The Different Faces That People Show To Us

[Friday]

to an extent, they spare us any confusion - (IMO) we can assume that they hold us in utter contempt
and the'yre probably narcissistic enough that they want to be feared, or want to appear as some kind of strongman to us.

Actually...The more I respect someone, the less I hide from them. AKA The exact opposite of your premise.

Alternatively, if someone I've never met gets me straight? It's usually just because I'm busy. Otherwise known as it has nothing to do with them. I neither hold them in esteem nor contempt. I don't know them.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Anarchy , not something I'd think of but I'm sure it could or does play a part.

That being said, it's just not my inclination, +/or it's something I guard against, because I think people are too complex. It is necessary, however to some degree in order to properly protect ourselves.

My experience is very much as @Cashew described in post #11.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think as @FridayJones said, that is intimacy. In so far as people know each other, & can be themselves because context is also known.

For example, I could 'look' a certain way, but if I'm feeling terrified & let that show & others don't know why (especially if it's because of the past intruding on me), they aren't going to understand. If someone knows why I feel that way they understand, & won't take it personally or judge it as inaccurately.

 

[illusionist]

I genuinely don't care if people like me ( outside of those I care about )...but I am aware that there may be many reasons why they don't, and personal to them. I'm at ease either way, but do prefer if someone is honest, and ignores me if they don't......I prefer honesty....much better than the full on nice person whose thought are different.

At the end of the day, I don't know them, so it doesn't matter to me what they think of me.

I am normally pretty accurate in telling if there is something behind the persona in face to face situations....body language tells us a lot.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Knowing more than few serious service heroes and heroines that became/are/were alcoholics ... I offer, please- remove that baseline of substance abuse from the "face" equation. Anyone can be an arsh wipe at times : it is NOT an exclusive club. Anyone can be judgemental -leaning in too hard from that boundary of solid discernment. And the public is freakin' fickled...make no mistake about it.

Trust is a personal decision, the levels, the relationship exchange and even then ....some secret sides are sometimes kept for various reasons...some of them legal. There was a saying within a branch of the US Navy..."God we trust, all others we monitor."

Be kind to those whom stumble, let it go & move forward equipped with the right decision for one's self. They walk on their side of the street but I will focus on mine for change. :hug:

 

[sedna]

This is a really great thread. Its really interesting to see the responses here, I can relate to all of them.

Like Casey_03 said in her comment, it's been my experience that the most dangerous individuals are the most apparently wonderful people when you first get involved with them. Being weary of that type can make you appear paranoid to other people and its frustrating

I've known my fair share of people that immediately come across as complete a-holes, but when you win their trust, they are very sweet people. I should probably admit that those people are attorneys and law enforcement, which makes some of that mean exterior a job requirement.

I'm always on guard with someone, male or female, that is immaculately dressed and groomed and extremely polite. On the first handshake I make eye contact that's intentionally threatening.

If they react to that by subtly increasing their friendliness, then I dont trust them.

If they react to that by subtly increasing a cautious distrustful vibe towards me, then I tend to think they're okay and will put them at ease later.

A predatory personality wants you at ease around them immediately, they'll work hard at that if they know you dont buy them right away.

As a victim of intense and prolonged gaslighting, I had to let go of worrying how I come across a long time ago. People will think what they think. Almost always thoughtful people worth having a friendship with, will take their time and have accurate instincts about you too. No matter what they may have heard from gossip.

It took many years for me to really get that. They can see in your eyes, the good you're looking for in other people eyes.

 

[shimmerz]

On the first handshake I make eye contact that's intentionally threatening.

If they react to that by subtly increasing their friendliness, then I dont trust them.

This is really interesting to me, because I learned throughout my journey that I was one of those that would crank up the friendliness; not because I was the hunter but instead because I was the hunted. I could deal with absolutely NO aggression at all without feeling like I would die in the transaction. So I would try to tap into the person's friendly side.

appear as some kind of strongman to us.

For myself, any type of subjugation during initial contact, NOW (as opposed to prior to therapy) warns me right away that this is not the type of person who is a good match for me. I am not good around people who 'puff up'. I don't get it, I don't want to get it, I have no interest.

There is a social thing that I like to adhere to, and I know this isn't for everyone - but if you can't do social niceties during our first meeting (as long as I haven't done something rude), then chances are good you are going to be a complete dick if there is a misunderstanding along the way. And sometimes I screw up.

What are your experiences opinions and guesses about how people present themselves to us, treat us and what that says about them and how we can go about relating to them or not relating to them?

I have learned that I absolutely can and should not relate to everyone. I used to pride myself on being able to relate to people on some level. That got me into a whole whack of trouble. Much of this was caused by my attachment disorder stuff. Black and white thinking of 'you need to like me or you will kill me' (long story). The more forceful someone was in their attempts at subjugation the more I would try to appease. It was awful.

Now when I notice any form of heavy handedness being thrown out there as 'just honesty', I feel like that is a construct they have made for themselves and one that I don't go for one.little.bit. It shows me (my opinion) that they have very limited (if at all) capacity for empathy.

On the other hand, I recognize now that everyone has a dark side; even those that are seemingly very 'nice people'. I try to say 'no' to something very early on in the relationship to see what that brings up. And then I watch. And I listen.

For myself, I have toned down the stupid amount of empathy I had for others. I needed to be more balanced in that way. I am not concerned about walking away from a relationship that doesn't seem suitable, whereas before I 'felt their pain', which actually was my pain (if that makes any sense).

I take an immediate dislike to someone, for no reason I can explain (which always makes me feel like a monster)

Really interesting word to use. I like that you get it right, but interesting how you take it on with such a strong word initially.

 

[sedna]

@shimmerz I see what you're saying, I used to be that way myself before I kind of went into
permanent fight mode after a lifetime of fawning / freezing. I wasnt as clear in my comment as I
could have been.

I was talking about people that dont show any hint of vulnerability in that first eye contact. It's manufactured charm with the intention of slyly taking the upper hand. When I see someone who's vulnerable..... and I always do, my rule doesn't apply with them. I dont intimidate and confuse people for sport.

 

[shimmerz]

@coco9, no worries at all. I can absolutely see by your postings that you don't screw with people's heads. It brought back a flood of memories to me; one in particular saying that 'nobody was that nice'. He didn't trust me at all. Things kinda clicked - so you filled in a few blanks for me. Thank you!

 

[scout86]

@shimmerz , that's a good point. "Monster" is exactly the right word, I think, but, thinking about it a little more, it's an interesting choice. I guess I somehow think it's my FAULT that I don't like them? I've learned to trust that feeling, and to wish it showed up more often (wouldn't have an es-husband!), but my assumption is that there's something wrong with ME that makes me not like THEM. At the same time, I trust the feeling. Weird.

 

[Rani G2]

The more I keep on reading here, the more I realise how much effort I take to distance myself from other people. I mistrust, I dislike gatherings, I hardly find sitting on a table with other people and being “normal“. I tend to see those mostly false images (Ok not all the time and not all people are like that)) and I just want remove myself physically and emotionally.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a new perspective and guide for myself now that I continue to practice, I can see if a person I am having a conversation with is if they can see and hear me. If they do they will go out of their way to help and often have.

So now the weeding out process is so much less complicated for me. I can tell from a few interactions now and I found this a really good tool for me.

I agree that the people who upfront and honest really gain my respect even if I disagree with them.