The Big " I'm So Sorry .____" You Fill In The Blank :(

[jo may]

The Albatross (((hugs)))

It's not about being stronger or a better person, as your brave just by waking ans facing the world everyday.
I get everything you have said but you can't help being ill and neither can anyone else who suffers from this.

JM

 

[intothelight]

I am so sorry that I cannot get myself together enough to:

...be emotionally stable.
...keep the house up.
...be there for everyone when they need me.

Mostly I am just sorry.

 

[jo may]

I'm sorry I don't have many different faces.
I'm sorry you only feel comfortable picking on women and younger people.
I'm sorry I stood my ground.
I'm sorry I was bought up to be respectable to my elders.
I'm sorry I am proud of my parents.
I'm sorry I upset you by voicing my view.
I'm sorry I was so honested.
I'm sorry I don't care if I'm in your clicky club, after tonight I wouldn't want to be I was disgusted with it all.
I'm sorry I am not a sheep, I don't walk around barring at people and I have my own mind.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T LISTEN TO SEA, MUZ, SC, NH AND OTHERS, YOU WERE RIGHT BAD IDEA:mad:

 

[Srain]

I'M SO SORRY I CAN'T KEEP MY OPINIONS TO MYSELF...GEEEEEEEEEEEZZ

what a big mouth :(

i'm sorry...i'm not always meaning to spout off

 

[jo may]

(((Rain))) It's better to be honest and say what's on your mind, than it is to bottle it up.

 

[CraftyCath]

Oh no, I did it again!! :eek: After saying my T has an imaginary swear box for when I say sorry I've been an gone and done it again! Doh! I've managed not to say it since my last visit and this time I said it about 3 times in the first 5 mins of being in his office! I banged my arm which was hurting after my flu jab and said sorry, I said sorry for e-mailing him and I can't even remember what the 3rd one was!! He just smiled at me and I told him to ignore me as I knew I'd stop once I settled down and got over the nerves.

We had a good session with plenty of laughs! :D

 

[amethist]

Sarcastic I am sorry post.

I am sorry I have a cold and feel run down, exhausted from running round like a headless chicken for the last week, and asked you to make a drink for us both.

I will remember in future that your PTSD comes top priority every time, and I really should not have asked you to get off your idle butt this morning.

I am sorry for getting upset and annoyed when you said "But I am going to the loo".

Sorry I forgot you think I am your Skivvy. How wrong you are dear husband, you will now starve and be thirsty for the rest of day unless you get off your butt and do it yourself.

 

[kimba]

I'm sorry for being me. I am also over-apologising though it seems to happen more when i am tired or feeling vulnerable. I hate being a bother or burden to anyone so it comes with the territory.

 

[jo may]

I'm sorry you feel the need to treat me different now I have to use my crutches.
I'm sorry my being ill makes you feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry I can't always make my mask stick.
I'm sorry I hurt all over, everyday and I'm no fun now.
I'm sorry that every now and than I break and need to cry.

I'm sorry I thought you were a friend!!!

 

[Saphy]

To my ex-boyfriend of six years:

I'm sorry for not being able to tell anyone else about my issues except you.
I'm sorry that I used you at first but even more apologetic that I fell in love with you.
I'm sorry that I made it hard for us to end everything and walk away from the mess we left.
I'm sorry that we both turned into people we hate.
I'm sorry that I had to become indifferent and cold each time I threw you away.
I'm sorry that you never knew how hurt I was when you would throw me away.
I'm sorry that after the first year, I kept pushing for us.
I'm sorry that I taught you how to forget about your ex-gfs and then asked you to do the same with me.
I'm sorry that I just stood there and watched as you emotionally abused me and never thought to walk away.
I'm sorry that I made it okay for us to hurt each other and those around us.
I'm sorry that I constructed my own future out of the fragments you left... And I'm happy that I could finally leave you out of it.
--
To my parents:

I'm sorry that I may have caused you some disgrace.
I'm sorry that you felt the need to punish me every time something went wrong because you didn't know how to express yourself.
I'm sorry that you didn't realize until late that you had lost your daughter.
I'm sorry that every time you see a picture of me you can tell that I'm sad.
I'm sorry that you have to see me as the way I am.
I'm sorry that even though I try hard not to make a sound, you can still hear me crying at night.
I'm sorry that I scream every time we drive near the park.
I'm sorry that you forget what I can't.
I'm sorry that I can't take being a burden on you guys.
I'm sorry that I try to put myself in the hardest situations and never look to you guys for help.
I'm sorry I am so stubborn.
I'm sorry that I'm genetically not what you wanted.
I'm sorry that I might not have been what you wanted emotionally.
I'm sorry that you wanted me dead since your son got sick.
I'm sorry that at the age of eight you thought I was a burden.
I'm sorry that you couldn't handle a second kid.
I'm sorry that I'm the monster you crafted.
I'm sorry that now that I'm far away that I never call back.
I'm sorry I try so hard to forget you guys even exist.
I'm sorry that I still to this day punish myself like you guys did every time I'm disappointed in myself.
I'm sorry that I learned every bad habit from you guys.
I'm sorry that every time you tell me your sad stories I don't have an ounce of sympathy for you guys.
I'm sorry that even with all these complicated feelings, I know that I can't live without you dad. I know that you've hurt me so much but the only redemption is that you TRIED to fix it.
I'm sorry mom but I can never forgive you for all the psychological and emotional trauma you gave me because you were jealous that I survived.
I'm sorry mom that I will never let you come near my future kids and husband, because I really will never trust you and your words.
I'm sorry that I was such a mistake but I love you for being there to motivate me to leave.
I'm sorry for having to listen to me talk about how I too am slightly disabled though I may not be visually impaired like your son.
I'm sorry that you can't see past your own son to see that I may not be as normal as you think.
I'm sorry that you never could've imagined how much neglecting me could catch up with you.
I'm sorry that you can't recognize how much of a fighter I am.
I'm sorry that whenever you say sorry for hurting me that it means nothing to me anymore.
I'm sorry that I can no longer bear living at home since all I see is the nightmares you trapped me in.
I'm sorry that you decided it would be a great idea to abandon me after I got raped and go furniture shopping. I'm sorry that I ran after you and thought you would turn back when you heard me screaming and crying hysterically on the phone for you to come back.
I'm sorry that out of all the times I've cried myself to sleep, I've never been able to cry my soul out of me.
--
To my brother:

I'm sorry that I'm your sister.
I'm sorry that you can't see very well.
I'm sorry that you had to go through so much in high school and people kept on harassing you while you kept on laughing at yourself.
I'm sorry that I'm still here and you didn't get all the attention like you wanted.
I'm sorry that you almost lost your eyes at the age of 13.
I'm sorry that you had to hear that your own sister was raped at the age of 14.
I'm sorry that you had to watch your own mother and father beat your sister until blood was all over the floor.
I'm sorry that you had to see me cry every day I came back from school.
I'm sorry that you weren't around to see me through high school since you don't understand me anymore.
I'm sorry that you think that you can say hurtful things to me and get away with it.
I'm sorry, sincerely, that you're the favorite in the family because when mom and dad aren't here anymore, no one can save you from your vices.
I'm sorry that you may not see things around you clearly, but it's different when you can't control what you see and you're forced to see the worst parts of your past replay over and over
I'm sorry you don't see the nightmares I see every day. I wish you could, then you would know how much every negative word you say to me triggers so much hurt.
I'm sorry that I wasn't successful in running away and wanted to come back home since I didn't want to give up on our family.
I'm sorry that I didn't die since I wanted to live up to being a good daughter and sister. I really thought during the whole rape that as long as I make it alive my family will still respect me and be proud of me. I really did. I guess I thought wrong since everything changed so much.
I'm sorry that when you beat me up the night you heard I got raped that I actually told you what happened because I was so afraid.
I'm sorry that as my brother, you traumatized me so much from making your own sister tell you how a man violated her over many days.
I'm sorry that I lied to you to get you to stop asking me questions.
I'm sorry that in that moment, you couldn't see I was emotionally more hurt than I was physically.
I'm sorry that your curiosity clouded your judgement.
I'm sorry that you actually smiled when you found out what had happened to me because you felt I "deserved it."
I'm sorry that you saw me as some sort of competition since prior to the rape incidents and etc. I was almost perfect to everyone around me.
I'm sorry that I never pitied you for your poor eyesight since you never made any effort to fix it.
I'm sorry that to this day I have no respect for someone as lazy and heartless as you.
I'm sorry that you still think I'm a "disgrace to the family", "slut", "miserable bitch", "whore who should just drop dead"... I'm sorry that's all I am to you, because if you knew me as who I am you'd never let me give up on you.
I'm sorry that I've given up on you.
I'm sorry that it pains me to think of you as a brother. You disgust me.
--
To my classmates of my program:

I'm sorry that you have to see a fake side of me.
I'm sorry that I always fall off the face of this earth and distant myself.
I'm sorry that you all see me almost every day but don't know anything about me.
I'm sorry that I can't dare scream for help.
I'm sorry that I can't explain why I'm not around for weeks.
I'm sorry that I have to lie about how I feel every day.
I'm sorry I walk around like I'm at the top of the world when it's most likely I'm not.
I'm sorry that I make you curious about who I am and what my past was like.
I'm sorry I have high standards for myself that I don't meet.
I'm sorry that I am in the same college program as you guys but I don't seem to belong there since my PTSD has overwhelmed me.
I'm sorry that I was too stubborn to show you the real me but I plan to when I get on medications, get therapy and get some more group support from places like PTSDforum (yay).
I'm sorry that life is gonna get a hell of a lot more competitive and harder for you when I take the right steps towards coping with PTSD.
I'm sorry that I'll be taking your spot in residency as a successful neurosurgeon-in-training.
--
To myself:

I'm sorry that you aren't luckiest person I've ever met.
I'm sorry that I haven't been honest. :)
I'm sorry that I lost parts of you along the way and didn't have the courage to turn back.
I'm sorry that I've been so hard on you throughout this life.
I'm sorry that I buried all my problems in academics.
I'm sorry that after six years of being diagnosed, I never took any steps towards helping you until now.
I'm sorry that it's such a change, but I'm tired of suffocating and want to be myself again. I don't want to constantly be so scared of living. I don't want to be scared of closing my eyes and being trapped by nightmares/flashbacks anymore. I don't want to be scared of opening my eyes everyday and wondering why I'm still here. I don't want to feel like I have to run away every moment of my life but can't. I want to feel free of this disease. I want to take a breathe and not feel like I'm drowning.
I'm sorry that life might become more tough but I'll keep pushing you to express yourself.
I'm sorry that you might get very scared and feel very alone in the future until you can swim to the surface.
I'm sorry that it'll be disappointing when you put in every effort and things don't go the way they should, but just know I'll be there to pull you up every time you fall.
So are you ready to run this marathon?

-With love and care, yourself.

P.S. Wow i've never written this much about how I feel in my life. Really am happy. All thanks to this forum and the wonderful people here. Thank you so much for starting this forum Srain and for everyone who's been so supportive. <3 I may not know you, but you guys mean a lot to me. You guys essentially are giving me another chance at life.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Great thread, Rain!

I am one of the apologizing people too. My therapist always goes out of her way that I do not need to apologize to her for anything. We are just having a regular conversation. People interrupt and think of other things.

My list:
I am sorry for being on the face of the earth (and annoying everyone).
I am sorry for being alive.
I am sorry I can't mindread and needed to be punished.
I am sorry I was an embarrassment to my parents.
I am sorry I was not able to conform and catch up to my peers in the last 12 schools, which meant 12 languages plus the additional 3 taught in school in each country.
I am sorry I was a difficult kid and I made my parents go away when I was 9 years old and leave me in a foreign country.
I am sorry that everyone thought I was mentally retarded.
I am sorry for not speaking loud enough or too loud.
I am sorry that I sometimes can't do what my therapist wants me to do. Sometimes my flashbacks and dissociation take me away. When I apologize, she laughs and says: "Oh, now you are apologizing for having symptoms?"
I am sorry for not just being able to move through the PTSD and live my life to help others.
And oh so many more...

 

[Lieke]

I used to say sorry several times a day, untill my sister gave me a wake up call, and asked me why is was apologizing, with a big question mark in her eyes, I was apologizing for something i didn't do on purpose, but by accident. And reacted really heavy to it, almost cried.Now i try not to apologize. Ofcourse sometime i do, but i allways try to think, ok.. what just happened. ( redefining the moment) and is it ok to say sorry or not.. But still, as in right now, if i would tell my story to good friends, or be sad and tell the reason. Afterwards I'll be like, i am sorry i told you this, because i do not want to worry you/ burden you. But why would i say sorry right? So i prefer to keep everything to myself, well a lot, avoiding awkward moments.