This is a journal entry I was going to share with my doctor, but I may as well share it with you guys, first. It's about these episodes I've been having for a little over a year now. "He" refers to a certain part of me that I think is trying to cover up for someone or something.
"He" doesn't want me to tell you this, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
The episodes go like this. I start feeling like I'm coming down from the dissociative state, like I'm in my body again, and I can remember things more clearly. Then, for some reason, I start feeling overwhelmed. I'll squint my eyes, grimace, blink, whatever. I can't stop blinking. It's like, whatever it is I'm running from, it's right in front of me and I'm trying to shut it out, but there's nothing there. It's all in my head.
I feel ashamed, self-conscious, and too scared to move. I feel like if I say or do anything, it'll be the wrong thing. I don't even know what the "wrong thing" would be, but that's how I feel.
There's this really intense urge to hurt myself, either by physically injuring myself, or sabotaging myself in some way. "He" takes over, and tries to accomplish this, and sometimes succeeds. Other times, I win the fight and he goes away, but sometimes the fight can go on a while.
I may have already posted something like this. If I have, sorry. I'm just trying to understand what this is that I'm experiencing. I wonder if I'm just having seizures sometimes.
"He" doesn't want me to tell you this, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
The episodes go like this. I start feeling like I'm coming down from the dissociative state, like I'm in my body again, and I can remember things more clearly. Then, for some reason, I start feeling overwhelmed. I'll squint my eyes, grimace, blink, whatever. I can't stop blinking. It's like, whatever it is I'm running from, it's right in front of me and I'm trying to shut it out, but there's nothing there. It's all in my head.
I feel ashamed, self-conscious, and too scared to move. I feel like if I say or do anything, it'll be the wrong thing. I don't even know what the "wrong thing" would be, but that's how I feel.
There's this really intense urge to hurt myself, either by physically injuring myself, or sabotaging myself in some way. "He" takes over, and tries to accomplish this, and sometimes succeeds. Other times, I win the fight and he goes away, but sometimes the fight can go on a while.
I may have already posted something like this. If I have, sorry. I'm just trying to understand what this is that I'm experiencing. I wonder if I'm just having seizures sometimes.
