The Disturbed Mind - Compliant Victims Of The Sexual Sadist

[anthony]

From memory... I don't remember originally posting these, and have a feeling it was either Bec or GoingOnHope who posted them / part thereof...

 

[Powder]

I think the key point that I take out of the article on this thread is " It seems likely that these men have attempted such activities with other women and failed." Anthony's point is that all the victims who stayed and took it where victims in the past but also the key is that they were "NAIVE" to the fact that some men are like this. The fact is, girls need to realize that people's sexual sides lie on a continuum from gentle to aggressive, giving to taking, and that they need to be very careful about the kinds of people they allow in their sex lives b/c obviously, the gentle and giving ones are not going to be the problem and can take "no" for an answer. And these guys knew how to pretend to be giving/gentle from the get go and slowly work on their victims. So girls need to learn to be able to read red flags and to take off when they see one. For me, it was a friend's dad who didn't go into details but who kept reminding his daughter that what boys want is not always what she is going to want and to keep a look out for her best interests in a relationship. It worked for them and I even took his advice. Just talking with your kids in a gentle way, without even having to go into too much detail for their age, can prepare them to be aware that there are sick puppies out there.

 

[Brontie]

I like reading the articles but some are a little hard to get through and, for me, this is one of them. I think I’m going to approach this one a bit at a time. But I’m glad it’s here. The more information we have the quicker we heal. Hopefully.

 

[way_back_when]

I've never really considered myself naive. I'm keenly aware that I'll do almost anything for 'love'. Thankfully less now that I've been through an experience that this article could have been based on. In fact, the professor I was involved with actually wrote a book on the subject of sadomasochism. A critical analysis. I was intrigued and he was charming and I felt as if he was genuinely interested in so much about me that no one had ever even bothered to take notice of. Looking back and having been to many support forums on the net, I realize how much of a carbon copy men like this are. In a way, that is a positive. They are completely unoriginal and not self-aware. They're too busy focusing on their targets. Social isolation is such a dangerous thing. I'm lucky that my experience lasted only about 3 years; I still had friends who hadn't forgotten about me.

It took a near death experience (strangulation) and a friend convincing me I was loved to actually call the police and have the guy arrested. I had actually called 911 about a year earlier, but the police let me go back to the house because I said things would be OK. (I was afraid he would kill me, if that makes any sense) Unfortunately, a lawyer he became 'friends' with upon first moving to town, represented him in court and he basically got away with all of this. The small community here doesn't really want to deal with him, but to me that's not justice. He'll keep doing what he does, and I surely wasn't the first. He even took me to court a year after his arrest to try to get rent money from me (as if I was merely a paying tenant). Thankfully with PTSD I was excused from having to be in the same room as him, with a letter from my T.

Although this man is not the cause of PTSD for me, the situation was the last straw. I'm very edgy and distrustful. I mainly just want to take to the bed these days. What makes me angriest is the fact the university I attend backed me up very little. They wanted to 'save face' and that's the way the world is most of the time. Sometimes I think it's the smaller things like that, that piss me off most. What I consider betrayal from those I would hope to expect more from.

Thank you for posting this article.

 

[The Albatross]

Wow... my relationship experience with my ex husband is in this article... all the way through to the "punishment" steps. I wasn't very compliant the second year, I started fighting back and he really started getting crafty then. At one point he had me convinced I was going crazy and that everything was normal (it wasn't). He would show up at my job on pay day and have me turn over my paycheck. I could go nowhere other than work without him. I had no access to money. I was not "allowed" to speak to my family unless he dialed the phone and I stayed in the room where he could hear. He even was caught in an affair, and he beat me bloody for his infidelity. My boss knew something was wrong, and he had it arranged so that they would cut me two checks, my regular pay with some overtime and then the balance of the overtime (my ex didn't keep track of my work hours). It took me 8 months to save enough and hide it to get out and shortly before I did, he came for me after beating me down to the floor with a shot gun. He had it loaded, took the safety off and was coming down the hall. I watched him but couldn't get up off the floor. When he started to raise it it went off. I knew right then if I wanted to keep breathing I had to get out of there.

Until reading this article, it never occurred to me to make the connection between his sexual behavior and sadism. Ugh.

 

[Abbi]

It is scary... there are some serious dropshits within this world.

Cant leave this article alone. The seduction part and the shaping sexual behavior through the use of positive reinforcement and the looming threat of the negative....oh my, yea I was really that stupid.

Really scary thing is they can work on a continuum, what I went through didn't meet all these extremes by any means but the modus operandi was definitely there. Facing the shame of my "willing compliance" always stops me dead in my tracks, I admit it just cant seem to get past it. I was a part of some f*cked up shit....

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Triggers went off - just realized ex-fiance was more disturbed than I thought. That's another story ... can't go there just, yet ...

 

[_angela_2]

this article scares me - it sounds exactly like my boyfriend and what he does to me. these behaviours seem to get more extreme with time. this article makes me worry how bad it might get. not really sure what to do about it.....does anyone know where the cut off is for normal sadism? whats the difference between normal sadism and extreme things like this? i know he abused his ex-wife. but he claims that it wont happen with us. really not sure what to make of this.

 

[piratelady]

I wasn't able to read the entire article. Several parts of it really got to me and I had to stop.

The woman is now a subservient, inferior being who has ‘allowed’ herself to be re-created sexually and has participated in sexual acts that no ‘decent’ woman would engage in, thereby confirming that she is a ‘bitch’ and deserving of punishment.

This is one thing I am struggling to get past. If I let myself think about some of the things that happened I always come back to the fact that I allowed it to happen.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I just have to say these articles are helping me make sense of the utter mess that was my sexual life with my ex husband. Because he was my first, it was really hard to figure out the things he did to me and made me do weren't normal. Having this all set up not only makes me realize that my feelings were valid, though he claimed I was being 'crazy', and that it was alright I was upset and tried to refuse. Also that there are warning signs and behaviors I can be on the look out for in a person to protect myself so that I don't ever have to experience that again. Picking through all the confusion and misdirection he created is very painful, time consuming and stressful. But this really helped.

Going through what I am right now, these articles have resurfaced at just the right time. I know Anthony usually prefers an active discussion as opposed to thanks. But I just needed to express my gratitude for helping me reclaim one part of my mind I'd given up on.

 

[Philippa]

Feeling too raw to read over this article again, though I remember bits from when you first posted it anthony.

I don't think the person I was with was quite as bad as this, but if I had stayed longer, he might very well have become just like this. It does describe the person I met at the festival though. He seemed so gentle and nice, which is why I felt like I wanted to go with him. He turned into something else when we were alone though.

These people know before hand what women feel safe around and emulate it to gain their trust. Once they're in, the facade drops.

 

[sunnyd]

Thanks for sharing this article.

Yes it is scary, but very informative. It raises a lot of questions and I will be looking into the virgin/madonna complexes.

With two daughters, it has made me see the importance of not only positive self regard, remaining social and the importance of educating our youngsters without scaring them to death about sexual and emotional sadists.

I have to say although I have never been in a relationship as bad as these (thank the lord!) I do remember saying to a friend after one relationship ended that "I didn't know you got men like that!"

Jadebear said: I'm just glad my mom is free, and so am I.

Reply: So am I honey, you have gone through so much. It is so horrible having a sex offender in the family. So difficult to get your head around. Hope you are feeling a little better. You sound so shaken.