The Different Faces That People Show To Us

[Anarchy]

This came up in conversation with a friend a few days ago;

Most people, when we meet them, seem to make the effort to present a nice persona to us, the make the effort to be liked by us.
Of course, that says very little about what sort of person they are and how they act when they don't feel that we are of any importance to them.

Then there are people who care so little about us, our opinions and how we perceive them, that they don't put on a nice face for us

to an extent, they spare us any confusion - (IMO) we can assume that they hold us in utter contempt
and the'yre probably narcissistic enough that they want to be feared, or want to appear as some kind of strongman to us.



What are your experiences opinions and guesses about how people present themselves to us, treat us and what that says about them and how we can go about relating to them or not relating to them?

 

[Anarchy]

A first example
This is going back to a company I worked for about 20 years ago

There was a weighbridge clerk at one of the locations, who everyone absolutely loved.
He'd been a cop and had put away some really nasty gangsters in a city renowned for its razor gangs, he'd been a taxi controller and knew the city and the surrounding area really well, so he could always give directions to the wagon drivers if they weren't sure (this is 20 years ago, so before everyone had mobile phones and sat navs).

He was always immaculately dressed and always the perfect gentleman, greeting people, always friendly and always taking an interest in everyone.

Then suddenly he was a bit grumpy, would swear - which was something I'd never heard him do before, and had a tremor (I thought he might have been starting with Parkinsons), he no was no longer greeting people.

The company used to hire in a specialist contractor to do security audits. They'd do things like put camouflage on and hide in a bed of nettles from 3 o'clock in the morning and log every wagon movement in and out of the gate, then after everyone had gone home, checking them against the weighbridge tickets for the day.

If there was discrepancy, the weighbridge clerk and site manager would arrive at work the next morning and find themselves each invited straight into an interview with a former police interrogator and a tape recorder running on the desk...

Anyway, they caught the beloved weighbridge clerk, and he confessed. He'd been an alcoholic and had begun drinking again, and had ended up in a fiddle with one of the haulage companies (or at least with people working for that haulage company).

Absolutely no one could believe it, the directors, the managers, no one, and no one wanted to believe it, - but there it was.
The very last person we'd have expected.

 

[Silver.]

The best thing I can say is that even the best of people can do the dumbest things. Especially when alcohol is involved. People carry around hurt that we don't see, they treat us well because they don't want to share the hurt they are holding. They don't want to put it on other people. Sometimes that hurt is all consuming and can make us do downright stupid things. Harmful things.
A person known as one of "the best guys around, does anything for everyone", could be that one person carrying a very deep well of sadness. You will never truly know another person, only what they choose to give you of themselves.
The best you can do for others is to be yourself. Spread positivity as often as you have the opportunity, to give people a bit of brightness in their day because you never truly know.
(having had numerous people in my life do things one would never imagine, this is just my two cents)

 

[Rani G2]

@Anarchy

What are your experiences opinions and guesses about how people present themselves to us, treat us and what that says about them and how we can go about relating to them or not relating to them?

If one has a good amount of empathy assets and one tries to look closer you might see certain layers that are being put up to conceal. It doesnt mean that one is truly able to see what that person is going through. But you might see that effort a person is putting in to keep up a facade. There is a delicate difference between being in a certain state because one is meeting another person and being polite or trying hard to guard oneself or putting up an iron mask fearing even one's own emotions. But, this too is just a possibility....

 

[Casey_03]

I think there is a saying along the lines of "every saint is a sinner." I very much believe that. I think even the best people have a dark side, and if you dig deeply enough, you will find it. That may sound cynical, but I very much subscribe to that idea. I also think it's only natural for people to only show their good side to the world. Oddly, I've always been drawn to people who come off as assholes, because I feel like i can trust them more; they're not trying to fool anyone, and you know what you're getting right off the bat. All of the people who have hurt me in life have come off as extremely compassionate, caring, sensitive people -- and yet most of those people also proved to be cruel sadists. As for the guy you mentioned, I agree with @Silver. that people can be quite nasty when alcohol is involved. I've known a lot of alcoholics who have done terrible things, and yet when alcohol was removed from their lives, they were very decent, kind people.

 

[Rani G2]

We tell ourselves stories in order to live. The princess is caged in the consulate. The man with the candy will lead the children into the sea. The naked woman on the ledge outside the window on the sixteenth floor is a victim of accidie, or the naked woman is an exhibitionist, and it would be 'interesting' to know which. We tell ourselves that it makes some difference whether the naked woman is about to commit a mortal sin or is about to register a political protest or is about to be, the Aristophanic view, snatched back to the human condition by the fireman in priest's clothing just visible in the window behind her, the one smiling at the telephoto lens. We look for the sermon in the suicide, for the social or moral lesson in the murder of five. We interpret what we see, select the most workable of the multiple choices. We live entirely... by the imposition of a narrative line upon disparate images, by the 'ideas' with which we have learned to freeze the shifting phantasmagoria — which is our actual experience. - Joan Didion

I dont know if this fits the topic. But I like Joan Didion at times. I hate putting quotes, I will still do it. Just thought this is good.

 

[scout86]

I know that I'm not very good at seeing past the obvious, most of the time. And then, once in awhile, I take an immediate dislike to someone, for no reason I can explain (which always makes me feel like a monster), and then, down the road, it usually turns out I was right. On the other hand, I was married to my ex-husband for 12 years. It took about 11 of those years for me to realize he was such an accomplished liar I couldn't tell truth from lie without independent confirmation of the facts. It's led me to really appreciate independent confirmation of the facts.

I guess, I tend to think you never really know what someone's like until you spend a little time in a foxhole with them. Either a real one or a metaphorical one. People tend to show their true colors when the world runs off the rails.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure, people are a combination of life experiences, wounds, fears, pain they are experiencing, expectations of themselves, lessons learned, attitudes, honesty, trustworthiness & trust of others, degrees of emotionality & their trust of others, too. Etc. I don't see there being any place for moral judgment because I don't think it's usually informed, accurate, or my place to make. The moral judgment I do make (if that is what it is, a judgment I guess anyway) is judging what I think a person's thoughts are of me, in so far as what feedback I get, vibe I get, interactions I have, & degree of trust between us.

In terms of addiction I think it's frequently self-medication, components biochemically & even neurobioogically, & that's not a character issue.

 

[Anarchy]

I don't see there being any place for moral judgment because I don't think it's usually informed, accurate, or my place to make.

Hi Junebug
I'm not trying to pick on you or minimise your thoughts
Could some of that be because most of us have been on the rough end of other people's judgement, while we have been trained/gaslit over the years into never believing or trusting our own judgement?


something allong the lines of being trained to believe that; we are bad, but our abusers really are good people, wanting the best for us - we just don't have the discernment to realize what's in front of us...?

 

[digger]

What are your experiences opinions and guesses about how people present themselves to us, treat us and what that says about them and how we can go about relating to them or not relating to them?

I'm not entirely sure who the them and us applies to in this. I think this is something everyone does to some degree isn't it? Yourself included I'd guess - do you present the same face to your therapist as you do to say a guest. The same face to a good friend you've known for years as someone you've only met a couple of times etc

So I guess in terms of how I go about dealing with it, is that I just see it mostly as part of human nature and human interactions. Sure there are people who are probably more deliberate and manipulative about, but for the most part I think it's just people being people. You just don't get to know everything about someone from the get-go.

 

[Ronin]

I have fun with that, most of the time. Changes? In people? Two fascinating areas.

It's the WTF Just Happened, is this just me or is something switching gap area that I'm not happy in. The not knowing. The questioning. The hind sight. The not trusting. Once it's established a change of some nature happened? Fine with that, different situation to sort.

May be interesting comparing views of people raised within semi stable environs vs. those where situation changed minute to minute, whether to violence at home or surroundings like a war zone.

I think expectations of stability are the more mattering thing here, than what people pull and don't.

 

[Ronin]

Just thought this is good.

It is, and thank you for bringing it to us. :)