Feeling Of Dread Precognition

[Lubu]

Right before I got major breakthrough flashbacks that showed me the true horrors of my life during "trauma time" (ages 0-7) I experienced a time of feeling "something coming" that seemed ominous and dreadful.

Now, my sister is feeling it and I do too, for her. I am sure she is going to soon have the big flashbacks or intrusions of her trauma. :(

Rather than feeling like going to her, I feel like running far away.

She's been hospitalized following suicide attempts. I had a dream that she drown herself and I was called. I fear so badly that she is going to not make it through when she finally remembers our shared trauma.

I'm so scared that my heart keeps pounding and my meds are not helping at all. I am going to do self care.

To be perfectly honest, I have often seen things before they happen. And something is going to happen to her, I and I think she'll be okay, but it's going to hurt so bad she's going to try to die or want to die.

That's all. Thanks for anyone who can relate.

 

[Bilubul]

Hug.

 

[Sikez]

You know all too well what it feels like. You are probably correct in how she is going to react. But don't run. Let her know you're there. You are both healing at different times at different rates. You and your sister will be better down the road for it. (I know how lame that sounds. I'm also aware how it makes it seem like the end is the only part that matters. I know it's not. If we all had a choice of before memories of trauma and after, I think we'd all agree that the good from healing may not be worth the pain to get there.)

I have a sister too that doesn't remember. She chose not to know what memories I have that showed up. In a weird selfish way, I wish she would remember so then I'd be validated. There's still a lot of doubt for me. Denial is hard to beat when there's no proof.

Your feelings of dread before is exactly how I felt prior to them surfacing. I still get them now when a memory surfaces (only like once a year now...) but much milder. The dread was so awful before my memories returned that I wanted to stay home and hide. It was a feeling of dying. Or knowing I was going to die soon. In poetic way, I did. I'm certainly not the same person I was then. My therapist calls these images of dying and such "intrusive thoughts". For sure they are, but I'm unsure if it's the same...

Just know that I understand. I'm so sorry that both of you suffered and are suffering now.

 

[Lubu]

In a weird selfish way, I wish she would remember so then I'd be validated. There's still a lot of doubt for me. Denial is hard to beat when there's no proof.

Thank you. Yes, I have gone through 4 years of mostly feeling exactly this that you have said so well.

I am not feeling this anymore. Since I cut all ties, I am not at the point I don't care what anyone who doesn't believe me thinks anymore. If they don't believe then I don't need them. If they chose my dad over me, then I have decided I'm better off without them, not cause of good/bad splitting anymore (aka, I'm not judging them as bad). Now, I see it as they are no good for me and serve no purpose in my life any longer. No need to invest in that relating anymore.

I still hurt and miss my sibs. But that is for me use to become a more compassionate person to self and others. That is all. It also exists for its own sake, as part of me and my truth.

I wish I still desired her to remember. It is ironic that now I fully don't desire her to remember for my sake that she is now ready to confront her own identity and personal history.

I am in logic mode, trying to cope with my pain. I had a flashback of her trauma that also traumatized me to witness so I am raw with the feeling of being no help to her then or now.

 

[Aki]

I wish my sib remembered, too. It was the reason for our parting. In the long run, it was an excellent decision to trust my truth!

 

[Lubu]

Yes, trusting your truth is such a good step. I could hear about that all day. If you care to expand, I'm listening. This is the key. The key through that a big, locked door standing between the survivor and herself. Yay for you! And me!