped me into believing protecting her was my duty, and of course how my father threatened me and nearly killed me several times over.
Anyways, the gist is that if I cannot, within me, find the grace to acknowledge the good things they did for me, however short the list, I will NEVER really heal or get past what they did to me, so I better get cranking on those letters.
After finding out that my business coach couldn't even talk me through the basics of running a freelancing business with clients, I fired him. In reality, I likely should have fired him earlier for this bullshit.
I do not really believe in forgiving fathers for attempting to kill their daughters. I know this is a controversial opinion. No, seriously, it is, apparently, to people who have never confronted the idea of violent abuse head on.
So anyways, I kind of discarded the letter idea. I mean, if I have to write 6 letters to heal, four of which praise my abusive parents, I think it's not for me and maybe it just won't work out.
Anyways, I reject stuff that doesn't work for me. Maybe later I'll change my mind, but I'm getting less and less bothered these days if I do or not.
This morning I ran across one of the most heart-breaking moments from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:
And that is a better letter than any of the others. It is a better letter than "Here is why I am disappoint, father and mother." It is a better letter than, "Here's what little I can thank you for, father and mother." And it's a hella better letter than, "I forgive you for what you did to me, father and mother."
The best letter is the "I don't need you any f*cking more: here are all the things you never did for me and that I am doing for me or will do for me now, and here are all the bad things you did to me that I will not ever let into my life again" letter.
I think I'm gonna write one later. Maybe post it here, maybe post it to my diary.
Maybe I'll even hand-write it in my planner book afterwards.
Anyways, if anyone is into letters-never-sent-to-your-abuser(s) exercises, possibly this is a useful idea.
