Relationship The Ever-frustrating Push

[JT80]

Thank you, Simply Simon :)

I was really struggling with a lot more than I realised until I found this forum. I mean, I'm still struggling, but I have a far better understanding now since spending the many hours reading in here. Although not every story is the same as mine, reading about the experiences and opinions from both sides of the scales on things I can relate to has helped my thought process considerably.

When a push would happen, I'd just let her say whatever she wanted and justify it all as it "just being the PTSD talking". It did hurt early on in the relationship, but I've kind of desensitised myself to it now and I just don't let it get under my skin because that causes me to stress. Desensitising has been my own defence mechanism that I thought was the right way to handle it after a while. But having these past 3 days to reflect and process without her (longest isolation period, to date), I see that me desensitising is only me lessening my own feelings to elevate her being an ass and brushing it off as "she can't help it and doesn't really feel that way because she has PTSD". Then she returns to me, apologises profusely, I try a new approach, I end up trying my hardest to adopt the new approach to try to get her to seek the help she needs while being terrified she's not going to like it and push me again. It's not healthy for me to be working my ass off to get her to realise something she knows she needs to do, but won't take the steps to actually do it. It's like I'm pretty much in a cycle of cautiously leading a horse to water, trying to make it drink and then excusing it when it throws me off as it just being what horses always do.

This is why 3 days ago I told her we both needed to respect each other's space. Getting pushed away and then pulled back in after a few hours or a few days isn't enough time for me to properly process what's going on in my own head. I don't doubt that what's going on in her head is probably worse and that her apologising is a HUGE thing for her to do, but I need to heal too. I will still accept her apology and be here for her whenever she needs me, but I am going to have to stand my ground and let her know that she can't excuse her bad behaviour on something she's not doing anything about and still be here to get my heart whipped.

Me letting her do that is not me supporting her at all, but me enabling her to blame her bad behaviour on her disorders. I will definitely keep you all updated :)

 

[Kintsugi]

Yeah... even if it were all "PTSD talking," that's kind of like saying, "She only tried to stab me because of schizophrenia." Maybe so, but is getting stabbed something you're willing to endure for a relationship? PTSD isn't magically different because we are not born with it, because it came from trauma, because you feel bad, because... Y'know?

 

[Roxy1612]

I'm glad I found someone else in a ldr. I'm in day 5 of a push and this is the longest ever. I wish I knew what to do. Last time I asked him to explain what happens during a push and he didn't want to talk about it so I assume the worse. I have made him promise that he would tell me if he no longer wants me because it's hard to tell when you're being pushed away so at this point I still think we're in a relationship but it's hard to tell and utterly exhausting. I wish you luck with yours. Stay strong :)

 

[JT80]

I'm sorry you're going through this also. I'm in day 4 now and still no word. I guess I'm lucky in the sense that I can usually tell when my girlfriend is leading up to a push as she starts verbalising her doubts with us (always the same things she says) in a way where I think, "Are you trying to convince me or you?" Then I know to brace myself because something is coming.

This push now, there are new factors. She had the last of her surgery 3 weeks ago which was an injury from the accident, she was required to see a therapist, she has quit smoking and she got nasty in the push... Maybe it's because all of this stress lumped on top of her issues, maybe not. But either way, I have the added worry that things are different this time and this was a serious push and she won't return to me after the guilt of the things she said to me. I just don't know. But that's where being here is good because we can all support each other as we all understand where we're all coming from.

 

[JT80]

Update as of now: She's unblocked me from her social media.

 

[Roxy1612]

Funny I just got a 'thinking about you' I'm still deciding if I should respond. My first instinct was 'I'm thinking about you too and I miss you and I love you' and then I would spend the rest of the day checking my phone every 5 mins to see if he actually read my message and hours later when he eventually does, I would wait for him to respond and he wouldn't and eventually I would cry myself to sleep. And tomorrow or a few days from now he will send me a message acting as if nothing happened and we wouldn't talk about it. I wish I could find a better way to deal with this.

 

[Sangamo]

I know how you feel. I tend to want to send text trying to basically provoke a response. And yes that's how I believe she takes it. I've found and it is still hard for me to do but to let her respond on her time. Hope this helps I'm still learning every day!

 

[JT80]

I'm kind of feeling the exact same way before I've even received contact. It's been 4 days for me and she's gone into her settings, gone to her privacy tab, typed in my name and hit "unblock" completely consciously. You can't "accidentally" unblock someone. Obviously, that is her first step at trying to apologise - don't worry, I still won't make the first contact. ;)

The issue I'm having now is what do I do when she does (if she does) contact me? An apology is a huge step and a big deal, but should I take it straight away or wait a few more days to respond? To a healthy person, a few extra days of being ignored after an apology makes them really think about what has happened and how they feel. But would it cause far too much added stress to implement the same tactic on a sufferer of PTSD knowing it's a far bigger step to apologise after a push than a non-sufferer?

 

[Kintsugi]

Unfortunately, @Mac80, I don't think there is a handbook. :rolleyes: This disorder doesn't work like a vending machine--insert value, input value, receive X. I'm in a... courting phase (???) with a sufferer. I'm a sufferer. He and I handle this shit very differently.

I think you need to focus on what YOUR needs are, what YOU think is right for YOUR well-being, and do THAT. ;)

 

[JT80]

I think you are 100% right. This is the first time I've ever been this close to a sufferer, so it's a whole new experience. She still hasn't contacted me, so I've still got time to think through the things I need to think about for my state of mind. Thank you :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm afraid to post because I'm a sufferer, though I do (try to) support a family member who I don't know if she has ptsd or not. But JMHO, for myself , it's not so complicated. I am more inclined to Flight-or-Stay, not push or pull though, & I don't make emotional scenes leaving I just leave & never come back.

I'm not proud of it, but I've left without a word a few relationships in the past. One man was wonderful, one I felt it was better anyway, one I left I don't think he cared (mutual), & finally an abusive one (there I stayed).

Like everyone, 'sufferers' have feelings too, & worry about others. But it's usually seen in their best interests (the other) if they leave. (Why the abusive ones are easier to stay with).

I think just like any relationship, have boundaries, don't accept harmful behaviour or disengage & end it if you wish, be kind to yourself, if you love her be kind to her as well. Realize she is struggling, if it is indeed ptsd. If she apologizes accept it if you wish (follow your own code of behaviour/ heart). But please don't play mind games. With anyone that's not good, but with ptsd we are too shattered/ too many bad experiences to figure that stuff out. It's confusing at most times, & we pull away. The Stress Cup explains a lot too, did you read it? Maybe it will help you decide. . Even if her ptsd came from a MVA, well it may be a different cause but ptsd is a very difficult & potentially lethal disorder. Staying for you also you should know it's life long. It can be managed (sounds like it isn't) but not cured. It must be very very hard for a partner.

I realize you need to sort out what you feel to. And what you choose is right (for you).

I think it's very difficult being a supporter.

 

[Kintsugi]

This is the first time I've ever been this close to a sufferer, so it's a whole new experience.

I just don't get this. Unless you're trying to be a full-time caretaker for someone deeeep in the trenches of PTSD... I just don't understand the rhetoric some supporters adopt of how somehow a relationship (especially in its early stages) is different with a sufferer than with anyone else. People have problems. People have bad habits, broken coping mechanisms, shitty behavior...

I've said it before to supporters here and I will say it until I am blue in the fingers: would you accept this behavior from someone without PTSD or not? Yes? Fine. No? Then why are you accepting it in this instance?

I usually date people with psych problems, so it's not that I'm coming at this having dated well-adjusted individuals with healthy coping mechanisms etc. Quite the opposite. I guess maybe for me psychiatric disturbances are so normal to me, I don't really see why people seem to analyze them so much when they're in the earlier stages of a relationship (not co-habitating, sharing accounts, kids, so on) and factor them into their boundaries the way that I feel I witness here.

Please tell me to get out of your thread anytime, by the way. I know this is the supporter section, and I am attempting to be respectful as I weigh in as a sufferer...