The dam just broke

[Justmehere]

I don't know what's up with me, but it feels like the dam burst this afternoon and I can't seem to get on track... I think it's been building up for the past three weeks since one rough therapy session.

I've done all the healthy coping tools I know for weeks and this afternoon, I got numb and regressed at the same time. Tried to keep up with commitments and just started to get super duper anxious.

I rode out a lot of urges the past few weeks, kept mostly regulated, started to see myself isolate and pushed past it to not isolate.

But the dam broke. I'm now searching for someone to fill in for me on a presentation I was supposed to make in 3 hours. Not the end of the world but I still feel like I'm massively letting everyone down. I begged my therapist for help yesterday but just as she called my phone died. I asked her to try again but she never did. We don't usually do any between session phone contact... so it's fine.

I am just so tired of trying to be ok and I'm not ok at the moment. I don't know what I need. I think what I want is someone here sitting with me just here really here and present and while I have a handful of good friends offline, there isn't a single person amoung them that I'd dare ask to be here in this moment. They rush in with too many "solutions" and too much caretakey anxiety. I'd just shut down or push them away...

I'm posting here I guess to try to keep my head away from all the hopeless and sucidial feelings and thoughts...

I can't even say what's wrong. Just everything and nothing.

Thanks for reading.

 

[scout86]

I wish I could do more than read! Does it help to be reminded that "feelings are not facts"?

Hang in there!

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for the support.

These feelings feel like everything! Including facts. But yeah, you are right. Feels like the world is crashing around me for no reason at all but it's not. It's just not.

 

[scout86]

Feels like the world is crashing around me for no reason at all but

That's a bad feeling! Fortunately, it's almost never literally true and it will pass eventually, if you can just wait it out.

 

[Sideways]

Lost for advice, just wanted to say that you're being heard and I hope things stabilise soon...

 

[honeypie058]

I can relate to the exhaustion of trying to keep everything together. Sounds like it's been a tough day. Sending support from a distance.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for listening. Being heard helps.

I somehow pulled myself together and gave a presentation that I was totally not prepared to do, with slightly red eyes. Fake it till you make it right? Damn I totally fumbled it. Fell apart again 3 minutes after the meeting as I was walking home. I started to shiver and fought back tears again.

Blah. I am not even sure what's getting to me. I am terrified my therapist will quit because that's just where my heads goes... but not because of logic or any evidence she will quit.

 

[scout86]

Give yourself credit for making it through. Crying after it's over doesn't count against you.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry you’re having a tough time at the moment.

Sending you support across the globe!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I believe you and sending hugs and support, keep on talking about it to let it pass quicker if you are able.

 

[turkishfrankk7]

i know exactly what you're referring to. I feel like everything is going so fast but so slow, to the point where I cant really register anything properly. it is just zooming past and flowing too quickly through my hands. I tend to feel like a maniac because there is absolutely no grip. im searching and searching for ways to ground, my best method has been feeling different textures. like, I will go to my silverware drawer and fondle all of the utensils. for the most part it brings relief, like I can finally recognize myself amid a tornado. things don't seem as loud or disorganized. I don't feel so anxious. if I am not home, I will swirl my hand through my purse, or i will just seek out things. like, if in an office i will recite how many magazines there are. that sort of thing, its the closest thing ive found for relief of those feelings. i hope it is starting to wear off. hugs. <3