The Feeling Of Dread That Never Goes Away...

[lithium-mom]

content warning: talk of sex//pornography

I'm not sure how to write this because since not living with my father, I have only vague recollections of what life was like with him. The recollections are sparse, but the memories of the feelings, smells and sensations are very strong. I still remember what it's like to feel so small and worthless, and I still feel very small and worthless. When I'm not teaching piano (I finally got a job teaching piano), I'm sleeping my life away or crying. I live with my boyfriend currently, and here's where things get thorny. But I'll backtrack a bit: I'm currently being treated with Abilify Maintena (the injectable version of Abilify) and it's working pretty okay if you count my current way of existing as "okay". Still, no matter how bad things are here-- they're certainly better than they were when I was living with my father.

I'm still constantly hounded by that feeling of dread though, it doesn't go away. Either that, or the feeling of a void in my chest.

Anyway, so I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months. It hasn't been very rocky for him, but it's been a wild ride for me. I've lived with him for about 9 months of the relationship and we've known each other//been close friends since about 2.5 years ago.

I was raped 3 years ago. I still smell everything about the rape if that makes sense, sometimes randomly-- sometimes at very telling moments.

So, one of my "things" is OCD. I've obsessed over my grandmother's death when I was about 6-7 years old. I'd do little counting schemes to "keep her alive". She wasn't even sick or anything, I was just preoccupied with death (and she's still alive to this day).

So it's always something with me, I'm never actually okay. It's horrible. I knew my boyfriend watched porn but long story short he's had an addiction since age 11 and one of his 'fetishes' is mind control tentacle hentai. Which is profoundly disturbing to me. I don't know why. I can't explain it. I've not stopped crying thinking about it since three days ago and he told me (I asked because our sex life is disturbed) (he's no aggressive but there's other things).

I don't know what to do because despite this, what I consider, horrifying fetish, he's truly kind to me. He truly cares about me, and he's stopping watching it. But I can't get it out of my head that the same hands that have touched me, has touched himself while watching rape porn. Even if it's cartoon, it's still... disturbing. So disturbing and I can't adequately deal with it.

I don't know, I know he's not a rapist I know he's not evil-- but I can't get this feeling of dread to go away and I wish I was dead.

 

[joeylittle]

@lithium-mom - are you doing any trauma-processing therapy? (EMDR, SE) Or any CBT for your trauma?

I was raped 3 years ago. I still smell everything about the rape if that makes sense, sometimes randomly-- sometimes at very telling moments.

I'm sure you know this, but it won't go away on its own, and the meds don't take it away either. It seems to me like the relationship issue is secondary to the trauma work that you need to do. And if you need to put the relationship on pause in order to do that, then you should.

 

[lithium-mom]

@lithium-mom - are you doing any trauma-processing therapy? (EMDR, SE) Or any C...

No I'm not, I don't know where to go for CBT or any therapy because technically I'm not even supposed to have insurance. Is CBT really helpful?

What I mean by "technically I'm not supposed to have insurance" is I was on Tricare Prime, and I was supposed to be going to school full time to receive it, I'm not going to school full time though. Anyway, the point is I don't really have insurance or resources.

 

[joeylittle]

Anyway, the point is I don't really have insurance or resources.

But you're on abilify injections? You've got to be seeing someone, no?

If you are still receiving coverage, then figure out a trauma therapist on your plan, and get on it. Seriously. Especially if your coverage may time out. Yes, CBT can be helpful - but if what you are primarily dealing with trauma-event-wise is a rape, then you might want to find someone to do PE (prolonged exposure) with , or EMDR. I understand that you also had a complicated upbringing, and those are deeper issues relating to how your core beliefs have been built - they can be worked on over time, and a combination of therapeutic modalities could be helpful. For addressing the rape - the likely source of your PTSD - you need trauma therapy, ideally.

Do you see a psychiatrist, and have they diagnosed you with PTSD? (you can work on trauma without having a PTSD diagnosis, also - not everyone who has trauma develops PTSD, but anyone who has trauma can benefit from trauma processing).

And, can they give you a referral for therapy?