LhasaLover
Silver Member
Lately I have been feeling very tense, restless and unable to focus well. I'm working on self care and and being mindful but I wake up and find myself experiencing anxiety and on alert first thing in the morning, even if I wake up in the middle of the night.
Tonight I had a bit of an epiphany as to why I feel like I am walking on egg shells, quite simply because I am. A year and a half ago I was arrested under false pretense created by my mother, abuse. She tried to bail me out of jail after somehow displaying her superpowers. However, being her caretaker and sole financial supporter, she had no money to post as bail. After a meaningful chat with a woman who worked in the jail, I realized I could never be around my mother again. I had tolerated physical, emotional and finanical abuse... not to mention hours of abusive daily. As a result, I left the state as the only place I had to stay was with my father, who has always had a combustible temperament sometimes, particularly with me. My family had been discussing behind my back that my brother would move, my mother would follow him and I would live with my father. The real kicker about this plan was that my mother would take all the life savings I put into the house and my father and I had serious issues between us since he moved away 17 years ago. This plan was hatched after my mother's unsuccessful plan which was I, as an adult woman, live with my father and his wife and pay my mother's mortgage and expenses.
When I arrived here I had yet to be diagnosed with PTSD but the symptoms were acute. My mother had accused me of abusing her. While I had been abused verbally, physically and financially by my mother and brother, I am not a controlling person nor have attacked anyone. At times I would argue with them but never "win", I have since learned how not to get into such arguments.
My father had beat me twice when I was in my twenties, quite badly but with no broken bones. When I arrived at his house to stay with him, our relationship was the same, very combustible. Divorced from my mother, my father would say "you are just like your mother" in times of anger. While I do resemble my mother, it is a well known fact that we are indeed very different people. My mother can be quite malovent.
Anyhow, when I arrived to this home of my father's with great gratitude as I would have been homeless, it has been a difficult transition. At one point my father had words with me and before I knew it grabbed me by the throat over something to do with the television. He turned the volume up on the stereo as he went to attack me. He is in his 70's and I freed myself and turned the stereo off. He screamed, "She pushed me!" and called for his wife. It was very traumatic and I can remember him saying, "With your charges, who are they going to believe?" I realized then that I was not in a safe place at all. My PTSD was actute and I was panicked most of the time. A few more incidents occurred, I was labelled as the abuser by my father and stepmother who told everyone that I "made things up". People would come to the house and avoid me. I looked into places to go and could find nowhere. I really started to feel like I was losing my mind.
A while ago, I must have said something in a discussion which apparently had pushed a button. He got up with a wire office file folder holder and waved it in my face menacingly saying "he was protecting himself". I left the room. It was after that we entered therapy together. While his anger has improved, I do sympathize with him. My mother took all my money - a substantial amount, my life savings - which I sunk into her house so that it would not be foreclosed on. My mother in turn sold her home and took the proceeds and moved to where my brother moved to, Los Angeles. Eventually my work at home job ended, my unemployment stopped and I was financially dependent on my father. He lost his job. Since he has picked up part-time work but cannot afford to retire.
I am posting because I have noticed that there is so much stress in the house, that I find myself in a holding pattern waiting for the next blow up. The last blow up my father said that "I needed to hit rock bottom" and should find a shelter to go to. It took me a week and a half to start feeling even halfway functional after that. The therapist we see said that my father was just frustrated, blew up and said stupid things. (I really did not think it was great feedback by a therapist for anger control).
All this has been making it very challenging to get a job. I am actively networking an getting comfortable again with public speaking, all which encourages me greatly. Tonight I returned to the house and could tell that my stepmother was discontented (she tends to be a drinker so I never really know if I am taking it personally) and I realized that I am indeed in hypervigilant mode. It seems like the slightest thing I do can upset people and I am usually found in "my" bedroom if I am in this house. The guilt I have over being here is tremendous and I am highly motivated to move.
All my worldly possessions are in a storage locker across the country, many items like work clothing I need. While we have traveled back and I was allowed to take a small amount with me, most of the time is spent, per my father, donating items and collecting tax deduction forms from the Good Will which he planned on using for his taxes. This was very disappointing to me. I was told there was not room in the house for any of my possessions. He agreed that some items should be shipped but later told me it was not true, that I am making that statement up. Now I am told he will not lend me money to pay for the locker fee, unless I pay him back in one week's time while I secure a job. Now my stepmother is offerring to help and while I appreciate it, it makes me feel terribly uncomfortable as I should not be in their home still. I also have doubts this will be worked out and I simply will lose all my possessions. The cruelty of bringing me to the lockers to donate items and not allow me to ship anything back has been immensely painful for me. In addition, last visit my mother was calling my father, and demanding that he look for her things in my lockers (they basically dumped all my belongings with junk, dirty laundery, food and moldy and trash into industrial size bags in one of thetwo storage lockers, even emptying jewelry boxes so that their contents are scattered) and he dutifully searched for them and brought what he could back with him to ship to her.
I have been floundering, trying to understand PTSD, with my mother calling regularly (I do not answer). The charges against me have been dismissed. I really wish that the flood of fear, anxiety and panic I feel would stop overcoming me and I could look to the future. The situation would be so much better if I got a job already, but then instead of being positive, I fear it will not work out. I worry about my possessions, the unforseen, some kind of destructive act against me by my family, that will lead to my demise.
I apologize for the length of this post, but I am wondering if there is a way that I can cope with this hypervigilence which has me so keyed up lately. I have a friend that yells at me and tells me to stop, but of course that does not help. I'm going to keep active in my job search and keep pushing, but feeling ill at ease is getting me very tired. Even when I am in the house and super careful, there is usually feedback that I did something wrong. I find myself terrified of people here, I wish there was a way I could talk to myself to normalize my feelings about the situation and allow me to move forward. I even feel guilty for feeling terrified around them. At times it makes me feel like I should not exist. I see my therapist when I can, attend support groups and go to joint therapy with my father.
Tonight I had a bit of an epiphany as to why I feel like I am walking on egg shells, quite simply because I am. A year and a half ago I was arrested under false pretense created by my mother, abuse. She tried to bail me out of jail after somehow displaying her superpowers. However, being her caretaker and sole financial supporter, she had no money to post as bail. After a meaningful chat with a woman who worked in the jail, I realized I could never be around my mother again. I had tolerated physical, emotional and finanical abuse... not to mention hours of abusive daily. As a result, I left the state as the only place I had to stay was with my father, who has always had a combustible temperament sometimes, particularly with me. My family had been discussing behind my back that my brother would move, my mother would follow him and I would live with my father. The real kicker about this plan was that my mother would take all the life savings I put into the house and my father and I had serious issues between us since he moved away 17 years ago. This plan was hatched after my mother's unsuccessful plan which was I, as an adult woman, live with my father and his wife and pay my mother's mortgage and expenses.
When I arrived here I had yet to be diagnosed with PTSD but the symptoms were acute. My mother had accused me of abusing her. While I had been abused verbally, physically and financially by my mother and brother, I am not a controlling person nor have attacked anyone. At times I would argue with them but never "win", I have since learned how not to get into such arguments.
My father had beat me twice when I was in my twenties, quite badly but with no broken bones. When I arrived at his house to stay with him, our relationship was the same, very combustible. Divorced from my mother, my father would say "you are just like your mother" in times of anger. While I do resemble my mother, it is a well known fact that we are indeed very different people. My mother can be quite malovent.
Anyhow, when I arrived to this home of my father's with great gratitude as I would have been homeless, it has been a difficult transition. At one point my father had words with me and before I knew it grabbed me by the throat over something to do with the television. He turned the volume up on the stereo as he went to attack me. He is in his 70's and I freed myself and turned the stereo off. He screamed, "She pushed me!" and called for his wife. It was very traumatic and I can remember him saying, "With your charges, who are they going to believe?" I realized then that I was not in a safe place at all. My PTSD was actute and I was panicked most of the time. A few more incidents occurred, I was labelled as the abuser by my father and stepmother who told everyone that I "made things up". People would come to the house and avoid me. I looked into places to go and could find nowhere. I really started to feel like I was losing my mind.
A while ago, I must have said something in a discussion which apparently had pushed a button. He got up with a wire office file folder holder and waved it in my face menacingly saying "he was protecting himself". I left the room. It was after that we entered therapy together. While his anger has improved, I do sympathize with him. My mother took all my money - a substantial amount, my life savings - which I sunk into her house so that it would not be foreclosed on. My mother in turn sold her home and took the proceeds and moved to where my brother moved to, Los Angeles. Eventually my work at home job ended, my unemployment stopped and I was financially dependent on my father. He lost his job. Since he has picked up part-time work but cannot afford to retire.
I am posting because I have noticed that there is so much stress in the house, that I find myself in a holding pattern waiting for the next blow up. The last blow up my father said that "I needed to hit rock bottom" and should find a shelter to go to. It took me a week and a half to start feeling even halfway functional after that. The therapist we see said that my father was just frustrated, blew up and said stupid things. (I really did not think it was great feedback by a therapist for anger control).
All this has been making it very challenging to get a job. I am actively networking an getting comfortable again with public speaking, all which encourages me greatly. Tonight I returned to the house and could tell that my stepmother was discontented (she tends to be a drinker so I never really know if I am taking it personally) and I realized that I am indeed in hypervigilant mode. It seems like the slightest thing I do can upset people and I am usually found in "my" bedroom if I am in this house. The guilt I have over being here is tremendous and I am highly motivated to move.
All my worldly possessions are in a storage locker across the country, many items like work clothing I need. While we have traveled back and I was allowed to take a small amount with me, most of the time is spent, per my father, donating items and collecting tax deduction forms from the Good Will which he planned on using for his taxes. This was very disappointing to me. I was told there was not room in the house for any of my possessions. He agreed that some items should be shipped but later told me it was not true, that I am making that statement up. Now I am told he will not lend me money to pay for the locker fee, unless I pay him back in one week's time while I secure a job. Now my stepmother is offerring to help and while I appreciate it, it makes me feel terribly uncomfortable as I should not be in their home still. I also have doubts this will be worked out and I simply will lose all my possessions. The cruelty of bringing me to the lockers to donate items and not allow me to ship anything back has been immensely painful for me. In addition, last visit my mother was calling my father, and demanding that he look for her things in my lockers (they basically dumped all my belongings with junk, dirty laundery, food and moldy and trash into industrial size bags in one of thetwo storage lockers, even emptying jewelry boxes so that their contents are scattered) and he dutifully searched for them and brought what he could back with him to ship to her.
I have been floundering, trying to understand PTSD, with my mother calling regularly (I do not answer). The charges against me have been dismissed. I really wish that the flood of fear, anxiety and panic I feel would stop overcoming me and I could look to the future. The situation would be so much better if I got a job already, but then instead of being positive, I fear it will not work out. I worry about my possessions, the unforseen, some kind of destructive act against me by my family, that will lead to my demise.
I apologize for the length of this post, but I am wondering if there is a way that I can cope with this hypervigilence which has me so keyed up lately. I have a friend that yells at me and tells me to stop, but of course that does not help. I'm going to keep active in my job search and keep pushing, but feeling ill at ease is getting me very tired. Even when I am in the house and super careful, there is usually feedback that I did something wrong. I find myself terrified of people here, I wish there was a way I could talk to myself to normalize my feelings about the situation and allow me to move forward. I even feel guilty for feeling terrified around them. At times it makes me feel like I should not exist. I see my therapist when I can, attend support groups and go to joint therapy with my father.
